The Wanderer - (Chapters 1-5) by _GinaLexis_

Reviewed by EPICEVANTYLER

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THE GOOD

I can say that the music you've chosen and the setting is an automatic plus for me. This is definite personal preference, but it speaks to a certain thoughtfulness I believe we will see throughout the work.

I'm quite impressed that you used third person narrative in a world where it seems first-person fixated. I like that you are able to use your own narration without necessarily worrying about the first-person personality. Also, it gives better perspective, in my opinion.

I like that you used the phrase mouse-faced friend to describe her friend Veronica. I'm always interested in interesting-looking people. It automatically makes me feel closer to the story, as though I'm not living in the land of the perfect.

The way you ended the first section of the first chapter was so simple, it's pristine and mysterious all the same. I like that.

I really enjoy the realism of how Melody's parents talk to each other. Your dialogue in this area is spot-on throughout when her parents speak.

What a riveting ending to the first chapter. My only concern is that for something so dramatic happening, it doesn't feel dramatic. I feel a little distant from the character. Better descriptions with stronger verbs will help this.

I'm thrilled by the opening of the second chapter. I feel transported to a different world entirely. This is a good way to get the blood of the story pumping, so to speak.

I'm also a big fan of the small section that ends the second chapter. There goes that mystery again!

By the third chapter, I'm well drawn into the mystery of the boy showing up in her dreams. Have you ever seen that really old Superman, the very first one, the classic one? It had this whole scene of the planet of it that looked like an ice world. This kind of reminds me of that.

The fourth chapter ending is great as well. Every time you bring us into the dream world, there is always a new discovery, which gives the story definite forward motion.

By the fifth chapter, I can say I'm devoted to this work. I love the Prince. I love that the whole thing is action-packed. This is the meaning of entertainment.

THE NOT SO GOOD

There is a little bit of redundancy in the words themselves. It's not terribly distracting, but it's there. Here are a few examples: "huge, burly man" (burly works perfectly well without huge); a meadow lit by a million stars in the sky (stars exist in the sky—no need to say it); "she slightly glanced at Blade" (glance implies a slight look); "'I couldn't care less,' the prince replied indifferently" (the prince saying that he couldn't care less implies indifference without having to restate it). These are just a few examples. You should look for them throughout to make sure there is no redundancy that slows down the writing.

I was actually a little stunned to find that her boyfriend was lying beside her in the first chapter. This is a small thing, but unless intended, you may want to think about how you can introduce him without disorienting the reader. Same goes for Veronica.

I notice that you overload just a smidge on including actions with dialogue. It's not necessary unless it's, well, necessary. Save your words as much as you can. You'd be surprised by how much a reader will assume about actions and feelings if the dialogue is written well.

Within the first chapter, I can say that I'd like to see less variations of to-be verbs. He was/they were/she was/she'd been/ect. This can be remedied by varying your sentence structures and looking for active, interesting verbs.

I noticed quite a few places where you need to separate the dialogue. When new characters speak or when a subject drastically changes with the same character speaking, the dialogue has to be introduced with a new paragraph.

In general, remember to place a comma after or around addresses. I saw this mistake more times than I could point out in the writing itself. Not a huge deal but something to be careful about.

In the fourth chapter, I'm not so sure that I'm a fan of the dialogue between the friends. It sounds stilted, a little unrealistic for childhood friends. Also, there are a few places where using contractions would make the dialogue feel a little more real.

In the fifth chapter, I feel like we were a bit on ellipse overload. Ellipses are a bit on the unprofessional/text-y side unless they are absolutely necessary. Consider where you can just use a regular period or a comma in these places.

THE FINAL VERDICT

My final thought in reading your story is, "she got me!" No, I don't read this genre typically. Yes, I would read yours. The name of the game is entertainment and the dream world you've created is entertaining. I love that you have the two worlds—reality and dream—running side by side. We get to relate to the characters in both, although I must say that the characters and plot of the dream world seem far more intriguing. However, the fact that you have so much potential to bridge them together makes this quite compelling.

I think your plot is a bit stronger than the writing itself. Toni Morrison, my favorite author, is an advocate for voice. As you start to hone your narration voice and jazz it up with stronger words, phrases, and syntax, the plot will feel naturally even stronger. I'd like to hear a voice of narration that is distinctly yours. The way to do that is by taking more risks with your words. Risk with words, not grammar. You'll want to get the grammar a little cleaner. I made inline comments of some of the things I saw. I know I didn't catch everything, so use what I did highlight to apply to the rest of the story.

Anyhow, I'm very excited for what you've done here. I wish you a million blessings with this one. I think you've got the goods!