The Butterfly Crown (Chapters 1 - 5) by thebutterflycrown

Reviewed by AmyMarieZ

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Overview: The Butterfly Crown is a fantasy story about two princesses, Keeva and Avala Douglas. On the night before Keeva's coronation, she runs away to pursuit adventure, leaving Avala to deal with the repercussions of her actions and take on the responsibility of the throne.

Structure: The story is written in split first-person point of view. Every other chapter switches between Keeva and Avala telling the story. This style works well for this specific story, because Keeva and Avala are both in different locations, so each of their perspectives provide unique elements of plot development. Keeva's perspective shows her adventures and the world outside of the castle, while Avala's perspective shows what is going on within the castle walls as the kingdom searches for Keeva, and then eventually deals with the fact that she is gone.

Another reason why this style works well with this story is that each of the sisters have a distinct personality and narrative voice. Keeva is philosophical, adventurous, and curious. Meanwhile, Avala is more outspoken and in some ways selfish.

Grammar: The grammar in The Butterfly Crown is an area that could use a bit of polishing. Sentences throughout the story are worded oddly or do not make complete sense. The author informed me that English is not her first language, so my suggestion would be to find an editor or join a book club to get a second set of eyes on each chapter. I have pointed out many of the locations where I noticed oddly worded sentences and grammatical mistakes inline and offered suggestions, however I have not caught all of them. In this review, I will focus on two specific reoccurring issues I noticed.

First, I noticed errors with punctuation around dialog. When dialog is written in quotation marks, the period at the end of the dialog or the comma before a dialog tag should be placed within the quotation marks. For example, in chapter one:

"Everything is better than Melar,". I told him.

Should be punctuated as:

"Everything is better than Melar," I told him.

A comma is placed after the dialog but within the quotation marks, followed by the dialog tag. A period after the dialog is not required.

Similarly:

"Princess Avala, you have to wake up!".

Should be punctuated:

"Princess Avala, you have to wake up!"

No period is required after the dialog, even though no tag is used.

Finally:

"It would never be my intention to trash anything", I replied a sweet smile on my lips.

Should be punctuated:

"It would never be my intention to trash anything," I replied, a sweet smile on my lips.

Since a dialog tag is used, a comma follows "anything." (I also added a comma after "replied" to set off "a sweet smile on my lips.")

In summary, punctuation always goes within quotation marks for dialog. There should not be a comma or period after the end quote of dialog. When a dialog tag is used, a comma, question mark, or exclamation mark should follow the piece of dialog. When a dialog tag is not used or the dialog is followed by an action, the dialog should end with a period, question mark, or exclamation mark within the quotes. The action that follows begins a new sentence.

The second reoccurring issue I noticed with grammar was frequent comma splices. Additionally, I noticed a number of very long sentences that were difficult to understand. In general, I think the story as a whole would be a bit easier to read and flow a bit more smoothly if the frequent long sentences were simply broken into shorter sentences. I would be especially careful of comma splices. Comma splices are sentences where two independent clauses are separated only by a comma. In other words, these are when a sentence is broken with a comma, but the piece on either side of the comma is a complete sentence. To correct comma splices, commas can either be replaced by periods to form two separate sentences, or a conjunction can be use to properly join the independent clauses. For example:

The wall before my eyes was made out of stone, drainpipes were sticking out which made the façade look like a spiked mace.

Could be changed to:

The wall before my eyes was made out of stone. Drainpipes were sticking out, making the façade look like a spiked mace.

Or:

The wall before my eyes was made out of stone, and drainpipes were sticking out, making the façade look like a spiked mace.

(I also adjusted the wording of the second half of the last sentence because I think it reads a bit more smoothly without "which," although that is just my opinion on it.)

Pace: The pace of individual scenes in The Butterfly Crown was well done. The balance between character thoughts, dialog, description, and action made the story read as though it was happening in real time. I was able to picture each scene clearly and visualize what was going on.

I liked that the story started off right with the action of Keeva fleeing the castle. The pace was quick right from the start, pulling me into the story and grabbing my interest. From there, the pace continued to move quickly when the panic at the castle searching for Keeva was shown in chapter two. This chapter kept me interested in the story, but didn't rush anything so I didn't feel like I was missing any information. Chapter three presented yet more interesting plot development, showing Keeva's journey on a ship.

Chapter four was the first place where the pace dragged slightly in my opinion. A large amount of time was spent showing Avala go through the actions of taking the place of Keeva. While this is important plot development, I think if a bit more tension and suspense were included in this chapter, I would have felt a bit more invested and the pace wouldn't have felt quite as slow. I think one way to increase the tension in this scene could be showing a bit more worry from Avala's character about what is going on. If the character seemed more worried, I would be more concerned about what was going on and feel more suspense and investment in the events of the chapter.

The pace picks back up in chapter five when Keeva is kidnapped, leaving me wondering what is going on and worried about what will happen to her, as well as curious about who the kidnapper is.

Character Development: The Butterfly Crown features two main characters: royal sisters Keeva and Avala. A strength of the character development in this story is the way the sisters are shown as unique. They each have distinct personalities and contrast each other well. I will briefly review the character development of each of the sisters as a part of this review.

KEEVA: Keeva is by far my favorite of the two sisters. Right from chapter one, the philosophical and curious nature of her character shows through her thought process and the narration. One thing I found particularly memorable was how she thought about a story about a man who turned into an insect while she was escaping through a tunnel. Keeva compares herself to the man who turned into an insect, saying that she herself has always been a bug. Although I didn't quite understand Keeva's thoughts about bugs, salesmen, and disguises, I was able to tell that Keeva is a very thoughtful character. She considers the "why" of things and uses her head to figure out people and situations.

Keeva is tough, and she wants more from her life than being crowned the queen, so she runs away. She is very resourceful, managing to find her way onto a pirate ship that will take her away from the castle. She speaks with confidence, and that gets her far. Overall, she seems unintimidated even in frightening situations. While this seems to be a part of her character, it was still a bit odd in chapter five when she didn't even seem to be phased after being kidnapped. Even for Keeva, I think this might make her just a bit frightened or nervous. I might suggest showing how she is trying to hide her nerves and act confident here.

What I like about Keeva is that she does have something that is driving her—she wants to escape from the life of ruling. The fact that she has a goal makes her relatable and easier to route for. However, I think this also makes her a bit of a coward because she is running away from her responsibility, leaving her sister to deal with the consequences. Keeva doesn't seem to consider the fact that she is letting down her kingdom, and also imposing a burden on her sister. An idea could be to show her having a bit of remorse or regret for her actions. However, it is also possible that this is just a weakness of her character.

AVALA: Unfortunately, I didn't like Avala very much, but for the most part I think that is okay. I don't mind that she is angry and resentful of her sister. Her anger seems justified. Although her character is a bit abrasive, it is a part of her personality. She is a consistent and believable character, and one capable of moving the plot along!

The one thing that I might suggest considering would be giving Avala a bit more clear of a goal or cause. She seems to fight against everything that is thrown her way. It is clear Avala does not want to do anything that she is being forced to do, but at the same time I don't get the sense that there is anything else she would prefer to be doing. Avala exists in a state of resistance. If her desires and goals were shown a bit more clearly, I think she might be an easier character to get behind and route for.

However, it is entirely possible that all Avala wants is to be left alone. Unfortunately, this would make her a difficult character to sympathize with. If this is the case, I might suggest softening her personality in the narration slightly at a handful of points to make her more relatable and sympathetic. I think her narrative voice could still remain fairly abrasive, but if I saw a few more hints of softness or weakness in her, I would sympathize with her more. One idea I thought of could be expanding just a bit on the fact that everyone calls her the "frail" sister. If some more genuine pain was shown when she was called this, I think I would have really felt for her.

Another place where I thought the character could have been made a bit more relatable without compromising her strong personality was in chapter four. At the end of chapter four, Avala shows genuine concern for the wellbeing of her teacher, Master Eachann. I think if she were to consider him one or two more times before the end of the chapter, that could add a lot to her character.

Description/World Building: The descriptions were a part of The Butterfly Crown that really shined. The descriptions are creative, interesting, and develop the scenes well and make them come to life. One description I particularly loved was Keeva's description of the dock in chapter one. I loved the way she described children playing at it and the taste of salt and sounds of the sea. Another description I really liked was the comparison of Melar to Teliassen in chapter five. Keeva says Melar is carved out of iron, while Teliassen is made of warm sand and stone. Not only does this description create a nice visual, but it also shows a bit of the personalities of each city.

Something I loved about the world building in this story was that the narration never paused to dump information for the reader. Everything about the world was presented naturally as the story progressed. I felt like I was discovering the world where Keeva and Avala live, rather than having it explained to me. Because of the way the information was presented, it was easy to remember and follow.

Although I love the fact that the story does not present any excess world building information, I thought there were a few points I might have liked a bit more information about. For example, I found myself wondering how large the kingdom was. I also wondered if there were other kingdoms nearby, and if so were they any threat? I also wondered about the history of the world. At one point, it was hinted that alarm clocks had existed in the past. I wondered if this setting was perhaps a sort of dystopian future, where technology has been lost. I thought a bit more explanation about this aspect of the setting could have helped clear it up for me. Of course, it's possible more information on all of these subjects will be presented later in the story. However, I think providing a few more hints about them earlier on could be a nice addition.

Plot: Overall, I thought the plot was engaging and entertaining. I loved the fact that two separate but related storylines were followed with Keeva and Avala. I found Keeva's sections the most engaging and exciting because she is out exploring the world. In contrast, Avala's sections served to ground the plot and show the building conflict within the kingdom that results after Keeva leaves. The two parts complement each other well.

In the first four chapters, the plot for the most part developed as I would expect. Keeva ran away to go on an adventure, so her sister had to take her place. Because the plot was a bit predictable in the beginning, the story was carried by the characters themselves and the development of the setting. However, the plot really started to pick up in chapter five when Keeva was kidnapped. At this point, I started to feel even more invested in the story as a whole, because I was unsure what was happening to Keeva and if she would be all right.

Summary: The Butterfly Crown is a thrilling fantasy adventure featuring two very different but equally strong female leads. The characters, setting, and beautiful descriptions bring the world and plot to life, and the first five chapters provide just enough twists to keep the reader wondering what will happen next!