Raindrops (Poems 1-5) by smiling_soul

Reviewed by EPICEVANTYLER

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Love Hurts, Love Heals

I am intrigued by the concept here. I also think that you deliver it succinctly, in a manner that goes straight for the heart; there are no wasted words. The only problem that I see—and note that this is a very personal thing—is the visual image of daisy seeds being implanted in the skin and then blossoming. It is an image that is a little troubling when I see it in my head. Perhaps if it were planted somewhere else other than the skin, I would be turned on by it more. Of course, this is poetry, so it is more subject to personal opinion than any other type of writing.

Your Words

The first line is absolutely exquisite without being overdone. It is profound in its simplicity. I also love that you use slam poetry, as it feels like a double entendre.

I'm not entirely sold on "hallways of kindness." This sounds a little amateur as metaphors go. This line is definitely redeemed with the words that come after that. The line after that—the use of the particular word needle and how it may stitch or destroy—is quite brilliant.

I generally like the idea of the whole stanza after that. However, I am hesitant to use the word love because I think that if you could make it more concise like your other lines, it would be more powerful. You want to evoke emotion without going into melodrama.

I feel similarly about the last stanza. I like what you are saying, but I don't necessarily love how you're saying it. It feels a little preachy where it could be more subtly leading to truth.

When I die

You really go straight to the heart with the first paragraph. I enjoy what you are saying, although I must say that in words and style, it does not come off very poetic.

However, I will say that because you start the stanzas each with "when I die," there is a poetic sense that comes out in it. I absolutely love the line "years passing away and coming soon." I think this would shine even more if the words surrounding it were a little more poetically subtle.

I think you meant to write "ask" instead of "see" and "never" instead of "ever" in the fourth paragraph. I don't particularly like the second sentence of this stanza, as it's somewhat difficult to bring into understanding the idea of nightmares after death. Is this a metaphor for hell?

The very last line of this poem is great, but again, it feels preachy and especially in light of the stanza before it. I understand everything you are saying in that stanza; however, there is a feeling about the poet that I get which you may not want me to. I feel that the poet/narrator is casting a strange judgment prior to his/her death and yet is asking listeners to be his/her friend while he/she is yet alive. It's not an attractive manner of presenting the ideas, although I do really like the meaning of the poem.

You're my home

I like the idea of this poem, but the first line throws me a little, in that the idea of a presumably comforting voice is used in comparison to brick. Also, I think "envelope" wouldn't be the best verb to describe what brick walls do. It seems a slightly imprecise word choice.

The second line is quite beautiful, and I especially like a smile being compared to sunshine through a window. I would stay away from saying nomads relieve themselves, as this initially sounds like nomads urinating. The third line starts to stray away from the metaphorical speak of the first two lines. The fourth line goes back to metaphorical speak (I think), although I'm starting to feel a little odd about the "we" pronoun. (I sort of wish I knew who "we" was. "I" is generally understood as a single narrator, whereas "we" is a group that hints at something that should be defined.) You mention earthquakes in regard to trample. Trample is an imprecise word choice, as earthquakes don't technically trample. That said, I LOVE the last line, and I love how it is so sweet in comparison to the last poem. You are pulling from a range of emotions, and I think that's spectacular.

Paper Wishes

There is a gentle sweetness about this poem, and I think it pairs well with the graphic of the entire story (the gif of the raindrops.) The first stanza is very elementary in its rhyming scheme, but it adds to the sentiment very well.

I love the last line of the second stanza (I shall burn myself to keep you warm), but the image of the first line reads slightly odd to me, similar to the daisy seeds in the skin. I have to say the same thing about the first line of the third stanza as well; I think I understand what you're doing with the imagery but it reads a just short of horror to me. That said, I do like very much the last two lines of that stanza. They feel both dainty and eloquent.

I like the last stanza, but I think "will" would work better than can in the first line.