Nightmare (Chapters 1-5) by WintersNightmare

Reviewed by AmyMarieZ

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Overview: Nightmare is a thrilling and mysterious horror story in which a labyrinth known as Nightmare appears in a city each night, but disappears during the day. No one knows anything about it. Where did it came from? What exactly it is? And, perhaps the most terrifying question, why is it there? The story follows main character Jack, whose best friend Theo disappeared two years ago when Nightmare first appeared. Desperate to find his friend, he plans to enter Nightmare, despite the fact that no one who has gone in has ever returned.

Structure: Nightmare is written in the third person past tense, limited to the perspective of the main character Jack. A significant part of the story revolves around Jack's relationship with his best friend Theo. Because their relationship is such an important part of the story, many flashbacks are included.

In chapter one, a series of flashbacks are presented as Jack looks through a photo album. The photo album is a great device for presenting the flashbacks and creates a nice visual, however, the number of flashbacks presented becomes a bit excessive. Many of the flashbacks do not seem to be related to the story itself, serving only as methods of showing the relationship between Jack and Theo. Cutting down on the number of flashbacks in this chapter might be more effective than presenting so many flashbacks in a row. The other pictures could still be shown and described, but perhaps the detailed flashbacks themselves could be omitted and worked into the story elsewhere if they are important. By removing the weaker flashbacks and keeping the strongest one (the first one showing the two boys meeting) as well as the plot relevant and hooking one (the last one showing Theo's disappearance) might be the most effective way to present the chapter. The reader would get a taste for their relationship, but not feel overwhelmed.

Chapter two begins with a flashback that leads directly into the action of the story. This flashback works very well to introduce the chapter and builds some good interest and suspense going into the scene.

Perhaps the most effective use of flashbacks in Nightmare is in chapters four and five. In these chapters, short flashbacks that are only a few paragraphs in length are interspersed with the action while Jack is entering Nightmare. These flashbacks work excellently to build suspense, tension, and an overbearing feeling of fear and terror! Some of the most interesting flashbacks occur in these chapters, showing that Theo in fact had an obsession with nightmares before his disappearance. It leaves the reader to wonder if perhaps the appearance of Nightmare may have had something to do with Theo himself.

Grammar: In general, the grammar in Nightmare is well done. Sentences are written in a way that is clear to understand. There are a few typos throughout the story, as well as a number of locations where commas are missing or used incorrectly. However, the grammar does not disrupt the flow of the story.

Pace: The pace of the plot development of Nightmare is well done. Each chapter builds suspense, providing the reader with hints and clues that point towards answers, but at the same time opening more and more questions with each chapter.

There are a few minor issues with pacing of individual scenes. One consideration is the amount of telling throughout the story. Sometimes, less is more. While the explanations of Jack's emotions are touching and well done, leaving some of them a little more unsaid might have an even stronger effect. Jack's actions show his emotions very well. The narration stopping to explain them to the reader takes away from that effect. For example, the act of Jack going about and doing all the things Theo used to do is heartbreaking, particularly when he goes and buys a blueberry muffin every day. The reader understands why he is doing this without having to be told. This is just one example of when the story overexplains itself. Of course, it's about balance. Some level of explanation of Jack's feelings is great, but too much takes away from the story, and right now the story seems to be leaning towards there being a bit too much.

Another concern with pacing of the story is when Jack finally enters Nightmare in chapter five. The end of chapter five is very well paced and easy to visualize, however the beginning seems to be somewhat summarized, with a focus placed on explanation of why Nightmare is frightening rather than showing Jack's experiences. Simply narrating out more of the actual actions and experiences Jack has when he first enters Nightmare could really help to pull the reader in more and help them visualize the scene, upping the level of terror and suspense.

Character Development: The flashbacks showing Jack and Theo's relationship are the main points of characterization in the story. The reader truly gets a sense of the importance Theo had to Jack, as well as a sense of Jack's dependency on Theo. Jack is lost without him, like a shell of a person. Jack has little meaningful dialog and is stuck in his own head. This proves to be a challenge, because dialog is often one of the most effective ways of showing a character. The lack of defining dialog leaves Jack almost without a true voice, but it seems like he is a lost character, so it is in many ways fitting this way.

There are a few oddities in the characterization of Jack and Theo shown through the flashbacks. One oddity is the fact that Jack vehemently believes he is a freak, or that he was treated as a freak before Theo came along to rescue him. It is not explained in the flashbacks why Jack believes he was born a freak. The other classmates treating him as a freak is also never shown. Since it is mentioned so frequently, it seems to have a significance. It may be worthwhile to show or explain what "being a freak" means.

Another oddity in the characterization of Jack and Theo is the nature of their relationship. The two characters are shown as having a very openly affectionate relationship during flashbacks. Additionally, the way Jack thinks about Theo is emotional and unsubdued. The way their relationship is shown is unusual for a friendship between two men. While there is not necessarily anything wrong with it, it should be noted that it comes across as a bit unusual. The way the characters are shown in flashbacks, and the way Jack thinks about Theo makes it seem as though they are boyfriends. However, this is slightly confusing, because they are only ever mentioned as being best friends. If this is intentional, again there is no problem with it, it is just something that seems a bit odd.

Description: The descriptions in Nightmare are for the most part very easy to visualize. The writing makes use of specific and interesting actions and items to bring the story to life, for example Theo and Jack drawing with a stick in one of the flashbacks, the blueberry muffin Jack orders from the shop, the anemone flower Jack finds on the windowsill, and the drawing of the Nightmare labyrinth on the last page of the photo album. The way the video footage of people entering Nightmare is described is hauntingly terrifying, and descriptions of the monsters in Nightmare are frightening and gruesome.

There are a few areas where a bit more showing rather than telling would be beneficial, specifically when Jack first enters Nightmare. This point has been discussed in the section title "Pacing" and will not be rehashed here.

World Building: World building is perhaps a point where Nightmare has the most to gain. As is, the world where the story takes place is largely undeveloped. Adding more depth to the world as well as a stronger sense of realism could benefit the plot and storytelling in Nightmare, making it a wholly immersive story.

Some specific areas for development are the city itself. The city where the story takes place does not have a name and is hard to visualize as a concept. A reader might feel more engaged with the story if a bit more scene setting of the city as a whole were included. For example, the city just recently experienced a horrible calamity. Having the character Jack walk though the city as a method of showing the mindset of the city as a whole might help to convey this a bit more.

The government is one area of the story where world building is lacking. It seems somewhat far-fetched that the military would allow civilians to enter Nightmare. It might seem more likely that they would instead be preventing anyone from going in. The military likely would have tried less risky options before sending in even their own personnel, for example using unmanned remotely operated vehicles with cameras. It is possible that they have tried this and for some reason it did not work, but this might be something to at least mention to add more credibility and depth to the plot.

Another weakness in the world building is that Nightmare doesn't seem to be an active threat to anyone unless they enter. No major reason for going in is mentioned, other than to figure out what it is. If Nightmare were shown as being more of an active threat, or if it was conveyed that the military worried it could become threatening, then their strong desire to explore the anomaly even if it means putting civilians at risk would make more sense.

An option could be to change the plot of the story a bit, and rather than have Jack sign up to go into Nightmare, he could sneak into it. The military might be preventing anyone from going into it, but he would be so determined to go in in search of Theo that he would sneak in anyway. This would avoid some of the technicalities of the military enlisting civilians for such a dangerous task.

A final element of the world building that seems odd is the way the government behaves. They do not seem to set up the civilians they are sending into Nightmare for success. For example, Jack is only provided with three day's worth of supplies. Surly it wouldn't be too difficult for the military to give him more supplies so he wouldn't be so concerned about starvation. It doesn't quite make sense, unless perhaps the military is behind Nightmare somehow, and do not want the people going in to succeed.

Plot: The plot of Nightmare is fantastic! With a bit of tweaking to get everything to mesh together smoothly, it will be a seriously amazing story. The premise of the story is that two years ago on New Year's, a labyrinth known as Nightmare appeared in a city. It disappears as the sun rises but reappears every night at midnight. Any efforts to enter Nightmare have been unsuccessful, and no one has returned. There is no explanation for why or how it appeared, or what it really is. This concept is fascinating, because the idea of something completely unknown holds so much mystery, any reader will be curious to find out what Nightmare is, and what the protagonist Jack will find when he enters.

One of the most suspenseful aspects of the plot so far is the build up to Jack entering Nightmare. Before he goes in, he watches a series of videos of others attempting to enter. Strange anomalies, such as some people not showing up on the film in the videos occur, building the mystery even more.

Another aspect of the plot is the relationship between Jack and his best friend Theo who went missing the day Nightmare first appeared. This point has already been partially discussed in the "Character Development" section of this review, but a few more notes will be presented here. At times, the relationship between Theo and Jack seems to cloud out other aspects of the plot. It is possible that the suspense of the story would be greater if there was less of a focus on this relationship and more of a focus on the mystery of Nightmare. However, it is difficult to say what would be best, because it ultimately depends on the goal of the story. Additionally, some intriguing plot points develop as the story progress that revolve around Theo himself. For example, the flashbacks featuring Theo and Jack begin to show Theo as having an obsession with nightmares. This opens up a very interesting question... does Theo have something to do with the existence of Nightmare?

The timeline of the story seems to be a bit odd. Theo has supposedly been missing for two years, and Jack has apparently been searching everywhere in the city for him that entire time. However, it seems obvious, given the fact that Theo went missing exactly when Nightmare appeared, that the first place Jack should have checked would be Nightmare. It is understandable that Jack might avoid Nightmare out of fear, trying to deny the fact that he knew deep down Theo would be there, but two years is quite along time to cower in fear, given how much Jack cares about Theo. Some suggestions to remedy this plot point would be to alter the time frame so Theo has not been missing quite as long, or place more emphasis on the fact that Jack was avoiding it out of fear, even though he knew it all along.

Another odd thing is when Jack asks the girl at the coffeeshop if she has seen Theo, holding out a picture of him. Theo no longer appears in pictures after his disappearance. It is clear that Jack knows this is the case, and yet he asks the girl anyway to confirm it. It just seems odd that after two years, he would only just try that, since Theo was a regular there. The reason why he has waited so long to try this could possibly be expanded on to explain the situation more clearly.

Finally, Theo was certainly not the only person to go missing when Nightmare "fell" on the city. It took out all of the buildings in its way. Certainly other people in the city would be grieving, or have a similar experience where a friend or family member went missing and no longer shows up in photographs, unless it is only Theo that this happened to, and the rest were just crushed or something. A bit more explanation of what actually happened when Nightmare came to exist, as well as expanding on the mental state of other people in the city that were affected by it might help clean up the plot a bit.

Summary: Nightmare is an exceptional concept for a horror story. The idea of an enormous labyrinth appearing in a city at night but disappearing during the day is uncanny and hauntingly intriguing. The amount of mystery the story conveys makes it a real page turner. It's the kind of story that leaves a reader thinking about it after they have finished reading, since there is so much symbolism and nuance to it. With a few tweaks and corrections to the plot and other minor aspects of the story, Nightmare will be fantastic and impossible to put down!