Inner Demons (Chapters 25-29) ---Free---

Reviewed by AmyMarieZ

Overview: This review is of chapters 25 through 29 of the story Inner Demons. In the first twenty-four chapters, main character Chloe arrives at Landry's, a juvenile detention center. She and six of the other teenagers there (Wes, Sage, Declan, Lucus, Lolly, and Alicia) who all committed violent acts they cannot remember, discover that they have demon blood and each possess special abilities. They learn they must fight the Gate Keepers—demons looking to wreak havoc on earth—and begin training to use their powers.

Chapters 25 take place after an unfortunate incident one night at Landry's, leaving the teens the main suspects of a brutal murder. During these five chapters, Chloe, Wes, Sage, Declan, Lucus and Lolly are taken to an underground cell where they are held against their will by the same organization that is working to fight the Gate Keepers. However, with the Blood Moon—the date the group suspects the Gate Keepers are planning to attack—approaching in just two weeks, the teens need to figure out a way to get out of the prison in time to help fight them.

Grammar: Overall, the grammar of the story is very good. The chapters are currently in a draft state, so there are a few typos and missing/misplaced words throughout. However, it is not a major issue in any way. It does not detract from the reading experience and is a simple fix.

Pace: The chapters covered in this review focus on three main events: the teens' stay in the holding cell, their escape with the help of Ms. Pierce, and finally the beginning of the battle with the Gate Keepers.

The pace during the teens' stay in the holding cell is well balanced, if even just a bit too fast. If it were to go on too long, it would likely get boring or tedious, especially with the anticipation of the exciting battle approaching. However, it seems like a few more details about the stay might help build the suspense just a little more without slowing the pace too much.

The stay is largely summarized rather than shown, with the exception of the details around the arrival and escape. This way of handling the event works well for the most part because it provides enough detail of the stay that the reader can understand what the characters go through, but not so much that it drags on in any way. Something that might enhance this part would be providing more detail of the psychological and physical effect the stay in the cage has on the characters. The characters seem for the most part unaffected mentally and physically after escaping.

The scene where the teens escape with the help of Ms. Pierce is action packed and exciting. The action is well-paced. There is enough detail to allow the reader to easily visualize the scene. After the escape, there is a brief but effective scene showing the main characters comforting and encouraging each other before the battle with the Gate Keepers. Finally, the battle is shown. The inclusion of plot-relevant dialog to break up the descriptions of the actual fighting in this scene helps to slow the pace a bit, extending the excitement without making the scene feel like it is dragging because all of the dialog is highly interesting.

Character Development: At this point in the story, the characters are for the most part already developed. However, there is one significant point with regard to character development in these chapters: the reveal that Alicia is actually a traitor working for the Gate Keepers.

In the chapters leading up, the character Alicia seemes to be absent without an explanation. While it is odd at the time, it makes sense given the fact that she has actually been working against the Organization the entire time. The fact that she is not with the others when they are in the holding cell is noted by Chloe in the story, but only a little attention is paid to it. This works well because it provides just a bit of suspicion, but does not draw obvious attention to it that might give it away, so it is still a surprise when the truth is finally revealed. Overall, the reveal of Alicia being a traitor makes sense with the plot. Additionally, the way Alicia reveals what she did is excellent because it is worked so well into the battle scene and really builds the excitement!

One consideration with this event is that Alicia's betrayal of the main characters and the way she explains it to Chloe makes her into a very unsympathetic villain. While it is not a problem with the story, it should be considered that the reader will not have any sympathy for the character as currently shown. Something that might make the character feel a bit more balanced would be making it a bit more apparent how she herself was manipulated into what she did, or having her show some sort of remorse for betraying her (supposed?) friends. Even just a hint would make her more sympathetic of a character. However, this is not necessary, just an idea for consideration with regard to how the reader will perceive the character.

Vocabulary/Description: Often, fight scenes can be overwhelming or confusing to read because there is so much going on. However, the scene where the teens are battling the Gate Keepers in Inner Demons is clearly described and easy to picture. Attention is paid to what each character is doing during the battle, so the reader can visualize the scene as a whole. One thing that might help the descriptions during the fight scenes flow just a bit better would be avoiding the use of "same words" in close proximity. The unintentional repetition tends to stick out to the reader and make the writing a bit choppy.

The visual description of the holding cell where the characters stay is clear, although at times somewhat repetitive. Finding more creative, detailed, or varied ways to describe, for example the steel walls of the cell, could help to add interest to the scene. Working the visual descriptions of the setting into the action a bit more could help the descriptions flow more effortlessly with the writing. Although the scene is clearly described visually, there is a lack of other sensory descriptions. The feelings the characters get from the room could be extrapolated on—hot and cold, damp or dry. Additionally, other sensory information, such as descriptions of sounds, could add more ambiance and atmosphere to the scene.

Plot: There is a large amount of plot progression in these five chapters, making them a thrilling part of Inner Demons! Interest is held while the characters escape the holding cell, and suspense is built as the story works up to the climax—the battle with the Gate Keepers. The entire story leads up to this battle well, so when it finally happens it is greatly anticipated.

However, even though the reader knows the battle is coming, he or she is left with a bit of uncertainty about if the characters will be able to make it to that battle or not. Once they escape, the plot pushes forward quickly right on to the fight. Even though the battle itself is anticipated, the plot still has a twist with Alicia's betrayal of the others. While this event comes as an unexpected surprise, the chapters leading up certainly plant bits of suspicion, so the twist does not come out of nowhere. Overall, the twist works excellently and explains a lot of the peculiarities/gaps in the plot of the story leading up to the reveal.

One weak point of the plot is that the teens are supposedly being held in the cell and detained from attending the battle by the same Organization that has organized their training and will be fighting the Gate Keepers. It seems odd that the Organization would not figure out a way to have them still attend the battle, even though they are viewed as too dangerous. Perhaps more plot twists are still to come and this will be explained in more detail, but at the moment, it seems like the explanation offered for why is a bit underdeveloped.

Summary: Chapters 25-29 of Inner Demons are some of the most exciting chapters in the story! The chapters lead into the climax where the main battle takes place. The suspense leading up to the battle is intense. The descriptions of the battle and the reveal of unexpected plot twists make these chapters a thrill to read!