Growing Wings (Poems 10-14) by SplatteredInkJet

Reviewed by EPICEVANTYLER

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In Between Sidelines

I'll start by saying that I will try my best to not focus on grammar, as incorrect grammar is often used as a device in poetry. However, I do think it's important in the first line to note that the comma is not needed. I like how you describe the parents and then go on to show your (the narrator's) longing to be like them and seeing that she can't. While I like the idea, I think you could make those lines far more poetic if you use less common imagery and metaphors. To some degree, the first stanza just feels like I'm having a casual conversation with a friend.

I think the third line of second stanza is where I get a glimpse of poetry in motion, so to speak. "I would love to inhale and exhale honesty" is a fabulous line. The fourth line, however, is a little ambiguous. I don't know what you mean by letter of intent, and I can't be sure of how a person wants to be awful.

I think the next stanza is absolutely powerful, but the speaker is now ambiguous. I am wondering whose view this is written from, as it feels like we've suddenly shifted views.

The lines after this are equally as powerful, if not more. I think your verbiage and imagery is hitting the target cleanly. I do, however, question the meaning of them. I assume suicide is taking place, but I could be totally off the mark. This is a truth about poetry—it can be taken many different ways. However, I do think you should make a little effort to clean up some of the ambiguity of who the narrator is.

Black Like the White of the Snow

First, I must say that I'm absolutely in love with the title. I think that the first lines are so simple, yet so stark.

I like that I've learned a new word—acherontic—from this. However, though it is an uncommon word, I don't think its suitable as a word in this simple context. It's a lofty word surrounded by a lot of simpler ones that actually add to the gloominess of the mood.

Following up that stanza, you have dialogue and the such, which is perfectly fine, but I have to say this is starting to feel more like poetic prose rather than actual prosaic poetry. It seems like this would be in a novel, which is a great thing, but it's drawing back from the feel of poetry. Of course, this is just my opinion, so definitely take it with a grain of salt.

The last two stanzas are pure magic for me. The second to last is especially powerful and feels poetic. The last one is going back into a prose feel, but even so, the word choices hit the mark.

Gold Drips between My Fingers

I have to say that as I am reading on, your words become even more precise, even more powerful, starting with the opening of this poem.

I'd get rid of entirely the line after "one breath." It adds little and actually subtracts from the simple ring of the "one breath" line.

The "withering, withering" away line—I can't praise you enough for how this line is delivered and the meaning of it.

Though grammatically incorrect, I love that you use the words "she was sat"—glorious phrasing. The description afterword is prose-y, but I will say that I think that's your style, so I won't comment anymore on it. I think your word choice and descriptions of the woman are excellent.

"Engulfed in her eyes" doesn't work as "engulfed" is an imprecise word choice in reference to eyes, though I have to say that I give you much credit in taking chances with your words.

What I like most is that your poetry is building mystery, a la Edgar Allen Poe.

"Screams of enmity"—again, a little awkward. Enmity is not a fitting word for this.

"A ripple in the calm water is enough to disturb the stream"—that is absolutely brilliant. I wish I had come up with that line. I say the same thing about "I've seen the way your smiles have turned hesitant." I only think it would read a little smoother if you said "become" instead of "turned."

"I felt something pool at the bottom of my stomach"—beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! As I said, your writing increases in intensity and beauty as I read on.

The Only Fool

Oh my word! Your poetic voice is getting stronger and stronger, particularly that you are highlighting the beauty of the stars to say that they are already dead. How gorgeous a statement!

I'd get rid of the word aphotic. Again, this is another uncommon word that stands out among simpler ones. If your vocabulary were generally like this in your poem, I would say leave it. I feel the same way about "auriferous eyes." I actually don't think these two words should go together, not even in a poetic way.

"She'll sit right down beside me where she belongs"—beautiful and sentimental. In all the darkness, this is light, and I love it.

"Her head whipped to my direction"—I think whipped is a poor word choice. It feels harsh for the action and the setting.

The last stanza, before the final line, has so much feeling and is beautifully executed.

A Thousand Sunsets

The first line is reminiscent of something I've read before, but you may want that effect. I'd remove the word "anymore" from it, to make the line sharper.

The third line—particularly the I cannot live part—is quite extraordinary. Again, your simplest lines serve you best.

Wow! "I only see fragments of could-have-beens"—I don't know what else to say but wow! That really is an incredible thought and deliverance of a line.

I'm not crazy about "I'm trying to progress, not digress." It's a little plain and simple, but it feels like it's TRYING to be clever, which isn't normally a good thing.

"Fatigue decorates my eyes"—decorate is a poor verb choice. I definitely think you could choose one more fitting that will make this line pop.

The stanza with "like any other day" is one of pure beauty.

You know, I'm tending to think that the last line of the poem is overdone. I think the line before it is so much more lovely in its simplicity. I know this might change the name of your title, but I think it's better this way. Of course, again, that's just personal taste.