A Little Ray of Expectation - (Prologue - Chapters 4) by Emmawatson-fan

Reviewed by EPICEVANTYLER

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THE GOOD

I absolutely love that the prologue was a film. You really did give us a nice surprise which relieved us of what could have been melodrama. It's a nice turn.

I like that the writing itself is very easy. It's not overdone nor too simplistic. I had no trouble figuring out what was going on.

I think you go to great lengths to describe, which is an excellent trait to have in writing. I never wondered what things or people looked like. I particularly liked a phrase you used in chapter one, "formation of red patches." That sounds eloquent without being over the top for describing a blush.

I like the storyline and we immediately know who to root for. I like that you immediately put us in the middle of Geulia's breakup drama.

I like that you varied up your narration in chapter two with a memory. I think that non-linear writing proves that you have an interest in the art of true storytelling.

I'm a big fan of the fact that Geulia is a person who really stands for something. It gives your story an edge that doesn't feel shallow. And you've managed to do this with someone who loves acting and could totally be described a different way.

THE NOT SO GOOD

The writing feels so technically accurate that it feels a little stilted most times. This begins in the first paragraph of the dialogue. Technically, your word usage is right, but it doesn't convey a feeling or tone that is particularly engrossing.

I also sense a tendency to over-write. This isn't terrible, as I consider it far better to over-write than to under-write. You can go back and shave off a lot of superfluous details. Here are a couple examples: In the prologue, all of your dialogue has dialogue tags. That's not particularly necessary. Let the dialogue speak for itself and if it's done well, we will know who said what and how he/she said it.

Another example: there was a part in the prologue where you wrote, "He was getting tired because of his employees' mistakes." This isn't necessary to say, as we get it from how he's talking to them. You also wrote of the director, "he began to start." The redundancy here could be remedied with a simple "he started." In chapter one, you say, "her face twists in a sick smile as she smiles at him." I'm sure you can see how this can be reduced simply to "her face twists in a sick smile." There are many more examples, but I think you can catch them by reviewing the chapters and asking what words really count and what you could do without.

The prologue as a whole was short, but it did drag for me just a tad, as there was some dialogue that could have been cut, and I felt like I wasn't getting to know much about what was going on, except the rude director. The stakes seem a little low for a prologue. I'm not sure how to remedy this, but you may want to ask yourself what is absolutely necessary in the beginning and cut out everything which is not.

As for the first chapter, I am of the mind that you can completely cut out the first part. It doesn't add much to the story. You want to make sure that the story is entertaining from start. I think it starts to get that spark of entertainment when Geulia arrives at the room.

The proceeding chapters don't have the movement I was hoping for. There is a lot of prose but not a ton of forward motion. Remember, entertainment is key.

THE FINAL VERDICT

What I like the most about your story thus far is that it is unpredictable. I really sense that you are writing from your heart and not from a formula.

You could stand to cut down the length of your chapters and combine them so that each chapter has a central rhyme and reason that it exists. Also, you may find that taking out some of the prose will help with the chapter length. Sometimes dialogue and action can carry the story better, especially since you are writing commercial fiction, as opposed to literary fiction.

I am ready to see more action, and I think the last chapter I read has certainly set us up for that. I commend you on establishing a voice for yourself as a writer. Despite the parts that felt a little stilted, I can hear a distinct voice pushing through. You don't sound like every other Wattpad writer.

Now, the question is, would I read further? Yes. With one caveat. Challenge yourself to cut down your chapters to half their size. Not because writing a lot is bad. It's not. However, you want to milk every word for what it's worth. Make it all count. I think if you focus on writing less, you'll find that your story will pack an even greater punch.

So, you've got me! And I look forward to seeing what could come of this. You've definitely got me on the edge of my seat!