"Nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it."
– Calla Quinn

By the time Marcus picked him up at the bus stop, Lucas was regretting washing that dope down the sink. He'd thought he would feel proud of himself, and he had at first... at least for a few hours. But now he felt like he'd cheated himself out of his one chance to feel good, maybe for months to come, and that just felt stupid.

It was even colder here in Chicago than it had been back home, a cold that took Lucas's breath away and stabbed through his clothing like knives. He tried to put on a smile when he saw Marcus, but luckily his cousin was nothing like Jeff. Lucas could get away with lies here, could get away with pretending he was fine.

Marcus was twenty-eight, a cousin on his mother's side, but he and Lucas had always been friendly at the family gatherings. Lucas hadn't seen him since his father had died, but they'd stayed in touch despite not having much in common. Marcus worked for a bank downtown and had a perfectly average life. He was gay but single, and he knew nothing about Lucas's addiction or the craziness he'd gone through. He didn't even know about the overdose and how close he'd been to death.

"Lucas! You've really grown up!" Marcus exclaimed as they embraced.

"Yeah. Eighteen now," Lucas said.

"You look tired," Marcus said with concern.

"Twenty two hours on busses will do that to you," Lucas replied lightheartedly.

Marcus had a wave of brown hair that curled across his forehead in a way that made him look very young, and he had a pretty face and a graceful, feminine way of moving. Despite that, he'd only had two boyfriends in his life and was so shy about meeting new people he never went out by himself to enjoy the city.

"What's new with you?" Lucas asked as they walked away from the bus stop to Marcus's silver Audi. Lucas was carrying his bag and both guitars while Marcus carried the amp.

"Well, believe it or not, I met somebody," Marcus said with a smile.

"Seriously?"

"His name is Dylan. We met at the office. He works two floors above me."

"That's cool. Is he gonna live with us?"

"No. We've only been dating for two months."

Lucas was secretly relieved. He needed plenty of space for himself and didn't feel like meeting anyone new.

"What's up with you?" Marcus asked.

Lucas shrugged. "Oh, you know, not much."

"Are you finishing school virtually?"

"Getting my G.E.D."

Marcus nodded. "So you wanna work here?"

"Oh yeah. I wanna help with the bills and stuff, and when Nora gets here in May we'll be getting our own place," Lucas said.

Then he remembered that Nora might never come at all, and he stopped talking.

"Well we have an opening at my bank. We need a data entry kid. You know, filing, errands, that sorta thing. It pays minimum wage," Marcus said. "I already told my boss you were coming, and the job's there if you want it."

"Seriously? That's awesome! I'll take it for sure!" Lucas said excitedly.

"Cool. You'll start next Monday then. That'll give you a week to get settled and figure out the city, or at least our section of it."

This was the first good news Lucas had heard in what felt like weeks. Still, it didn't come close to touching the darkness that had filled him up.

Marcus's downtown apartment was sparsely decorated but nice. It had old wooden floors and big windows that looked out over the city. It was a tiny space with just two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room, and a closet sized kitchen. Each room was half the size of Lucas's bedroom back in Virginia. The beige sofa in the living room seemed to take up half of the space, just enough room for a small white rug between it and the flat screen TV on the opposite wall.

Marcus showed him the bedroom where he'd be staying. It was tiny too, enough room for a twin bed, a small computer desk, and his amp, but there was a closet at least. The bed was made up with a blue and gray comforter that looked tempting on a freezing, snowy day like this one.

"I'll be going out with Dylan tonight so you'll be on your own. I wrote you some instructions for the TV, the WiFi password and a list of restaurants that deliver. Or just use UberEats," Dylan said, handing him a neatly folded piece of paper.

"Thanks," Lucas said, pocketing it. "I think I just want to sleep for awhile."

"No problem. I'm glad you're here, Lucas. See you later," Marcus said, closing the door behind him.

Lucas climbed under the covers and shut his eyes, trying to block out the fact that he'd hurt Nora. His Zoloft didn't let him drift off easily anymore. It made him jittery, his limbs jerking in his sleep and waking him, brain zaps sparking in his head. So he had taken to buying Z-Quil. He drank a little of the bitter liquid and was out in thirty minutes.

His phone woke him hours later. The apartment was dark, and Marcus was long gone. Lucas reached for it, his heart jumping, thinking it might be Nora. But no. It was only Jeff.

"Hello?" Lucas answered groggily.

"So I guess I woke you up this time, huh?" Jeff said.

Lucas pulled his phone away from his ear and looked at the time. It was only seven.

"What's up?" he asked sleepily.

"Just wanted to check in. See if you made it to Chicago."

Lucas closed his eyes. "I did."

"Good. So you survived your first real world craving? I'm proud of you," Jeff said.

Lucas scoffed. "I did, but I regret it. If I'm being honest. I wouldn't make that same decision if I had another chance with it."

Jeff was quiet for a long time. Lucas thought maybe he'd hung up on him, disgusted and angry. Then he said,

"Well, thanks for being honest."

Lucas's eyes filled with tears. "I was upset because Nora's mad at me for leaving. I only know one thing that'll make me feel better."

"Because you haven't filled the place left behind. You quit your addiction but didn't replace it. Not wise," Jeff said.

Lucas sobbed helplessly. "I can't do this, Jeff! I'm not strong enough. I'm a failure. I fuck up everything! I'll always be a junkie. I can't beat this thing."

"That's a lie. You are not a failure. You didn't ruin everything. You are not a junkie. Don't parrot what your stepfather told you. Don't let him win."

Lucas dried his eyes on the pillowcase. "What do I do? You know, to replace it?"

"Don't think so much. Just get back up tomorrow, give Nora some time and don't beat yourself up. Find an NA meeting and go to it first thing tomorrow."

Lucas nodded, feeling the weight of his fears lift. "Okay. I can do that."

"Stay strong. Be proud of not giving in. And you'd better go to that NA meeting. I expect a full report."

***********

The closest Narcotics Anonymous meeting was just two blocks away. Lucas went to the earliest time slot possible, ten a.m. He walked through the doors queasy with nerves. The building had been one large room in the past, but a makeshift "wall" of bookshelves separated the entrance from the actual meeting room lined with folding chairs. A bunch of people of every race, age and social class were talking and laughing loudly near a coffee machine in front of the shelves.

The smell of coffee drove Lucas towards them, but he didn't say hi. He felt awkward in every way. It was like there was a spotlight on him as everyone looked him over.

"Hey, never seen you before. This your first time here?" asked an older Hispanic man with a graying beard.

"Oh. Um, yeah. I'm Lucas," he mumbled as he filled a styrofoam cup with black coffee, just the way he liked it.

"I'm Gabriel. It's nice to meet you," the man said, shaking his hand.

"So... how do things work here?" Lucas asked. "You just go into the room and...?"

"Sit anywhere."

"Except Relapse Row against the wall. That space is bad luck," chimed in another man, this one younger than Gabriel.

"Way to scare the kid off, John," Gabriel said, smirking. "Anyway, Lucas, all you do is sit and listen. Share if you want to. That's it."

"Okay," Lucas said, feeling better.

He sat next to Gabriel in the meeting room and pretty much just followed his lead as everyone recited the Serenity Prayer and a few chosen people read general information about the program. Then the "sharing portion" of the meeting began.

People shared about everything from relapsing to depression to anxiety to suicide to family and work. Everyone who spoke said their name followed by "I'm an addict." Lucas had downed his coffee and was chewing on the rim of the styrofoam cup nervously, wondering if he should say something.

"I'm Gabriel and I'm an addict."

The voice interrupted his thoughts. Lucas looked next to him at the man he'd just met, suddenly interested.

"Today I'm at ninety days, and I'm just grateful to be here," he said, and everyone clapped.

A few other people shared after Gabriel, and then a buzzer went off and the lady running the meeting cleared her throat.

"We always reserve the last five minutes of each meeting for a burning desire. A burning desire can be described as an intense need to use or hurt yourself or others. Would anyone like to share? Don't ever leave with a burning desire," she said.

No one spoke. It was now or never, and Lucas took a deep breath and said,

"I'm Lucas and I'm an addict."

Everyone said, "Hi Lucas," and he felt awkward again, but it was too late to back out now.

"Um... I just moved here yesterday from Virginia. I haven't used in a few months, but I don't know why I quit anymore. I wanna go back to using until I don't feel anymore. I forced myself to come here, but all I'm thinking about is dope. And... yeah... that's all."

"Thanks for sharing," everyone said.

The desire to get high didn't disappear completely, but Lucas felt stronger somehow after getting it off his chest.

After he shared, a volunteer held up a chain of different colored key tags at the front of the room.

"We always start with white, the color of surrender. Is anyone ready to start fresh today? Maybe you relapsed. Maybe it's your first time at NA. Anyone?" the volunteer asked.

Lucas stood up and walked forward to get the key tag, feeling much less awkward as everyone clapped and cheered. Back at his seat, he looked at it. It had golden letters that said NA on one side and "Just for today" on the other.

At the end of the meeting, lots of people came up to him and hugged him or shook his hand. Some said, "It's hard right now, but it'll get easier. Keep coming back."

Everyone was so nice Lucas felt compelled to go back. Listening to people's thoughts, feelings and stories, so similar to his own, had made him feel better.

He started the next few days at NA and then walked through downtown Chicago and familiarized himself with some of the shops and streets.

Both his new job and the meetings were a good distraction, but he desperately missed Nora, who still wasn't talking to him. He even called his mother and begged her to put Nora on the phone, but Sarah refused.

'It's her choice, honey. I'm sorry," Sarah said.

"Tell her I love her?" Lucas asked helplessly.

"Of course I will."

Each day Lucas continued to text Nora faithfully to say that he loved her and missed her like crazy.

Out of all the things he'd envisioned about leaving home, he had never considered losing Nora over it. And losing her meant losing everything that mattered to him.