"Dead people are just like you and me, they still want things. They look at us all the time, and they miss being alive."
― Peter Straub, "The Throat"

If Gus had his way, all of his time would be spent with Hex. Every. Single. Minute. But Hex needed space, needed time alone, to think. It was a personality conflict they kept running into. She would turn down an offer to hang out, and Gus's face would fall, his whole demeanor visibly shrinking.

"Why? You wanna break up with me?" he would ask every time.

"No. I love being with you. I just need some space," she would say, but she was never sure he fully understood that. Gus was so used to being abandoned, it was always his first thought and biggest fear.

Whether she wanted to or not, they were going to have to come to some resolution. Back when she was with Adam, if he'd had a similar complaint she would have told him to grow up and get over it. But the way she had treated Adam was now a source of shame to her and one of her biggest regrets. She was having to work against herself to be kinder. Gus understood the whole world through emotions, while she understood the world as a war, a war she was always fighting, sometimes losing and sometimes winning. But always fighting fighting fighting for survival, trying to outsmart her enemies.

"Gus, babe, we need to talk," Hex said as gently as she could on a bright sunny afternoon after Gus had gotten off work. They were still at the tattoo shop, and he was putting Moon into her carrier to take back home.

Gus immediately turned to look at her. There was real terror in his eyes.

"Oh shit, what did I do? I'm sorry, really sorry," he said.

Hex was annoyed, but she took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and let it out through her nose. Instant calm washed over her. It was a technique Ember had taught her to help control her anger.

"You did nothing wrong. I just want to talk," she said patiently.

"Well let's talk right now. What's wrong? What's going on?" Gus asked.

Hex shook her head. "Not here. The bridge."

The bridge had become their safe spot, as it had always been even in the days when Adam was alive. It crossed over an abandoned railway track that never saw traffic anymore, so it was unlikely other people would be around to hear them.

"Okay, let's go," he said.

Gus was speed walking, and they didn't speak. Hex could feel his anxiety radiating off him. She took another deep breath and slipped her hand into his. He glanced at her, and she smiled. Then she lifted the hand and kissed it. She was learning how to be affectionate by watching Ember and West. It seemed to come so naturally to them. A touch on the back here, a kiss on the neck there, while passing each other in a room or sitting on the couch together. It happened so effortlessly, so simply.

Hex could tell the small amount of physical touch had reassured Gus, and she was pleased with herself for making progress. She didn't want to lose Gus. There was no one else like him in the whole world, and she doubted anyone else could love her this much, with such purity. She knew she was falling in love with him too.

At the bridge, they sat down side by side on the slanted wall.

"Well?" Gus asked.

"Well, I wanted to talk about you and me. Who we are. We're very different people, Gus," Hex said.

"Okay," Gus said.

"Which is fine. Opposites attract and all that, but..."

"I knew there was a but coming," he said, sighing.

"But, I'm the type of person who needs to spend time alone to feel normal. Introverted. I need time every single day to just process stuff by myself," Hex explained. "Does that make sense?"

Gus nodded. "Okay."

"And you're the type of person who doesn't like to be alone. You always want to be together, and that's exhausting for someone like me. So when I say I don't wanna hang out or I just wanna be alone, it doesn't mean I'm mad at you or unhappy. It just means what it is. I need to be alone."

Gus made a "hm" noise.

"What do you think?" she pressed.

"Makes sense. I don't want you to get sick of me!" Gus said, laughing.

Hex laughed too. "Gus, we've known each other for a long time. If I was gonna get sick of you, I would have by now. As well as I know you though, I don't know everything, and things might come up that we need to talk about as we get to know each other more."

"Yeah. It's different being with you, but in a good way!" Gus said.

"Definitely in a good way," she replied, resting her head on his shoulder.

"That's a relief," Gus said softly.

"What is?"

"I was just worried about what you were going to say."

"You don't need to worry about me leaving you. I'm not going anywhere. I hope someday you can really accept that," Hex said.

"I know, but I lose everyone..." Gus mumbled. "Everyone I've ever loved but you."

"Adam and who else?" Hex asked, confused.

"There was a girl when I was on Skid Row. Mahaylia. We were planning a future and everything, and she got her throat slit right in front of me by this pimp. I watched her die like I watched Adam die. I don't think I can handle losing another one."

"You won't have to," Hex said.

"Sometimes I get so scared that it's somethin' about me. Somethin' so wrong I don't deserve to be loved."

"You should never think that. You deserved every bit of love anyone ever gave you and much more than that too..."

"Then why...?" Gus asked, then stopped, shook his head. "It's stupid to feel sorry for myself. Other people had it worse."

Hex wasn't sure what to say. He had only told her a fraction about his childhood, but from what he'd described it had been pretty brutal. She didn't think it was fair to make comparisons to others. Everyone handled things differently.

———————

That night was the first night Hex dreamed about Adam. Well, she'd had plenty of dreams about him, but in those dreams he had appeared to her as if he had never died. He was just a character like any of the others who made appearances in those dreams, but this was the first time she had the knowledge that he was dead and shouldn't be there.

In the dream Hex was at the bridge, and Adam was standing in the ravine with his back to her. It was nighttime, darker than it typically was with no streetlights illuminating the space.

"Why are you here?" she asked his back.

Adam turned around slowly. He smiled when he saw her. He looked so beautiful, so wonderfully peaceful. "What do you mean?"

"You're dead. You're not here anymore. You need to go," she said.

"I can't go," he told her, shaking his head.

"Why not?"

"I don't know, just can't," he said, smiling a little sheepishly.

"Don't you know you're dead? What do you need from me so you can move on?"

"Tell me about Daisy," Adam said softly.

The name stabbed her like a knife. Hex looked down and realized she was pregnant, as pregnant as she'd ever been before everything happened. She touched her swollen belly with both hands, and hot tears filled her eyes.

"Here," Adam said.

Suddenly he was right in front of her, and Hex jumped back. She hadn't heard him walking over, but he was holding something out to her, and she took it. It was the small heartbeat monitor the doctor had given them.

With the hot tears now running down her face, Hex drew the wand across her abdomen searching for that fluttering, fast, ferocious heartbeat. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Nothing. Her womb was empty like outer space.

Hex shook her head. "I can't find it," she whispered.

Adam knelt down and pressed his ear to her belly.

"Just wait. It'll be there. Keep looking. You always give up too fast," he said.

"No!" she cried, pushing him away.

Adam looked at her, the betrayal clear in his eyes, which were filling with tears. He started to sob.

"Don't do this to me! Tell me what she looks like. Tell me everything about her, please..." he pleaded through his tears. "Please! It's all I have!"

Hex shook her head. "I can't tell you anything. I'm sorry."

"Why not?"

"Go, Adam, please go. Go where you need to go..."

"No! I can't go!"

Adam reached for her, but she took three steps back.

"It's dark! I'm so cold! I want you to hold me!" he cried desperately. "Please... I need you. I'm so scared!"

Her heart ached for him. Hex gasped through her tears and wrapped her arms around him. He buried his face against her chest, and she kissed the top of his head. Everything was so familiar... the warmth of him, the smell of him. It was so real.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered in his ear. "So sorry I wasn't there, sweetheart."

"Just stay with me now," Adam murmured. "I'm so alone. I'm so cold, Hex. Don't let me go."

He closed his eyes as she stroked his hair. It was then that she remembered Gus, remembered that Adam wasn't here anymore...

"I have to let you go now..." she said gently.

"Don't!"

"I have to let you go, Adam... I have to. You're not here anymore. You're gone. You need to move on."

"No!" he cried, clinging to her, sobbing. "Please hold me! I can't be here alone anymore! Let me see Daisy just once!"

"I have to let go now. I have to."

She tried to pry his arms off of her but she couldn't, and it was then that she woke up gasping for breath, her heart pounding. She was on Ember's couch, and it was the middle of the night. The apartment was freezing cold, much colder than it usually was. The air conditioner was an ancient window unit that barely worked, but it felt like a winter night. Hex reached up to wipe the tears off her face. Even her skin was freezing cold.