"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves."
-Anatole France

Gus was sitting on the front porch of the ranch house, waiting for Jeff to come around with the black SUV that would take them both to
the airport. He was clutching Moon and trying not to cry while he said his goodbyes to her. Oblivious, she purred away in his arms. Moon had grown up to be a little smaller than a regular cat, but she still curled up against Gus's
neck at night like she was the same tiny kitten. He would miss Gina and Moon the most out of everyone at the ranch. Both of them had become family to him.

Gina opened the front door and sat down next to him in another rocking chair. She had a small brown bag on her lap.

"I got you a little something," she said.

"What?" Gus asked curiously.

Gina handed him the bag. He expected clothing, shoes, socks or something equally boring, but what he pulled out was a plush black cat stuffed with beans. It had blue marble eyes and a pink button nose, and its fur was made of fuzzy knitted yarn.

"I made it," Gina said.

"You made this?" Gus asked, surprised. As simple as it was, it could have passed as something from a toy store.

"It's Moon. A copy of Moon anyway," she said.

"Oh." Gus's heart sank at the reminder that in a few minutes, he would have to let go of the real Moon forever.

"It's not just for you. It's also for Moon," Gina said quietly. "Something both of you can remember me by, because Moon is staying with you."

"What?" Gus whispered, not sure he'd heard her right.

"I think you'd both be brokenhearted if you were separated, and I can't have that on my conscience," Gina said with a smile.

Just then the black SUV pulled up in front of the porch. Gus stood, still holding both Moon and the stuffed cat and walked into Gina's open arms since he couldn't hug her first.

"Thank you," he mumbled against her shoulder. The comforting scent of her peach hand lotion enveloped him. For the rest of his life, he would associate that smell with being safe.

"I'll miss you very much, but I know you're in good hands with Jeff," Gina said.

"Maybe I can come back with Jeff sometimes and just visit," Gus said.

"I'd like that."

"Thank you... thank you for everything," Gus said, pulling away from her. He wanted to say more, but his limited education made it all but impossible for him to articulate what she'd meant to him and how much she had helped him on all those dark nights. He wouldn't have made it through some of those EMDR sessions without her.

The words he couldn't say became tears. Gina reached out and wiped them off his cheeks with her thumbs, but she was crying too.

"Oh, let me get a crate for Moon," she said, trying to compose herself.

Gina disappeared back into the house and came out with a small animal crate and an envelope. She put the crate on the ground and handed Gus the envelope.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Moon is now a certified emotional companion. Thank Dr. Paul for that one. She's helped with your PTSD episodes so much he decided to sign off on the paper work."

"What does that mean?" Gus asked.

"It means she can be with you on the plane instead of down below with the luggage, where she'd be scared to death. It also means you can
take her with you to most public places as long as you have a leash for her and the paperwork."

"Really? That's awesome!" Gus said with a grin. Getting to keep Moon was enough good news on its own even without this added bonus.

Jeff honked the horn, and Gina gave Gus one last hug. "Have a good trip," she said.

"Bye! Thanks, Gina! Love you!" Gus said, waving backwards with the empty crate since his hands were full.

"I love you too!" she called after him.

**************

After checking in for their flight at the airport, Jeff stopped and turned to face Gus. There were black retractable belt dividers next to them, and a line of people was snaking through the maze as slowly as the cows at the ranch when it was time to call them in for the night. Gus wondered what they were in line for.

"Okay, Gus, we'll be going through TSA now," Jeff said, nodding at the line. "I just want to give you a heads up. It's loud, confusing, and they may try to pat you down."

Gus nodded, adjusting his heavy luggage and Moon's crate. She was mewing repeatedly, scared and confused. Gus was starting to feel scared as well.

Jeff continued to explain. "They'll have you take off your shoes and you load everything you got on this conveyer belt. It goes through a
machine and then out the other side."

Gus had already started getting nervous as soon as they checked in for their flight, and now his heart was racing. He had never been on a plane and knew next to nothing about traveling.

They entered the TSA line and began snaking through it slowly along with everyone else. Up at the conveyer belts, it was loud and confusing just as Jeff had promised. People were standing in big glass tubes with their hands up. The TSA workers were throwing these plastic crates around, and the crashing noise made him jump each time. They were rude too, barking orders at people, like the guards did back in juvie. Gus could feel himself starting to panic, but Jeff put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Put your shoes and bag in this," Jeff said, handing Gus one of the plastic boxes.

After this was done, he nodded at the glass tube in front of them.

"That's an x-ray machine to see if you have any weapons. I'll go through first and show you how it's done," Jeff said.

Gus waited nervously in his socks while Jeff entered the glass tube and held his hands up. It was Gus's turn now. He stood on the two yellow marks for his feet and held his hands up, a vulnerable position that he didn't like. This felt so much like juvie.

"Step out," one of the TSA workers said.

Gus's heart was pounding. They were going to touch him- he just knew it. And it would be so humiliating when he inevitably freaked out in front of everyone. He focused on trying to take deep, even breaths.

The worker checked a screen behind Gus's head and nodded. "You're free to go."

The relief that crashed through him made Gus weak in the knees, almost made him fall over. He stood for a few extra seconds to let the adrenaline dissipate into his cells, and then he followed Jeff out of the line.

—————

It was surreal watching the ground, the roads, the cars and houses get smaller and smaller as they rose into the air. Gus couldn't wait to see Chicago like this. He had always been the mouse inside its huge maze, but from up here he could see forever, be free of the dark corners and darker memories that waited for him there. He wondered if he would recognize anything from up here in the sky.

When the pilot announced their descent, Gus eagerly looked out the window. But now it was dark outside, and he couldn't see anything. There was a storm over the city, and rain lashed the plane's windows. He could only see the thick blanket of clouds under them when the lightning flashed. Somewhere below that layer of storm was Chicago... home.

—————

Gus knew the suburbs existed the same way he knew that Italy or Mars existed. It was just another place he would never go. A place heard of and only imagined. But now, here he was at Jeff's small house in a quiet neighborhood. Everything looked clean. Nothing was broken. There was no graffiti. There were no sketchy people guarding access to the street like there always were in the slums.

"Didn't know there were nice houses like this," he told Jeff.

Jeff laughed. "Nice? Well, I guess you're right. It's a nice little place. Not very big though."

Gus would be staying in the second of two bedrooms. The room had a twin bed and an empty chest of drawers. It also had a closet with sliding mirrored doors. The first thing he did was open it, make sure it was empty, and close it again.

"Who looks after this place when you're at the ranch?" he asked, letting Moon out of the crate so she could explore their new space.

"I hire someone to keep an eye on things and the mail is forwarded," Jeff said.

Gus put his luggage next to the bed and unzipped the tallest suitcase.

"Do I get to use all the drawers?" he asked Jeff, nodding at the dresser.

"It's all yours. The closet too. You must be hungry. I'm not up for cooking, but we can order a pizza if you want."

Gus nodded eagerly. He hadn't eaten since they'd left the ranch that morning.

Hours later, full and freshly showered, Gus fell asleep in his new bed, but the sleep was restless. When he woke up it was 4:30 in the morning, and he was wide awake. Unable to make himself go back to sleep, he got up and crept out of the room, down the hallway and out the front door of the little house. There was something he needed to do.

—————

It was just the way he remembered it. Cold. Graffitied concrete. The ravine at the bottom was still filled with trash, dead leaves, dirty puddles of rainwater, used syringes and pipes. He hopped down from the sidewalk and placed an unopened package of Reese's in the leaves where Adam had died. Then he crawled up the slanted concrete wall and sat down where they used to sleep.

"Hey, man. It's me. Gus," he said out loud.

A cold breeze blew through the underside of the bridge and made him shiver. It might've been spring everywhere else, but in Chicago, winter lingered like a faint scar.

"I miss you. A lot. And I'm really fuckin' sorry about that night. I knew you weren't yourself when you hit me. I knew you'd never do that to me if you were normal. I shoulda tried harder to keep that pipe out your fuckin' hands. You don't deserve to be dead."

Gus paused to wipe his eyes on the collar of his coat. It was so cold he had to keep his hands tucked up inside his dangling sleeves.

"I'm clean now, believe it or not. But I'm still tryin' to figure shit out without you around. I been through some crazy stuff since we talked. Well, since we talked in real life. I still don't know if all these dreams and shit with you are real or if my brain just misses you that bad. Either way, I'll catch you up."

Gus told Adam the story of Skid Row, what had happened to him there and how he'd watched Mahaylia die.

"I really loved her," he said softly. "Like I loved you. And like you loved Hex."

Gus thought about Hex's stricken face when he'd told her about Adam. She was the only girl Adam had ever loved.

"I had a crush on Hex when you was with her, and I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I loved you too. You were my first real love. You and Hex both. I'd never seen that girl cry 'till she lost you. I bet she still misses you like I do."

Gus paused again and took a deep breath.

"I been facin' a lot of the shit that happened to me when I was little. Startin' to understand why I think the way I do about myself. Remember when you told me about what happened to you and why you ran away? I'm sorry. It don't make it right, and I know I said it before but that was back before I knew what it felt like to be raped. Not just molested. Raped. I felt like the dirtiest piece of shit for so long after that. Felt like something disgusting was livin' in me. Sometimes I didn't even feel like a person anymore."

Gus stopped. "But I met this guy in rehab. Jeff. He's helpin' me see myself different, and I hope wherever you are, you see yourself different too. Back then we were like two broken pieces that fit together, but we didn't have no glue. Jeff's givin' me the glue to put myself together, and I hope that when you finally cross over to the other side, somebody is there waitin' to glue you up too. I don't think you've crossed over yet. I feel you close. In one of those dreams you said you were waiting on me to find someone, but I did. I found Jeff, and I'm okay now. So why can't you cross over?"

Gus wiped his eyes again. "I still love you, Adam. I think about holding you. I miss you like crazy. I wish you would cross over and be happy, but... maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not ready to let you go."

Gus sat under the bridge for a long, long time, thinking about Adam and allowing himself to grieve like Jeff had taught him. Then he heard footsteps, and he looked to the right.

Standing there, wide eyed and shocked, was a girl with red curly hair and the bluest eyes.

"Hex," Gus said softly.