"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
— Ingrid Bergman

Gus didn't have time to be nervous about his first kiss with Hex. It really just happened... out of no where. When she pulled away he started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Hex asked.

"I don't know," Gus replied, embarrassed. "Do you ever get really happy, so happy it makes you laugh for some reason?"

"What, like if something is funny?"

"No!" Gus laughed again. He couldn't stop.
"Nothing funny! Just so happy! Like it just comes out of you- like you can't not do it."

Hex started laughing then too. "You're so weird."

"I guess that's a no?"

"That's a no-idea-what-the-fuck-you're-talking-about," she said.

"So I'm the only one?"

"At least it'll help me figure out when you're really happy!" Hex said.

"I'm really happy right now," Gus replied.

"I can tell!"

He leaned in close to her mouth and whispered. "Yeah? How?"

Hex kissed him again. "Mm... 'cause if you were pissed about me kissing you, I don't think you'd be this close. And you laughed. But mostly because you're this close."

"This close?" Gus asked, brushing her cheek with his lips. "Or this close?" he said against her mouth. Gus felt her lips open in response, but he held back on kissing her. They breathed together like that, lips barely touching, barely moving except for when he felt her smile. He sensed it was driving her crazy in the best way. When he ran his hands up her arms he felt the goosebumps.

"Closer," Hex whispered, and she kissed him fully. She leaned back against the slanted concrete, pulling him with her, her hands on either side of his face, and he settled between her legs.

As they kissed Hex ran her fingertips just under the band of his jeans, and he ran his just under her t-shirt, walking them across her belly.

"I want to take things slow with you," she murmured.

"As slow as you want," Gus said.

"This is good for tonight."

"It's good for me too."

"Really? You're not just saying that?"

"I mean it. Kissing you is... more than I coulda hoped for," Gus said.

"It's just that I haven't been with anyone since Adam, and that was, well you know... years ago at this point. I was only seventeen. I think about sex really differently now," she said softly.

"I get that, and I know we've both grown up a lot," he responded.

"I just want to take things slow now, notice everything... notice you."

"Notice what about me?" Gus asked curiously.

He pulled away so he could see her eyes, and she was staring intently at him.

"I want to find out who you are, not who you had to be to survive."

Gus tucked a tendril of her red hair behind her ear. "Oh."

"We have lots of time. Nothing to run from. Nowhere to get to," she said.

"I got you," he said.

"I know you do."

—————

An hour later Gus walked Hex back to Ember's place. Neither of them wanted to say goodnight, but what choice was there?

"Even if we weren't... taking it slow... where could we even go?" Hex asked with a grin.

"Oh shit, you're right! You live with two people and a three-year-old. I live with Jeff," Gus said, realizing their disappointing circumstances.

"Basically, one of us needs our own place or..."

"Some other solution," Gus said.

"Well, you can take some time thinking on it. Get creative," Hex said, and she laughed, kissing him one last time before disappearing upstairs and leaving him lightheaded with his knees weak.

When Gus wandered back into Jeff's house, he could barely remember how he got there. Jeff was still awake and watching TV.

"Hey," Gus said absently.

"Hey, you good?" Jeff asked, turning the TV down.

Gus paused in the entryway and took a deep breath, then laughed. "Um... yeah. Oh yeah."

"I can see that. I guess I don't need to ask what happened with Hex."

He shook his head. "I'm gonna get some sleep. Maybe take a shower first. A cold one," Gus said. "Really cold."

Jeff laughed. "Whatever you need to do. Can't get that fresh ink wet though."

"Oh yeah. Shit, forgot about that," Gus said. "I'm outta luck tonight then. Guess I'm taking some sleeping pills."

"Use some of that Aquafor cream in the cabinet. As much as you need," Jeff said.

"For the tattoo?" Gus asked.

"No for the other business," Jeff said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Yes for the tattoo. Goddamn, kid."

Gus laughed again. "Got it."

"In the cabinet. Really slather it on the first night."

"Mmhm."

"On the tattoo."

"I know, Jeff!"

"Just making sure."

"You're an ass."

"Sometimes."

"Goodnight."

"'Night."

For a long time after leaving the ranch, Gus had been able to sleep without any nightmares, and Jeff now only performed EMDR sessions with him monthly.

But in the past few weeks a new nightmare had formed and now haunted him most nights. It was different from all his other nightmares, which he could usually trace to specific memories. This nightmare was more of a feeling than a memory or a story. The only thing visible in the dream was a cage made of white wooden bars. That cage had been part of his dreams for as long as he could remember, but lately it took front and center. And now he was always inside it.

Sometimes there was a blurry light and a shadow that terrified him. He could hear a baby screaming, and the fear was worse than any other nightmare he'd experienced. Fear, pain, and helplessness. He felt the intense, gut wrenching need for something or someone, and in response he could only scream for it. There was no relief. The end of the dream came only when he realized that no one was coming to his rescue or would ever come, and he succumbed to despair and death.

He didn't share the dream with Jeff, thinking it would subside on its own after a few weeks, but when it didn't he confessed to Hex.

"So what should I do to make it stop?" he asked her.

Hex frowned. "How bad does it affect your sleep?"

"Pretty bad, lately. It started as maybe one night a week and now it's turning into, like, three nights, and when I wake up after it I can't go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Don't know why, I just can't. I even tried taking sleeping pills last time, and I laid there awake on those sleeping pills. It felt so weird, like a slow-ass, really boring ket trip."

Hex smiled. "I don't know. When Adam's used to get bad he'd go on a bender and stay up for a few days, and once he was that exhausted he didn't dream much, and that stopped the nightmares for awhile."

"I used to do that too. He taught me that trick," Gus said. "And it worked like a charm."

"So get yourself some meth," Hex said jokingly.

"Oh sure I'll just lose my job, my house, my plans, my sobriety, my cash, you know, all that unimportant stuff," Gus said, raising an eyebrow.

She laughed. "I was kidding and you know it. I just don't have a lot of advice I can give you. Tell Jeff."

But Gus didn't want to tell Jeff. It wasn't that he was ashamed of the dream. It was that he was happy right now, extremely happy, and he didn't want anything to darken that happiness, especially new memories or revelations about his traumas. It was nice to think he had faced his biggest traumas back at the ranch and that they couldn't reach him here. He was in a new era of his life. Wasn't that the point of the forest fire tattoo he had now devoted six hours and two sessions to getting? Nothing from his past could hurt him now.