Jungkook felt miserable. Devastated. And he was the reason.

He had pushed Taehyung away and was left with his pride. It didn’t seem so important when Taehyung actually stormed out of his apartment, but it was too late to undo what he had said and done.

Sobbing uncontrollably for a long, long time with his head buried in the pillow, he felt numb. His mind was a vacant mess — he didn’t know why he was crying anymore. He just needed to let it out.

After a few hours of lying on the couch and with no tears left to cry, he heard his phone beep. He extended his hand weakly towards the table and grabbed it. He observed the message Jimin sent him, asking if they could come over. He replied since he knew they wouldn’t leave him alone otherwise, saying he wanted to stay alone today and for the weekend and that he would see them on Monday.

Taehyung wasn’t in a better condition. Once he left his apartment, he couldn’t tame his tears for a long time. The first thing he did when he got home was open a bottle of soju. Then the next one. And another one after that. He wasn’t as mad at Jungkook as he was at himself. He had no idea how to help him, and that was what wrecked him the most.

Yoongi texted him, asking about Jungkook since they didn't know what had happened with the two. And Taehyung was surprised at himself when an urge to see them bloomed in his gut. Usually, he wanted to be alone and just drink either at his place or a bar. He never wanted company in times like these.

But this time, he asked them to come over. And the sight his friends faced was wrenching. A row of bottles of soju were on the coffee table, and Yoongi rushed to check if they were all empty. Upon realizing they were, his chest clenched with heartbreak, and he gazed at Taehyung, who was sitting on the couch with another soju in his hand. His eyes lay glassy in their sockets, with tears at the ready to fall, and a visible exhaustion carpeted his traits.

“What the hell?” Namjoon uttered.

“You drank all these bottles?” Seokjin asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” Taehyung said, his voice coming out so frail and broken, just like his heart.

The five boys settled down in the living room, waiting for Taehyung to explain what had happened. And once he did, their worry about both Jungkook and Taehyung only upsurged.

“Jimin-ah, can’t you go to his apartment? I don’t want him to be alone,” Taehyung pleaded, grasping the bottle in his hand.

“He asked me to leave him alone. Even if I show up, he won’t open the door. You know him,” Jimin said with palpable bitterness.

“He can’t be alone, guys. He can’t...”

“We’ll try going to him tomorrow, don’t worry,” Seokjin said, offering him a comforting smile.

Taehyung remained silent most of the time, listening to whatever his friends chatted about in hopes of alleviating even a fraction of his pain. He only spoke when they asked him something. As much as they tried stopping him from drinking his sixth bottle of soju, they didn’t succeed. But that bottle knocked Taehyung out; he laid his head back and drifted off to sleep before he knew it.

Namjoon moved him to his bed and draped the blanket over his body before returning to the living room.

“Guys, this is messed up,” Hoseok uttered. “What are we going to do?”

“We can’t do anything,” Yoongi said with a sigh. “They need time.”

. . .

As Seokjin said, he dropped by Jungkook’s apartment with Jimin the next day. They knocked on his door and called out his name countless times, but they got no answer, even after staying there for over an hour. They slouched away, thinking he truly needed to be alone.

The other three boys went to check on Taehyung. He was still plunged in the same wretchedness, but at least he was sober. They stayed with him for hours, with the other two boys joining them at some point, completely defeated.

🥀

A stifling mantle of disquiet encircled the six boys at Jungkook’s absence as their first class of the week was about to start.

Jihoon entered the classroom with Eunhyuk, and the latter called their names, but frowned as there was no response when he called Jungkook. He glanced at his group of friends. “Where is he?”

“Can we talk to you outside?” Taehyung asked.

Still frowning, Eunhyuk trod towards the exit, with Jihoon and the six boys following him. “What happened?”

“We don’t know where he is,” Jimin said. “He doesn’t answer his phone.”

“Did you go to his apartment?” Jihoon asked.

“We went on the weekend and before coming here, and he didn’t open the door.”

“What if... What if he—”

“No,” Taehyung growled, cutting Seokjin off. “He had some messed up thoughts, but he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that to himself. He wouldn’t do that to us.”

“Stop thinking about stupid things,” Eunhyuk snarled. “We don’t know what happened yet. Jihoon-ah, come on.” He signed him to follow him, and they headed to the teacher’s lounge. “We have emergency phone numbers for every trainee.”

“You’re right!” Jihoon exclaimed and rushed to search Jungkook’s file. “It’s his mother’s number.”

Eunhyuk typed the number and brought the phone to his ear. It took a while, but a woman’s voice sounded on the other line.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mrs. Jeon. Sorry to bother you. I’m calling about your son Jeon Jungkook. I’m Lee Eunhyuk, his teacher from Big Hit Company.”

“Oh, hello. How can I help you?”

“Your son didn’t come today to the company and I’m afraid we can’t find him at his apartment either. Do you happen to know where he is?”

“That would be reasonable since he’s here,” she said with a chuckle. “I don’t understand, though. He said he informed the company and that he actually took a leave for a week?”

Eunhyuk released a sigh of relief, but the feeling lasted for only a second, because the next, an inkling of fury replaced it. “Can I talk to him? He’s not picking up his phone.”

“Of course, one second.”

Eunhyuk waited for a while, making him
wonder what was taking so long. He heard some muffled sounds and recognized Jungkook’s voice saying, “Don’t wanna.” Another round of mumbling flowed by that had him shaking his head.

“Hello?”

“Jungkook. What are you doing? Your friends are worried sick about you, and frankly, so are we.”

“I’m sorry,” Jungkook mumbled. “I just needed to leave for a while, so I came to my mother in Busan.”

“And I understand that, but you should have informed us first. What about your attendance?”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I was going to call you... eventually.”

“And why don’t I believe that?”

“Can you just don’t tell anyone? I don’t want them to know where I am.”

“You should at least tell them you’re okay, Jungkook. You can’t just leave them thinking the worst.”

“I will send them a text or something, I guess. Will you do it?”

Eunhyuk sighed. “Fine, I won’t tell them anything, but you better let them know you’re okay.”

“I will.”

“Take care, and next week, I better see you in the classroom.”

“Yes, Mr. Lee. Thank you.”

Jihoon stared at him as he ended the call. “Did he really just leave without saying anything?”

“Yes, apparently, he’s at his mother in Busan. He asked me not to tell anyone about it. Can you do that?”

“But why?”

“He doesn’t want anyone to know. I don’t know why.”

“Okay, then. Let’s go back to the class.”

. . .

The six boys went to talk to the two teachers again after their class.

“Jungkook texted he’s okay. Literally, he only said that.” Jimin shook his head in opprobrium.

“At least you know he’s fine,” Jihoon smiled.

“Focus on your classes, guys,” Eunhyuk added before walking away with Jihoon.

“Let’s go change,” Seokjin said, defeated.

“I’ll find you later.” Taehyung took off towards the teacher’s lounge and soon knocked on the door. He knew something was going on. He could pick up on the awkwardness of Jihoon’s smile and words earlier so easily.

“Taehyung? What’s wrong?” Eunhyuk asked as he sat on his chair.

“Exactly my question.” He darted his eyes to Jihoon, nailing him with an intense stare.

“Meaning?”

“You know something.” Taehyung’s voice carried a sharpness, similar to the one his gaze contained.

“Taehyung, we don’t know anything,” Eunhyuk said.

“You’re now acting completely different from this morning. I’m not blind, so tell me, what do you know?”

“We told you we don’t know.”

“Mr. Jung, please.” Taehyung approached him, ignoring Eunhyuk’s lies.

Jihoon glanced at him. “He wants to be alone.”

“Jihoon-ah!”

“Please,” Taehyung whispered, his eyes glimmering with pained tears.

“Taehyung...” A mask of shock spread across Jihoon’s face as he perceived his tearful state. He glimpsed at Eunhyuk, seeking permission to help the poor boy, and the other gave a weak nod. “He’s at his mother in Busan. He’ll come back sometime in the weekend.”

Taehyung wiped the wetness that eventually flowed down his cheeks and inhaled deeply. “Thank you.”

“I’m assuming you’ll go there?” Eunhyuk asked.

“Of course I am,” Taehyung stated, then marched out of the room.

🥀

Jungkook had packed his things and left for Busan the same day he fought with Taehyung. That torturing constriction that clasped his neck made him suffocate. He couldn’t stay there anymore, with all the memories he had created with Taehyung in his apartment squashing him devastatingly.

His mother welcomed him warmly as always, then scolded him for not informing her that he would visit. She detected his worn-out state, no matter how hard Jungkook tried to hide his wretchedness behind his smile. Jungkook told her he didn’t want to talk about it, and she made his favorite food to cheer him up.

After Jungkook ended the call with his teacher, she delivered another round of scolding since he lied about taking a leave from the company, but she couldn’t stay mad at him. She knew he needed time.

“Don’t you want to go for a walk?” Jian suggested. “You stayed inside for the whole weekend.”

“Not really.”

“You can see your friends. And you can meet with Sungwoon.”

“I haven’t talked to any of them in a long time, mom. I doubt they want to meet up.”

When Jungkook moved to Seoul, he tried to keep in touch with his friends, but it was challenging. He barely had time because he was preparing for the audition nonstop. So eventually he gave up, and they stopped texting so often too.

“Just try it,” she insisted. “Tell Sungwoon to come over.”

“Mom!” Jungkook whined. “I’m not meeting Sungwoon.”

“Why? You guys were so fond of each other. It’s a shame you fought and drifted apart.”

“Well, I was an asshole...”

“Come on, baby, don’t be harsh on yourself. Go out. Go for a walk alone even. You need fresh air.”

Jungkook considered her suggestion, then his mind filled with the memories he had with Sungwoon. They grew up together and spent almost every day together since they were in the same school. They felt close to each other and shared everything. Until they graduated and Jungkook announced he was leaving. He could still remember the way Sungwoon had looked at him. As if he had destroyed his whole world.

Sungwoon confessed his feelings before he could leave. Jungkook would be lying if he said he didn’t feel something for him. But as much as he tried to picture them together, he couldn’t. They had known each other for as long as he could remember, and he felt more like a brother to him than anything else.

When he came back at some point for a seminar, he was excited to see him again, but Sungwoon was awkward around him. Although Sungwoon tried his best to act like everything was the same, nothing was. And Jungkook could feel it too.

Jungkook fished his phone from his pocket and texted his old friends. He could use some company, anyway. They responded minutes later, telling him how excited they were that they would meet all together again.

Sungwoon was in this group of friends as well, but Jungkook didn’t ask if he was coming. They arranged to meet tonight at their old usual place — a bar that had the most delicious beer and the music they liked the most.

Jungkook spent his day at home watching TV and chatting with his mother until it was time to get ready for his night out.

He said goodbye to his mother and off he went to meet his five — or six — most beloved friends from his hometown. The walk to the bar was short, and he soon stepped inside. He located his friends and broke into a smile as he neared them.

“Guys, look who’s here,” Jisung said with a grin he couldn’t control as he jumped to his feet to greet him.

“I’ll be damned,” Woojin chuckled.

“Well, I’m back.” Jungkook hugged each one of them, smiling all the while, and perched on an empty chair.

They placed their order, then Jaehwan riveted his attention on Jungkook. “Damn it, Kook, where have you been? Why aren’t you visiting us at all? Don’t you miss us?”

Jungkook giggled at his cute moue. “You haven’t changed at all.”

“A lot of things changed, you know, after you left,” Jinyoung said, a tinge of gravity lowering his voice.

“Are you mad at me for not keeping contact?” Jungkook asked with a playful sneer.

“A little.” Jinyoung shrugged.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Jungkook shifted his gaze to the server, who just arrived and brought them their drinks. “Thank you.” He propped his elbow on the table. “I’m glad, though. You’re all here.” He beamed as he raised his glass. “To the old times.”

They clinked their glasses together and cheered before sipping their drinks.

“You didn’t notice someone is missing?” Daehwi asked.

“Did you really forget about me, Jungkook-ah?”

The said boy whipped his head back at the familiar, evocative voice. “Sungwoon-ah...”

Sungwoon stood in front of him, observing his stock-still state. “What, you won’t greet me?”

Jungkook jolted out of his reverie and rose to his feet. “Of course,” he uttered as he curled his arm around him. “How have you been?”

“Good, I guess.” Sungwoon patted his back and squeezed him. “How about you?”

They mutually pulled back and gazed at each other. Jungkook could identify such tenderness in his eyes it stunned him, stole his words, blanked his mind. And suddenly, looking at him felt too much. He ducked his head and sank down into his seat. “Good, I’ve been good, too.”

Sungwoon sat in the empty chair beside him, and they began bantering about all the things that had happened since the last time they saw each other. They enjoyed their beers, reminiscing about the old times, too.

The memories Jungkook had with them held a sweet spot in his heart. And as he chatted and drank and laughed with them, he felt happy for a moment, without worries, without thoughts that suffocated him, without a care for this messed up world.

“How did you end up here? Aren’t you supposed to have classes?” Sungwoon asked.

“Yes, but some things happened and... I guess I just needed time to rethink my life decisions? I don’t know.” Jungkook shrugged, then gulped down his third beer.

“Well, Jisung has a boyfriend now.” Jaehwan smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Jungkook gasped at the news. “No!”

“Why so surprised, assface?” Jisung grabbed a handful of nuts and flung them at him.

Jungkook ducked just in time to dodge them and erupted into chuckles. “I’m messing with you. Who is he?” His smile drained away from his face little by little as he observed Jisung locking eyes with Jaehwan. Then both turned to look at him with little smiles decorating their faces, and a gasp flew out of him. “No...”

“Yes,” Jisung grinned.

“Guys, I’m so happy for you!” Jungkook cooed as he clapped his hands in tiny.

“We are too,” Jaehwan said, gazing at his beautiful boyfriend.

“What about you, Kook? Anyone in your life who’s interesting?” Woojin asked.

Jungkook’s smile lost all its vibrancy at Taehyung’s remembrance. His remorse about his actions still burned under his skin, as if it would melt him at any moment. That was why he had blocked his image from his mind. It pained him too much to think about him. “Actually, there is,” he uttered.

“What are you waiting for? Spill,” Jinyoung said, eagerness gleaming in his eyes.

“I’ll be back.” Sungwoon pushed himself off his seat and strode towards the exit without looking back.

“Don’t mind him,” Woojin said. “He’s a little sensitive. He broke up recently.

“But the point is why he broke up,” Jaehwan slurred, as all the drinks he had started to affect his lucidity.

“Shut up, Jaehwan.” Daehwi shot him a warning glare.

“Why, what’s going on?” Jungkook asked with a notion of hesitation.

“It’s not really our place to say anything. Let it go, Kook,” Daehwi said.

They carried on chatting about various things, but Jungkook couldn’t drive from his mind what Daehwi had said. As he realized Sungwoon was gone for a while now, he sneaked away, telling them he wanted to get some air.

Jungkook glanced left and right once outside and spotted the boy sitting on a nearby bench. Their eyes met as he approached him enough, but they remained silent. Jungkook joined him on the bench and redirected his view to the dark sky. It was dreary and cloudy, something that prevented him from observing the stars. With a faint sigh, he leveled out his head to look at him, only to realize Sungwoon was already staring at him.

“So you have a boyfriend.”

“Yes.”

Sungwoon nodded his head slowly. “I’m glad.”

Jungkook snorted. “You know your face could never keep a secret from me, although your words did many times.”

The solemnity that had engulfed Sungwoon’s traits mellowed with the smile that popped out. “Okay, maybe it’s not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I’m happy if you’re happy.” He allowed a brief silence to reign over them as he glanced away for the first time. “Why are you really here, Jungkook?”

A ruthless tension grasped Jungkook at the sadly spoken question. Why was he there? Why was he talking with Sungwoon, and why wasn’t he trying to make up with Taehyung? He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. “You know life... It’s so messed up.” He chose his words carefully, hoping the other would drop it.

Sungwoon, though, zeroed in his regard on him again, analyzing him. He sat in such a defeated stance, with his head curved over his slumped shoulders, and his hands loosely held together. “You’re sad.” His hand ventured closer to him, and he set a knuckle under his chin to raise his head, turning it slowly towards him. “Are you in your dark place again?”

Sungwoon’s voice was flavored with such delicacy it brought tears to Jungkook’s eyes. Jungkook was never optimistic. He had worries and messed up thoughts from a young age, but he was good at hiding it. Only Sungwoon could figure him out in an instant. Whenever he was like this, he would ask him this question. Not that he wanted an answer. He knew the answer. It was a way Sungwoon had to show him that he knew, that he understood, and that he wasn’t alone.

“In the darkest I’ve ever been,” Jungkook admitted in a whisper.

“I can tell.” Sungwoon retracted his hand, letting it fall to his side. “Did you guys fight?”

“Yes. But if you ask me why, I really have no idea. It wasn’t supposed to be a fight. It wasn’t supposed to end like that.” Jungkook’s guilty and bitterness crushed him again. He could only blame himself for what happened, and he didn't know how to even start fixing it.

“And you blame yourself,” Sungwoon said, as if he could read his thoughts. “That’s what you always do, Kook.”

“I really messed up this time. He just asked me to open up, and I didn’t know how.”

Sungwoon’s brows twitched and stood in two high bows of reproach at his choice of words. “You know how to open up to people. You just don’t want to do it.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to open up to him? That doesn’t make sense.”

“You should think about that. But to save you the trouble, this always has something to do with fear. So what are you so afraid of?”

Jungkook didn’t have to dive deep into his head to find an answer. He knew the answer, and just the thought of it terrified him like nothing else.

“Do you remember how we always met new people in seminars and in classes? You never kept contact with any of them. Because you didn’t care about opening up, and they didn’t care about making you. So you just got used to it and you were okay with it. And it’s okay, Jungkook. But from what I understand, this person is actually trying to make you open up and you don’t let him. Because you’re afraid that he—”

“Stop,” Jungkook whispered, screwing his eyes shut.

“You’re right. You should say it yourself, and maybe then, you’ll be able to overcome that pathetic idea you have for yourself,” Sungwoon spat out, his frustration buzzing in his voice. He cocked his head to the side as he noticed how fast Jungkook swung his eyes to him. “What are you looking at? Am I wrong?”

“No need to be so mean,” Jungkook mumbled, dragging his head down again.

The firmness in Sungwoon’s face softened at once. “After all these years, you still treat yourself badly, and you know—”

“It makes you mad, I know.”

A mild smile pulled on the tips of Sungwoon’s lips as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He pressed his hips on the side of his head in a soothing kiss, then drew back. “You’re worth more than you think, and whoever can't see that doesn’t deserve to be in your life. Does this guy know it?”

Jungkook’s eyes glittered with fondness as all the things Taehyung had done for him paraded across his mind, warming his heart. “He does.”

“Then don’t push him away.” Sungwoon ruffled his hair, stirring a giggle out of him. “Unless you changed your mind and want to be with me.”

Although Jungkook could discern the playfulness in his voice, he stiffened a notch, glancing away. “Sungwoon-ah...”

“Just joking,” he chuckled.

“Why did you break up?”

Any trace of mirth died out of Sungwoon’s face. “What? How did you—”

“They blabbed when you weren’t there.”

Sungwoon’s chest dropped with a sonorous sigh. “I hate them...”

“So why did you?”

Sungwoon held on to his silence for a beat. “I don’t want it, but I still think about you sometimes. Things were getting a little too serious for him, and we weren’t on the same page. I felt like I was playing him, so I let him go. The question is, why can’t I let you go too?”

The saddest of smiles clung to Jungkook’s lips as he viewed him with the same element in his eyes. “Maybe you’re too caught up in the idea of how we were before. We’re not the same anymore, Sungwoon-ah. And maybe you’re still caught up in the what-if. If you’re willing to let that go, you’ll be able to let me go, too. And you’ll finally be happy too. I really want you to be happy.”

“I want you to be happy, too.” Sungwoon pulled him into another warm hug, which Jungkook accepted smilingly.

They returned to their friends after their warm embrace. Maybe things weren’t like before between them, but after their talk, they realized they still knew each other well, and honestly, both missed hanging out.

⚜✳⚜