The first week felt as if it crawled by so excruciatingly for the newcomers, but for Jungkook was even harder. You’re not good enough to be here. These words remained engraved in his head, burdening his heart and squeezing it achingly. He didn’t tell anyone about what Eunhyuk had said, although the others asked him multiple times what happened.

Jungkook changed. He felt like a tidal wave of sorrow and misery poured through his insides and kept raging more and more every day. But he always told the others he was okay.

He wasn’t staying until late to practice. When his classes were over, he went to a small cafeteria beside the company. He drank a cup of coffee alone while he listened to his favorite depressing songs. He was lost in thoughts every single day. Eunhyuk continued to be harsh on him, but he grew so used to it he barely cared anymore.

There wasn’t anything he could say to make him feel worse since Jungkook was already plunged into the deepest part of his wretchedness.

Taehyung didn’t approach him at all. It was as if they were strangers again. He ate his lunch with Youngjae every day, and he was with him almost all day long.

Jungkook felt alone. Although he had friends to talk to. Although he was every day with people around him. He felt the most alone then.

🥀

It only had been a week, and Jungkook truly hated the idea of going to the company. He remembered how excited he was on his first day as he got ready. Then, that rush of eagerness could preponderate everything; his tiredness, the lack of sleep, the morning walk without having his coffee first. But now everything irritated him. And he loathed every single thing — even just waking up in the morning.

His steps were heavy as he headed to the company. Although he didn’t want to go, he didn’t like being late. And if he were late, that would only give Eunhyuk one more reason to scold him.

Upon entering the classroom, his body clenched at the sight of Eunhyuk sitting at his desk. He glanced at the time, and he strove to smother his gasp of surprise. I came... fifty minutes earlier? How the hell did that happen?

Eunhyuk observed his unmoving state, then leaned back into his seat. “Why are you here so early?”

“I don’t know,” Jungkook uttered with a sigh. Instead of waiting for an answer that he knew he wouldn’t get, he put on his earphones and started warming up. Little by little, the classroom filled with people, and he greeted his friends with a forced smile once they walked inside.

Jaebum scuttled towards him and crushed him into his embrace. “Hey.”

“Good morning.” Jungkook, although a bit taken aback by the tight hug, wrapped his arms around him as well.

“You didn’t want to go anywhere the past week. Do you feel like going out today?” Jaebum pulled back and cupped his cheek, smiling.

“Today we finish our classes late. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Come on, that’s just an excuse,” Jaebum chuckled. “You should talk to someone, Jungkook. Not to me if you don’t want to, but to someone at least...”

“I’m fine, Jaebum-ah,” he reassured, but the other didn’t seem to believe him.

“Good morning, everyone.” Eunhyuk’s voice echoed in the classroom, stopping all the whispers. He called their names as usual and then the class started. “Jungkook. Come to the front and show us what we did in our last class.”

Jungkook gulped, his heartbeat suddenly skyrocketing. His legs trembled as he trudged through the crowd and stood in front of them. The sound of the music that blasted through the room was like a shot of adrenaline that made him forget about anything else. He moved to the rhythm right away, executing the choreography as well as he could.

At his ending pose, the other trainees applauded and cheered for him so loudly it amazed him. He broke into a smile as he panted, then set his eyes on Eunhyuk. He wore an expression Jungkook couldn’t decipher in the slightest.

“Good,” Eunhyuk said. “It was a little lacking, but it was good.”

Jungkook lowered his head and dragged his feet to the back of the room again. He wasn’t satisfied, even though the others cheered for him. Good. I don’t want to be good, he thought. I want to be great.

. . .

“You were awesome today!” Jimin engulfed him in his hug.

“Didn’t you hear? It was lacking,” Jungkook imitated Eunhyuk’s voice, making the others burst into laughter.

“Oh my God, you sound exactly like him,” Seokjin said through his chuckles. They did a group hug, and Jungkook for the first time in a week showed his most genuine smile.

After their second class, they finally had some time to eat properly and rest. Jungkook was the first one as always to go to the cafeteria, and once he placed some food on his tray, he sat at an empty table and started eating.

Taehyung appeared in his vision a while later, and it surprised him that he wasn’t with Youngjae. How come? He thought as he watched him and the others get their food. He ate a few more bites of his jjajangmyeon and focused his gaze ahead. The food he was currently chewing almost caused him to choke as he saw Taehyung sit at his table for the first time.

“Yah. Are you okay?” Jimin asked as he patted his back to alleviate his coughing.

Jungkook gulped down his water and cleared his throat. “Um, yeah.”

“Isn’t it nice that Taehyung is sitting here today?” Jimin grinned as he stared at Taehyung.

“Sure,” Jungkook murmured, keeping his eyes trained on his food.

“Are you guys not talking to each other again?” Seokjin asked.

“He’s too busy with his boyfriend,” Jungkook sneered.

“And he’s too busy pushing people away,” Taehyung answered in the same way, earning a glare from him.

“Wow, a lot of negative energy right here. Please shut up both of you,” Yoongi said.

“They should talk about it, not shut up, Yoon,” Jimin scolded, and the other mumbled a ‘whatever’ as a response.

“I really don’t want to talk,” Jungkook said and continued to eat.

“Same,” Taehyung said, copying his moves.

The others exchanged worried looks, but eventually, they let it go and changed the subject.

Jungkook finished his meal soon, since he started eating before them, and rose to his feet. “I have to practice my choreo.” He took his tray and bundled off without waiting for an answer.

“I will leave too,” Taehyung said seconds later and stood up.

“Wait, what happened with Youngjae?” Yoongi asked.

“Nothing. I just didn’t feel like seeing him today.” He shrugged and shuffled off. On his way to the yard, he remembered he forgot his sweater in the classroom and hurried to go back. He frowned upon stepping into the room since he found it empty. Jungkook isn’t here... He discarded his thoughts with a sigh and wore his sweater.

He went outside again and searched for a quiet place to sit, but there were people everywhere. He sauntered some more and took a right turn that led him to the back of the building. He halted as he spotted a steel staircase and looked upwards. Rooftop? Curiosity overran him, and he went up the stairs, which indeed led to the rooftop.

He scanned the place with a sense of awe; it had a wooden bench in the middle with two flowerpots on each side and a view of the city like no other. He also didn’t fail to notice that Jungkook was sitting on the bench in his usual droopy stance. “You’re not practicing.”

“God, you scared the crap out of me,” Jungkook spat out as he threw a hand over his racing heart. “How did you find this place?”

“How did you?” Taehyung drew closer and sat next to him. They settled in silence as they simply viewed the scenery before their eyes. It was rather... comforting to be there for both. Was it the place? Or the company? They had no answer to that.

Taehyung’s phone buzzing in his pocket pulled a sigh out of him. He checked the name and stuffed it back into his pocket.

“Youngjae?” Jungkook questioned.

“Yeah.”

“What happened between you two?”

“Nothing. I just don’t want to spend time with him.”

“Why?”

“I’m not here to talk about that, Jungkook.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I just needed a quiet place.”

A longer quietness followed this time, that had an undercurrent of bitterness. It felt like both had a whirl of things they wanted to say, but they couldn’t bring themselves to utter a single one of them.

“Tell me something you’re thinking about these days. Something you haven’t told anyone else.” Taehyung’s muted voice traveled with a heaviness that reeled in Jungkook’s full attention.

“I don’t want to make you depressed too,” he said, a sad smile embellishing his traits. A single glimpse of him was enough to realize Taehyung was waiting for an answer, and he sighed softly. “Okay. I want to ask you something. But before that, I want you to do something.”

“Sure.” Taehyung sat sideways on the bench, facing him.

“I want you to think about all the moments you failed.”

“Not what I had in mind, but okay.”

Jungkook snorted at his words. “I want you to think about the moments you tried and tried, but still didn’t make it. When people around you were succeeding and moving forward, but you were stuck in the same place. When you felt miserable. When you felt the unfairness choke you to the point you couldn’t breathe. When you felt completely disappointed in yourself. When you felt that you can’t do anything right. When you felt incapable of doing anything. When you didn’t know what was right for you. When you didn’t even know what to do. Fight or let go? Try harder or give up? Push through the pain or let it consume you?”

“That’s a lot of things to think about,” Taehyung sighed as he glanced down. He reflected on his words silently, chewing on his lower lip.

Jungkook gave him time to think as he gazed ahead, fiddling with his hands. “Did you think about it?”

“Yes.”

“Was there a moment in your life when you felt that way?”

“Many.”

“That’s what I thought. So let me ask you a question.” Jungkook inhaled a quivery breath and blew out at a dragging pace. “How will you accept that you are not good enough for the one thing you love to do the most? I mean, you’re good, but mediocre. Not bad, but just not good enough. How can you accept that? Can you live like that? Can you say never mind? Can you say it’s okay? And even if you can say it’s okay, is it really? Is it ever going to be okay to live a life like that?”

He felt a tingling around his nose and his eyes stung with tears right away as he voiced out his hidden thoughts. “Let’s say you can fight. You can try harder. You can push through the pain. For how long? How can you know it’s the right decision? To push yourself to endure this kind of pain knowing you’re just not good enough? But I guess the real question is, can you live like that? Can you live knowing you’re just mediocre in the one thing you love to do? Do you have the strength to continue doing that one thing even if you’re not proud of yourself? And even if you have the strength, will you ever be happy?”

No answer dangled on the tip of Taehyung’s tongue as usual. He gave himself time to let everything Jungkook said sink in, but he still couldn’t conceive of an answer. He only felt an unbearable weight press down on his chest.

“It scares me to death that I have to live like that. And I don’t know what to do about it.” Jungkook’s voice was small and fragile, and it rang with a tremble he couldn’t constrain as he uttered these words. These words that scared him the most.

“Do you have an answer to your question?”

“No. Whatever you do, you won’t be the best at something, right? Because someone else already is. You will always feel a little jealous of that someone. So what can you do?”

“I guess the answer is that you have to accept it. You don’t have to be the best. You can just be you. And find happiness in little things. Like you said before, remember?” Taehyung bumped his shoulder, evoking a muted laugh from him.

“I say a lot of stupid things. Don’t listen to me.”

“You don’t say stupid things, Kook. You see things as they are. That’s the sad truth, right? That you can’t be the best at something. But the real challenge is against yourself, not someone else. The real challenge is to be better today than you were yesterday. That’s all that matters.”

“I didn’t think about it that way.”

“Because you only see the bad side of it. There’s more to life than that. But we tend to focus on the negative things more.”

The surge of sorrow that had consumed Jungkook and foreboded an outpouring of tears seemed to mitigate at Taehyung’s responses. He raised his eyes to him, mesmerized. “What happened to you?”

Taehyung chuckled at his rather cute look. “I don’t know.”

They stayed still, looking into each other’s eyes, as delicate smiles decorated their faces. The older felt that need again to brush his hair back, but no matter how much he craved to do it, he didn’t. “We should go back,” he said instead and headed off without waiting for an answer.

⚜✳⚜