The next few days crawled by quietly.

BamBam’s father came to the company to talk with Eunhyuk, and thankfully, the businessman scolded his son once he found out the whole story. The matter was resolved with BamBam getting one day expulsion instead of two.

On Wednesday, Taehyung insisted on going with the younger to his appointment. After a long debate, with Jungkook telling him multiple times he shouldn’t feel obligated to go with him, Taehyung managed to shut him up with lots of kisses and some tickling.

So they went together, and it was a good thing that Taehyung pestered him to let him because Jungkook couldn’t walk properly after the injection. He helped him get to his apartment and stayed with him the night in case he needed anything.

Jungkook was truly thankful he had someone like Taehyung in his life. It felt like a moment of peace inside the chaos. Like he could stop for a moment and catch his breath in this shitty life. He was growing fond of the other more and more every day.

Jungkook was forced to sit and watch the dance classes for a few days, and that gruesome feeling that consumed him tortured him. He didn’t want to sit out — he didn’t want to just watch. He needed to dance. It was so unfair something like that happened to him. He had this constant, drilling pain for years. Even though sometimes it was bearable, most of the time it drove him crazy. If this treatment didn’t work, he really didn’t know what the hell he would do.

Taehyung was there for him at all times, just like his friends. Jungkook was never alone; they made sure he had the support he needed. But it was strange how alone Jungkook felt. Maybe because no one could really understand what he was going through. A chronic, constant pain that didn’t allow him to enjoy what he loved to do the most. No one could understand it if they didn’t experience it.

But still, Taehyung tried his best to make him smile every day. He stayed over at Jungkook’s apartment every night that week. It wasn’t even a question, really. After their classes, they naturally strolled towards Jungkook’s apartment with no discussion about it.

Every time he made Jungkook smile or laugh, a torrent of warmth swamped Taehyung. There wasn’t even a slight doubt. He had completely fallen for the younger. Although everything happened so fast, and it was still early, he felt so close to him and so blissful when they were together. And at some point, he remembered Jungkook’s words. “When you feel it, you’ll know.”

He also remembered Jungkook telling him about that conversation he had with Seokjin and Jimin about love and falling for someone. What Taehyung felt about him... Was it love? Or was it just the ‘falling for him’ part? It was too soon to call it love, right? He felt lost about this and worked up his courage many times to talk to Jungkook about it, but he couldn’t do it in the end.

Jungkook started dancing the next week, and a bone-crushing despair toppled over him at the familiar shocks of pain he felt in his leg. There wasn’t much difference. His pain was just slightly better.

Eunhyuk caught him with tears in his eyes after his first class and pulled him to the side. He reminded him it was normal to still feel pain and that he could do another injection after a month. “The pain won’t disappear completely, Jungkook. You have to accept it,” were his exact words before leaving Jungkook with his tears pouring down his cheeks.

It was indeed so unfair that he had to go through this. This pain was draining him slowly, constantly. But he still had to put a smile on his face for the sake of his friends, and mostly, for Taehyung, who was there for him whenever he needed him.

Harrowing thoughts that he could never have a normal life haunted him. Would he ever be happy while doing what he loved the most? It was another question he asked himself often. Was it worth the pain? Was it worth the exhaustion physically and mentally? He was still unsure about that.

And the worst part was that there wasn’t a way to find out. The only way was to endure it and see for himself. Nobody could give him an answer to this. This tortured him so much he cried himself to sleep with Taehyung holding him in his arms. Taehyung wasn’t aware of his crying state, and Jungkook hoped he would never have to know.

Taehyung made him the happiest and his hug was the most soothing, but every time he thought about his life, his heart sobbed in despondency. He hid his emotions all day long, and when he finally lay down with Taehyung’s arms wrapped around him, he felt so warm, so safe — safe enough to shed the tears he was fighting against during his classes.

The two dance teachers gave them an assignment that Monday about the choreography they created. They had to write a maximum of one page about it. It could be whatever they wanted, relevant or irrelevant to their choreography — it didn’t matter. The only thing they asked was to write something real. Something a little personal. And also to come up with a title.

🥀

As Friday came around, the trainees had to turn in their assignments. Taehyung wanted to read Jungkook’s, but he didn’t let him. He said he wrote about the first thing that came to his mind and that it was stupid, knowing he would never read it.

Because the truth was, that assignment contained all of his wrenching feelings.

Everyone placed their assignment on the desk before moving further into the classroom.

“I’m so happy you took this seriously,” Jihoon said, excitement leaking out of his voice. “It’s good for a performer to express what he’s feeling through words, too. We use our body every day to express ourselves and sometimes we forget that there are other ways too.”

As a few of them nodded, Jihoon’s eyes sparkled with the idea that popped up into his mind. “I think it would be a great idea to read them!”

The blood in Jungkook’s veins glaciated as a rising panic threatened to smother him. He dreaded to even think about reading what he wrote in front of everyone and especially Taehyung and his friends, since he claimed countless times he was okay. And what was written on that piece of paper... It definitely wasn’t something a person who claimed to be okay would write.

“Are you okay with that?” Jihoon asked, grinning.

Many nodded, others didn’t seem to care that much, and Jungkook was the only one who wanted to vanish from the earth.

Jungkook processed his options fast. He could walk right at Jihoon and ask him to not read his. But if everyone would read their assignments, it would seem weird. Not to mention that Taehyung would definitely figure out something was wrong.

He could just take off. But that would instigate even more reactions than his previous thought. He shrank in his seat, bringing his knees close to his chest, and clutched them as he dropped his head. He couldn’t do anything to save himself. The only thing he could do was to finally stop lying to everyone.

The trainees began reading their assignments; some of them were truly touching while others didn’t make much sense. But everything they wrote was beautiful.

And just like that, it was Jungkook’s turn. When he heard his name, his heart lunged into turbulence. His body froze by his terror, but he knew there was no getting out of this. He gulped as he heaved himself to his feet. He slouched towards the desk to take his assignment. His chin stayed close to his chest as he turned to face the trainees, his already wet eyes staring at the paper in his tremoring hand.

“Loop,” Jungkook started with a fragile voice; it was the title he chose for his assignment. “As I was trying to take a step forward, I ended up back again. Inside the loop I was caught up in, every day was the same. Indifferent, was a suitable word to describe every day that passed. I did what I had to do. I went where I had to go. I talked when I had to talk. But I wasn’t feeling what was happening. With doubts about what I’m doing with my life, I tried to take that step, but I ended up in the same loop again. Every day I was back at the beginning. Every day passed by, and I was “living” it automatically, out of habit. I wanted to get out, even for a moment. I wanted to live differently. But how could I do that if I didn’t know how I wanted to live? And again, with doubts about what I’m doing with my life, I tried to take a step, but everything turned backwards again. Everything I had done was canceled, and I was back at the beginning. Okay, never mind, I thought. Maybe I’ll get used to it sometime."

The air in the room was jumpy and taut, with a stifling silence fueling it as Jungkook paused. Taehyung’s smile, created by his eagerness to finally hear what the younger had written, fizzled into pure agony at the first words he had released with his shaky voice. A bruising grip squeezed Taehyung’s heart that even blurred his vision by its cruelty, his throat constricting more and more by the minute.

“As I was trying to accept the situation, I caught myself somewhat smiling. For a moment, I felt comfortable while doing what I love. For a moment, I felt that I belong there. For a moment, I felt the loop get smaller. For a moment, I was able to take a breath. For a moment I indeed laughed, and for a moment I indeed was happy. Apparently, I took that step without even realizing how. I saw things from another perspective. I started including the ‘I want’ to ‘I have to’. I stopped thinking about how I’m living, and I just lived. Maybe because I stopped fighting the situation and started accepting it. Maybe that was when I took that step without realizing it. And maybe that’s why I caught myself smiling. But all these things lasted for a moment. A moment I wanted to keep, but I didn’t know how to. Wait, how is it possible to be back at the beginning again?”

Jungkook exerted himself to preserve a structure facade as he read, and he succeeded. His voice, though, trembled here and there, as if he would break down at any moment. He didn’t, no matter how much he wanted to. No matter how much he wished he could just curl up into a ball and cry his eyes out.

“As I was trying to keep that moment, I lost me. Everything started happening automatically again. Every day started passing by indifferently. No matter how many steps I made, they were meaningless. No matter how many steps I made, they didn’t get me anywhere. Did I want to try again? No. I continued living as I should. Maybe I did some of the things I wanted, too. I didn’t know the meaning. I just let every day pass. I said again it was okay. I said again I would get used to it. And truly, I got so used to it I loathed it. Maybe everything was only in my mind. Maybe I was just thinking about it more than I should. But I really didn’t know where I belonged. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I ended up at where I am today. Trapped inside a loop. This loop is my life. And maybe I don’t want it anymore.”

Jungkook remained at a standstill, with his muscles locked in wretchedness. The heaviness of the atmosphere intensified so much he could feel it weigh down upon his existence excruciatingly.

Jihoon spectated, mute and throughout stunned, as Jungkook placed his assignment back on the desk. When the other trainees finished reading, he usually smiled and commented shortly on what they wrote. But he couldn’t utter a single word when it came to Jungkook. The only thing he could do was stare at him in a daze.

The silence carried on as Jungkook returned to his seat until Eunhyuk nudged Jihoon’s shoulder. “Jihoon-ah.”

Jihoon glanced around and cleared his throat. “Okay, um... Let’s continue.”

Jungkook, clutching his knees, sensed a smidgen of relief that Jihoon didn’t question him about his assignment. He was sitting next to Taehyung and he could feel his eyes bore holes into his defeated form, but he didn’t have a grain of courage to even peek at him. He had been lying to him for the past week, telling him everything was fine, telling him he was okay.

Nothing was okay. And Taehyung now knew it.

The need to shatter the wall of his self-control and cry his heart out drowned Jungkook. But he couldn’t do it in front of everyone. He couldn’t do it in front of Taehyung.

When he sensed a familiar delicate palm on his back, though, brushing patterns of comfort, that wall collapsed against his will, and his face screwed into a pained frown as the tears lurking in his eyes multiplied so much they tumbled down his cheeks. Jungkook pressed his forehead on Taehyung’s shoulder, endeavoring to silence his sobs.

Taehyung’s heart ached for him. He could only lace a secure arm around his waist, letting him know he was there for him.

“I c-can’t—b-breathe,” Jungkook whispered between choked breaths.

With a panic he had never experienced before, Taehyung raised his hand, desperate eyes locked on Jihoon. He made him a sigh once the teacher met his gaze, asking if they could go out. Jihoon nodded at once.

Taehyung helped him rise to his feet and guided him out of the classroom. He could hear Jungkook’s sobs become louder the moment they stepped outside, and he led him to the first door he found. He perceived it was a storage room and ushered him inside.

Jungkook slid down the wall, gasping sobs now flying out of his mouth, as he grasped his knees. The sorrow rocked inside him so hard it caused his whole body to quake. Everything felt too much, and the tears refused to stop.

Taehyung crumpled to his knees and muffled him into his embrace. He cradled him soothingly, shushing him, rocking him as if he was a baby. He let him pour everything he was feeling out without questioning him about anything. “Breathe for me, Kookie,” was all he said as he rubbed caress after caress on his back.

The words rang so distorted to Jungkook’s ears they tarried to register his mind. He did as he was told, inhaling slow, steady drags of air and blowing out at the same dragging rhythm.

Jungkook believed Taehyung would be furious at him for lying and hiding his true feelings. He thought he would ignore him or even push him away. But Taehyung comforted him instead, cradled him as he cried, cherished him still. He realized. Taehyung was too precious. And Jungkook was stupid for keeping everything that tortured him to himself.

“It’s okay,” Taehyung whispered, as if he had heard his thoughts. “I’m here for you for as long as you need me. But please breathe for me. Can you do that?” He untucked Jungkook’s head, though he noticed he refused to open his eyes. Taehyung brushed the wetness from his cheeks with tender knuckles and drew the lightest of kisses on his closed eyes.

Jungkook’s sobs found palliation at the loving ministrations. At the next round of utterly soft kisses he painted on his forehead, Jungkook let his eyes open. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for crying, Kookie. It’s okay.”

“No, not for that.” Jungkook dragged his gaze away when he perceived Taehyung looked at him. “I lied to you.”

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Taehyung bathed him in more pacifying kisses, still clasping him. “We don’t have to talk about that now. It’s not important. Just tell me what you need right now.”

Jungkook wiped his messy face with his sleeve. “Kiss me.”

Taehyung rubbed his cheeks with his thumbs, then erased the space between them, joining their lips in a kiss consisted of delicacy and desperation all at the same time. It wasn’t one of the kisses they had shared before. Their mouths slid fiercely together, as if they were pouring all their anguish and need for each other into it.

Jungkook felt sorry about his actions, and Taehyung blamed himself for not realizing sooner he wasn’t okay. They wanted to make everything disappear with this kiss, tell each other it was okay.

They broke apart simultaneously and rested their foreheads together, trying to catch their breath. Taehyung tangled their hands as a faint smile ghosted over his lips. “Are you feeling better?”

“Kind of,” Jungkook whispered, keeping his eyes closed.

Taehyung pulled away slightly to observe him. “Kookie. Why won’t you look at me?”

Jungkook’s answer was another kiss, a bit rougher around the edges this time. He tugged him closer, as if wanting to merge their bodies entirely so he could feel his warmth forever. A few moments of savoring this kiss later, Jungkook rested his chin on his shoulder. “I wanna go home.”

“Let’s go find Jihoon and tell him that, hmm? How does that sound?”

“He won’t let me.”

“We have every right to leave if we want.”

“We?”

Taehyung embraced his cheeks, gazing at him, even though Jungkook still refused to look at him. “You really thought I would leave you alone?” He carved a mild kiss on his forehead and heaved him to his feet. “Let’s go.”

They trudged towards the classroom, and Taehyung told him to wait outside so he could call Jihoon.

Soon Taehyung returned with Jihoon trailing behind him, and the teacher inspected Jungkook with a hint of worry. “Jungkook, are you okay?”

“Not really...”

“Is it okay if Jungkook goes home? And you know... I go with him?” Taehyung asked.

“If Jungkook feels the need to leave, he can, but you, too?”

“Just this once, Mr. Jung. Please. He shouldn’t be alone.”

Jihoon stared Taehyung down, then sighed. “Just this once.”

“Thank you.”

“Jungkook, whatever you need, you know where to find me.”

“I know.” Jungkook gave him a smile that didn’t really reach his eyes.

“I’ll take our stuff from the classroom, and I’ll come back,” Taehyung said and went back inside with Jihoon. He said a quiet, “It’s okay, I got him,” to his five friends, who were plunged into worry about him before taking their bags and returning to the younger.

They also stopped by the changing room to take their jackets and lock their lockers. “Are you ready?” Taehyung asked, smiling.

“Yes.” Jungkook was still unable to look at him properly. His remorse strangled him, and he couldn’t banish it.

Taehyung, of course, noticed, but he didn’t comment on it. They headed towards Jungkook’s apartment in complete silence, but it wasn’t awkward — it was that familiar, soothing silence they enjoyed as they sauntered together, their hands brushing against each other gently.

They entered the apartment and left their bags beside the door, then shed their jackets.

“You want coffee or anything?” Jungkook asked.

“I want a lot of things.” There was a gravity in Taehyung’s voice he couldn’t control.

“Tae...”

“Coffee is good,” Taehyung said as he sat on the couch, his head curved forward.

Jungkook spent a while making their coffee and soon went back to the living with two cups in his hands. “Here,” he uttered, placing his coffee in front of him.

“Thank you.”

Jungkook slipped into a cesspool of overthinking at the heavy silence that ensued. He couldn’t imagine what Taehyung could be thinking as he sipped his coffee with that blank expression veiling his traits. Why he was so calm and caring even after he found out he was pretending to be okay this whole time. He couldn’t understand anything.

“So you’re saying you don’t want your life anymore?”

Jungkook’s whole body stiffened upon hearing these coldly spoken words. The truth was yes. He didn’t want to live like this. He didn’t want to be in pain anymore. But he was too terrified to admit it, and mostly to Taehyung.

“I just don’t want to be in pain anymore,” Jungkook admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.

“That’s not what you wrote, Jungkook,” Taehyung said, a snarl thickening his tone. “I just don’t understand. You’re in so much pain and I can’t even help you? What the hell am I then?”

“You’re probably the only reason I’m not insane right now. Do you ever wonder how your life would have been if that one thing didn’t happen? I think about it every day. If I didn’t have this injury, I would have been able to enjoy doing what I love. But I do have it. And if I hadn’t met you back then, I don’t think I would still be here now. I would have given up from the first week. But you exist in my life and I don’t want to let you down. You’re keeping me sane enough from the thoughts that haunt me every day.” A burning wetness formed in Jungkook’s eyes and spilled over at the next words that flitted all through his head.

“Because when it gets to the point you’re crying yourself to sleep, where you feel so frustrated with your life, where you feel so miserable you don’t even know what to do — when it gets to the point you’re thinking about disappearing, where you’re looking down from a bridge and thinking about falling, then it’s not okay, Taehyung. It’s not okay.”

The words slammed against Taehyung’s form in the most ferocious of ways, slashing his heart in half and bringing tears to his eyes. Seeing his sob again and listening to his harrowing thoughts terrified him, shattered him, ravaged him.

Jungkook struggled to calm himself down enough to speak. “But being with you, kissing you, touching you, sleeping with you, every single moment we share is so precious to me. Maybe I have messed up thoughts, but you’re the only one who can silence them, even for a moment. I know I said I’ll try opening up and start talking to you, but I can’t change overnight, Tae. I’ve always been like this and it’s not so easy to change. But please, don’t give up on me. I’ll try harder, I promise.” The desperation that surged through Jungkook’s being slipped through the crevices of his voice, making it so quaky and wrecked. “I really feel awful for keeping everything to myself. That’s why I can’t look at you. I don’t understand why it hurts so much.”

The dampness in Taehyung’s eyes trickled down over his contracted face. He lunged to smother him in his embrace, grasping him with one arm and caressing his back with the other. It seemed like Taehyung needed that hug more than the younger.

Both mellowed in the comfort that overtook them, and they leaned back, lying on the couch while facing each other. They maintained their eyes closed, simply relishing the closeness. Their tears dried on their cheeks, and their breathing synced. Without realizing, they drifted off to sleep while holding each other so desperately.

. . .

A fond smile budded on Taehyung’s lips as soon as he took in the sight of a sleeping Jungkook in his arms. No matter how many times he encountered, he could never get bored of it.

He toyed with his hair in the gentlest of movements, drawing feathery kisses on his head here and there.

Jungkook woke up a while later with the feel of Taehyung brushing his hair, but he didn’t open his eyes. He lay there, savoring his delicate touches and kisses, although he struggled not to smile in fondness. A little sigh was heard from Taehyung as he drew another kiss on his head, but he didn’t think much about it.

At the next sigh that rang in his ears, Jungkook’s lips drooped. He couldn’t help but think that maybe Taehyung was uncomfortable, or maybe he just wanted to get up. But why would he kiss him then and play with his hair? He was so immersed in his thoughts he didn’t fathom what Taehyung said.

It sounded like a murmur to him, and as much as he tried, he couldn’t form it into actual words. His curiosity won over his enjoyment of Taehyung’s kisses and caresses. “What?”

Every movement halted at his hoarse voice. “Oh, you’re awake?”

The younger rubbed his sleepy face and fixed his gaze on him. It was the first time Jungkook preserved eye contact for more than a second after reading his assignment, and he knew it. He was afraid he would see hurt and disappointment in his eyes, but he only found softness.

“Did you say something?” Taehyung asked in a gentle tune, since he hadn’t heard him before.

“I asked what.”

“What what?”

“You said something. All I heard was a murmur.”

“You weren’t sleeping?”

“I woke up like five minutes ago. And I also heard you sighing, so if you’re uncomfortable you can get up.”

Taehyung tightened his hold around once he sensed him creep away. “No, stay. I mean, if you want.”

“It’s nice and warm,” Jungkook uttered and snuggled closer to him, an inkling of a smile decorating his lips.

Taehyung chuckled fondly at his cuteness, as he tampered with his hair again, twirling a few strands around his fingers. Thank God he forgot—

“So, what did you say before?”

A muted sigh rolled off him. “I was thinking stuff, and it slipped my mouth. Don’t dwell on it. I said... why don’t you trust me?”

“But I trust you, Tae.”

“You don’t. If that was the case, you would have talked to me about your thoughts, about not being ok, about wanting to... disappear.”

As Taehyung spoke, Jungkook finally saw it in his eyes. That mixture of hurt and disappointment he dreaded to encounter burned in his eyes, and he dug his chin into his chest at once.

“You’re not opening up to me, and I’m not talking only about your thoughts. If you think about it, I don’t know you, Jungkook. I don’t know if you have siblings. I don’t know where your parents are or what they do. I don’t know if you had friends growing up or if you were a loner. I don’t know what’s your favorite color, what you like to do in your free time, if you like holidays or not. I don’t know anything and it’s the first time in my whole damn life that I care about the fact that I don’t know anything about someone.”

A frustrated sigh grazed Taehyung’s chest as he watched Jungkook sit on the edge of the couch. He pushed himself to a sitting position too, a persistent grimness clutching his traits. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, you’re right. You don’t know me. I’ve never shared anything from what you said. But you never asked either.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Do I look like I am?”

“I opened up to you about my family, which was one of the most sensitive things for me, and you didn’t have to ask, Jungkook. I did it because I felt and feel close to you. Hell, isn’t that what you do with the person you’ve fallen for? Share your life with him?”

“Are you saying I’m not feeling the same?”

“I don’t know, do you? Because inside of the walls you’ve built around you, you should include me too and not shut me out.”

Jungkook stayed mute and immobile, gripping the edge of the couch. “I think you should leave.”

“What? Why?” Taehyung asked, round eyes filling with a scorching restlessness right away.

“I want to be alone.”

“You don’t get to do that.”

“I’m really tired, Taehyung. I fight with myself every day. I can’t fight with you too.”

“I said I’m not leaving you alone, and I meant it.”

“I can’t fight with you anymore.”

“Then stop fighting me, for fuck’s sake!” Taehyung’s voice erupted from him in a rumbling growl that had Jungkook flinching. “I want nothing more in this messed up world than to help you, make you happy, make you smile, make you mine! And you don’t let me. Why don’t you want me to do all these things? Why don’t you want me close to you like I want you close to me? When I find something interesting or funny, when I find a new song that I like, when I hear something about anything, you’re the first person I seek to share all these things. Why can’t I be yours?”

Tears gushed out of Taehyung’s eyes, just like he poured his heart out to him. He didn’t care about sounding desperate — he needed to say all these things that suffocated him.

At the realization that Taehyung was crying, Jungkook twisted his head at a creep. He stared at the agonizing glint in his eyes and the tears dripping down his face — every tear tormented him a bit more and more until his heart shrilled in pain. He was crying because of Jungkook, because he was selfish, stubborn and didn’t want to admit that Taehyung was actually right.

With the walls he had around him, he had shut Taehyung out too instead of letting him in — instead of letting him help him. He didn’t realize it until now. He wanted help. He needed help. Someone to make him see things from another perspective. But Jungkook wasn’t one of these people who asked for help; he never liked it, and he avoided it at all costs. No, he couldn’t admit that now. Not even to Taehyung. He was too proud to do that.

“Please leave.”

A sob spilled from his throat, and the sound coiled around Jungkook’s ears in the most gruesome of ways. His heart fractured a bit more.

Taehyung was an unmoving wreck. No matter what he said or did, Jungkook didn’t let him get close to him, didn’t accept him in his life. He never thought it would hurt that much.

As his whimpers escalated to anguished weeping, Taehyung snatched his jacket and stormed towards the exit. He blindly reached for his bag and opened the door, then slammed it on his way out.

⚜✳⚜