S 1 E 4 : " # P E E R P R E S S U R E "

[ [ door opens ] ]

seokjin: hello mtv, welcome to my crib.

yoongi: jin it's literally just us.

jungkook: mtv don't want your bummy ass.

yoongi: yeah and why'd you invite us over anyway? i'm kind of suspicious....

seokjin: i can't even invite my castmates over to bake a cake with me? without them being suspicious of me?? wow this is #bullying.

jungkook: you're mad extra. just say bullying.

seokjin: i'm being #peerpressured.

jungkook: [ voice cracking ] you're accusing me of peer pressuring you when, me, i, jeon jungkook the third, prince of columbia, have never even thought of doing that to you. this is #inversebullying.

yoongi: what's inverse bullying? is it like reverse racism?

jungkook: yes.

yoongi: oh, then it doesn't exist. [ laughs ]

jungkook: .... for us to peer pressure you we'd have to be your peers.... peers is synonymous with friends... hmm... interesting... [ smirks, nudging seokjin ]

seokjin: .......actually now that i give it some more thought, peer is a strong word. you're more like acquaintances to me. i don't hate you as much as i hate the other three, but you still ain't that special.

yoongi: can you just let us in already?

seokjin: yeah yeah, come in.

jungkook: why do you want to bake a cake all of a sudden?

yoongi: does it matter? it's cake.

seokjin: it's not just any cake, it's.... an apology cake.

jungkook: for who?

seokjin: for harpoon.

jungkook: harpoon?

seokjin: yes, lamp spoon.

yoongi: namjoon.

seokjin: that's what i just said lmao, cancun. [ laughs, tugging yoongi and jungkook's ears ] what do you both have ears for if you aren't going to use them?

yoongi: to hold up your glasses on your face.

all: ...

yoongi: [ blinks boredly ]

jungkook: yo can i get some of what you're on my guy?

yoongi: [ nods head like preschooler ] yesth.

seokjin: [ tying apron around waist ] anyway, we're only going to be baking a rose-scented tomboy cake with french creme and strawberry filling topped with strawberry slices and --

seokjin: [ putting finger to lip ] wait, should we use fondant or icing? i think i might have some leftover fondant in the refrigerator.

seokjin: [ checks refrigerator ]

jungkook: did he just say only? we're only baking a rose-scented tomboy cake?? like i didn't even know cakes could be tomboys??? i didn't even know they could smell like plants?? i?????

jungkook: what's next, a mint-scented girly cake??????

jungkook: if we make a mint-scented cake we'd have to put you in it, yoongi-hyung.

yoongi: [ putting hands over jungkook's nose and mouth ] shh look just don't breathe.

jungkook: [ !!!!!! ]

yoongi: [ still holding jungkook, calmly turning to seokjin ] and we're going to be doing all this for namjoon, a person you supposedly hate?

seokjin:  ..... i'm a good person with a heart who wants to make amends and i-- [ bursts out into laughter ] i-i-i'm so sorry, it's just.... whoo! that was funny. anyway yeah hana is making me be nice. therefore apology cake.

jungkook: [ !!!!!!!!!!! need air !!!!!!!!!! ]

seokjin: yoongi let the damn child go i'm not trying to be a vehicle for homicide today.

yoongi: [ to jungkook ] not today. but someday.

jungkook: [ on the verge of tears, struggling to breathe ] i'm being #bullied and i don't appreciate you--

seokjin: ah, here it is! [ opens container, looking at fondant inside ] oh man, this won't be enough for a full sized cake.

jungkook: so then let's make cupcakes!

yoongi: take a good look, jungkook. does jin look like a basic bitch to you?

seokjin: [ clearly not paying attention to yoongi and jungkook, finding ingredients and tools in the pantry, thinking to self ] i'm a bad bitch i'm a-i'm a bad bitch, i'm a bad bitch i'm a-i'm a bad bitch, i'm a

jungkook: oh shit truu.

seokjin: icing it is then.

seokjin: [ stops suddenly, looking at yoongi and jungkook with wide eyes ]

seokjin: so are you both stupid or am i that attractive? stop staring and get the ingredients out!

yoongi: vegetable oil! i will get the vegetable oil! [ startled, bumps into jungkook ]

jungkook: i got the eggs! [ startled, bumps into yoongi ]

- JUNGKOOK -

"i like baking. baking is fun, i do it with nayoung all the time. but jin? you might as well call him gordon ramsey. once he puts that apron on, he becomes the messenger of the antichrist! it goes without saying that i don't work well under pressure so him yelling at me was a bit of a traumatic experience. looking back it's very funny, but damn, jin! i didn't mean to undercook the strawberries!"

- YOONGI -

"yo, i was only there so i didn't get fined, you know? like i heard there was gonna be free cake, so i came through. literally the only reason i came through.

[ sighs, pauses ]

i didn't come for a migraine. if i wanted a migraine i would have just downloaded iggy azalea's album. all he did was yell my ear off. 'yoongi, you're not fucking creaming the layers evenly!' 'nice going cock for brains, you made the cake stick to the pan! that's why i told you to use the non-stick pan! you fucking idiot!" well damn... fuck your french ass baguette ass poodle ass paris ass beret ass eiffel tower ass bonjour ass cream and your pan......

i hope he burns the next risotto he makes."

- SEOKJIN -

"i am not that bad."

- HOSEOK -

"i wasn't even there and i know this hoe was lying. roll the clip."

--

[ [ cut to flashback reel  ] ]

seokjin: how's the strawberry filling coming along, kookie?

jungkook: you tell me. [ lifts spoon to seokjin's mouth ]

seokjin: [ smacks lips ]

jungkook: what do you think?

seokjin: jungkook?

jungkook: mhm?

seokjin: if i wanted to taste menstrual blood, i would have asked hana for a used tampon what the fuck is this shit.

jungkook: [ in tears ] i'm trying my best, hyung!

seokjin: it's gloopy, it's so slimy and it tastes bland as -- you know what? [ throws the entire bowl in the trash ]

jungkook: HYUNG!

seokjin: [ points aggressively at the filling in the trash bin ] look at it! look at this disgusting amalgamation of strawberry and sin you've created! are you proud?!

jungkook: [ will not look ]

seokjin: [ lifts the trash bin, forcing jungkook to look ] are you proud of yourself, young man?!

jungkook: ...

  yoongi: [ from outside the camera shot ] i believe in you, kooks! let's get it, champ!

jungkook: [ more confident ] yes i--

seokjin: wRONG AGAIN! 

seokjin: [ throws new set of ingredients to jungkook ] and this time try not to make anOTHER FUCKING BATCH OF THE KOOL-AID GUY'S DEFECATION THANK YOU.

jungkook: IM T RYING mY BEST!!!!

yoongi: jin stop yelling at my son he is but a baby herb and he doesn't work good under pressure.

jungkook: [ is bawl louder ]

seokjin: just shut up and color the icing.

yoongi: [ doing everything wrong ] like this?

seokjin: nO YOONGI DON'T--

3  M I N U T E S  L A T E R

yoongi: [ smiles proudly ] it's nice, i like it!

[ [ camera pans away from yoongi's face to the icing mix ] ]

[ [ and the open bottle of wine next to it. ] ]

[ [ and also to the mess of wine on the ground and all over the countertops ] ]

yoongi: [ still smiling ] what do you think?

seokjin: [ side eyes yoongi while covered in wine stains ]

jungkook: yoongi i like it but i don't think you should make it anymore.

yoongi: what about you, jin?

seokjin: why...

seokjin: would you spike the fucking icing????

yoongi: it needed a little sum sum. some color.

jungkook: he asked you to put food coloring in it! [ picking up food coloring from countertop ] look! he even gave you the food coloring!

yoongi: i know, that's why i used red wine. to get the red coloring that white wine doesn't give you.

yoongi: besides, food coloring ain't LIT.

seokjin: [ speechless at how dumb yoongi is ]

jungkook: [ gathers things ] i'm leaving now i have to go home sorry bruh.

[ [ camera focuses on jungkook as he exits through the front door shortly before cutting back to yoongi and seokjin in the kitchen ] ]

yoongi: [ grins at seokjin ]

seokjin: [ looks into camera ]

[ [ cut to the interior of the park bedroom, 6 p.m. that evening ] ]

jimin: [ steps out of bathroom dripping wet, towel wrapped around waist ] soohyun, where did you put the q-tips? my ears feel clogged.

soohyun: we ran out so i left the last few over there by your phone [ points to nightstand ]

jimin: [ walks over to nightstand, drops towel intentionally as he passes ] oh my god what no mY TOWEL!!!!

soohyun: [ watches tv, laid up in bed with her glasses and sweatpants on while unproblematic and unbothered ]

jimin: [ places hands on hips, toned ass cheeks all up in the camera ]

cameraman: [ zooms in just a little bit ]

[ [ switch to camera-B with frontal view, jimin's penis is gracefully censored by the peach emoji ] ]

jimin: i said, mY TOWEL!!!!!

soohyun: [ flips comforter off of her ] AHHH THE COMFORTER!!!!

soohyun: my bad i just thought we were just stating obvious things we did now.

soohyun: [ looks down at dat dih ]

soohyun: boy put ya dick away.

jimin: [ looks at her adoringly ] you deprive me of the one thing we need to live.

soohyun: [ blushes ] oxygen? aw, i take your breath away, chim chim?

jimin: no. pussy.

soohyun: [ feigns offense ] i prefer the term adunanane.

soohyun: and if it's the one thing we need to live, how come i've been doing just fine without it?

jimin: first of all, i'm bout to school ya. boy, [ roast hand ] what the fuck are you saying my guy.

jimin: you're stupid as hell. you've never lived without adunanane because it's literally attached to your body. if you could live without it, it wouldn't be there.

jimin: if someone were to, let's say.... tear it up, in the literal sense. like tear it up to the point where it was physically detached from your body, would you still be alive? no? okay.

jimin: me - 1, you - 0.

jimin: ballin'! [ fakes a basketball shot ]

soohyun: why am i even attracted to men? they're all so stupid.

soohyun: [ looks toward jimin ] exhibit a.

jimin: oh shit truuuu. [ climbs into bed behind soohyun ]

soohyun: [ fakes surprise, smiles sarcastically ] excuse me? what are you doing?

jimin: [ furrows brows ] i'm tryna spoon?

soohyun:

jimin: or did you wanna be the big spoon tonight?

soohyun: boy if you don't-- [ raises hand to hit him ]

jimin: [ smirks ] you're gonna spank me too? that's hot!

soohyun: park jimin, as your wife, i will gladly let you know right now that i am not the one.

soohyun: or maybe i'm not your wife. maybe i'm just your "main hoe." [ raises brow accusingly, air quotes ]

jimin: [ sweats ]

soohyun: did you think i wasn't gonna find out about what happened when you went out clubbing with the other husbands? did you think i wasn't going to find out that you were after every available ass under that building?!

jimin: [ holds her hands ] bae, my eyes saw their ass, but my heart saw yours.

soohyun: [ snatches hand away, gets out of bed ]

jimin: [ chuckles nervously ] no, no, no, no, yeobo, look i was joking! what i meant to say was that--

[ [ cut to two minutes later ] ]

jimin: hyunnie, you know i didn't mean it like that!

[ [ soohyun reappears from the master bedroom and launches his pillows and blanket off the balcony that overlooks the living room area. one pillow is chucked directly into his face. ] ]

jimin: soohyun!

[ [ bedroom door slams behind soohyun ] ]

jimin: please hear me out!

soohyun: [ from behind the doors ] i'mma hear deez nuts, i'll tell you that much!

jimin: ...

jimin: are you sure?

soohyun: [ opens door, pokes head out looking unamused ]

[ [ door slams shut ] ]

  [ [ locks click ] ] 

jimin: [ pouts, throws pillows down on the couch ]

jimin: [ angrily sets up his bed ] every fucking day its the same shit i can never catch a break all i've ever tried to do is make sure she's happy and shit and i ask how her day goes and i love her unconditionally even when she doesn't wash the dishes after she cooks but i can never get anything right all of a sudden every fucking time i--

[ [ jimin's cell phone on the coffee table makes the kim possible notification sound ] ]

jimin: what's the sitch?

jimin: oh it's just a text from taehyung.

bigdaddytae: yo jangmi's having a lil get together at my place for her birthday like the nerd she is lmao u gonna turn up or no?

jimin: [ sits up straight with hand on chin to consider consequences ]

jimin: ...

jimin: ...

jimin: ....

6  M I N U T E S  L A T E R

jimin: [ now slightly more angled toward the left ]

jimin: ...

jimin: [ looks at phone ]

jimin: lmao fuck it why not?

+

sorry if this was boring but i didn't edit and this was a go-with-the-flow chapter tbh but i wanted to include the characters i haven't given so much shine, therefore jimin. next are namjoon and tae hopefully.

also side note some of the wives have the names of other idols such as seulgi, but they're literally just names i picked out and it wasn't intentional for them to be actual people. but if you want to imagine those idols as the wives go ahead. whatever tickles your peach.

- c y a n.