S 1 E 1 2 : "U N T A M E D & U N C U T "

taehyung: [ shoots up in bed ]

taehyung: oh shit

taehyung: geez, what hap--

taehyung: [ is realize ]

taehyung: oh no oh shit oH NO OH S HIT

taehyung: [ grabs phone and shoes from the bedside ]

taehyung: [ shoves the hotel's complimentary shampoos and lotions and towels into purse ]

???: leaving so soon?

taehyung: yA DAMN SKIPPY I'M LEAVIN !! [ runs ]

???: but i made waffles and--

taehyung: BYE

[[ he out ]]

taehyung: [ pauses, goes back to her ]

taehyung: [ trying not to cry ] wait we used a condom right?

???: why would we use a condom

-TAEHYUNG-

"JANGMI I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY JANGMI I'M SO SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT I'M SORRY I AM SO DUMB IT WAS THE ALCOHOL!"

[ sniffles ]

"... blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.... blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.."

--

taehyung: [ grabs her shoulders ] MY PULLOUT GAME IS WEAKER THAN JUNGKOOK'S ENGLISH SCORES

taehyung: WHY

???: what are you talking about

???: we didn't have sex

???: i brought you here because you were drunk off your ass, the bar was closing, and i couldn't find your room card to deliver you back to your suite

???: now do you want the waffles or not?

taehyung: ... yes

-TAEHYUNG-

"mina ended up being very nice, i really liked her waffles. i felt bad that i accused her of something like that, but let's be honest, my presence was enough to repay her for that."

"so everything was going well for a while, but i felt like something was off. a few of the memories from last night started hitting me, and i realized something."

[ camera pans in ]

"i went to the bar with someone."

--

taehyung: [ on phone ] um, mina?

mina: ye?

taehyung: last night, when you kidnapped me

mina: [ internally ] boy is u deadass

taehyung: did you see this man anywhere near me? [ shows her jimin's picture on his phone ]

mina: [ squints ] mmmmmmmmm

mina: no. no i didn't.

taehyung: fuck you mean no

mina: i mean i haven't seen that man-- oH WAIT

mina: i think might have been passed out on the ground somewhere at the bar haha

mina: do you know him?

taehyung: no,, i just have a picture of a random asian man on my phone because i like having them on my phone

mina: well listen i thought you were one of those ulzzang weebs so leave me

taehyung: [ takes phone from ear ] it keeps going straight to voicemail

taehyung: [ sighs, holds hand in head ] oh man, where is he?

taehyung: why didn't you take him too?

mina: what the fuck does this look like to you? a hotel?

[[ camera pans out from the two at the dining table to the studio-style hotel room ]]

mina; alright,,,

mina: because this isn't a fucking hotel

taehyung:

taehyung: [ rolling eyes ] ... anyway

taehyung: [ swings jacket over shoulder and picks up shoes ] if you'll excuse me i have to go find my friend slash co-star

mina: co-star? are you on a tv show or something?

taehyung: no mina,, the cameras that have been following me around,,,, are just for the fucking colgate commercial i'm filming

taehyung: i'm on a reality show

taehyung: [ points ] and that's my cameraman, simon

simon: [ peace sign appears in camera frame, in douchey frat boy voice ] haha PEACE

mina: [ looks back and forth between taehyung and camera ] so... i'm on tv?

taehyung: ...

taehyung: you know what i can't do this right now bye mina [ waves ]

taehyung: [ stumbling through door, camera follows close behind ]

mina: [ off-camera, yelling ] don't forget to follow me on snapchat and insta @ minamouseee with three e's download "fly" by got7 now available on itunes and the google play store for bookings please conta--!

taehyung: [ shuts door behind him ]

taehyung: [ sighs ]

taehyung: surprisingly, i don't think i'm that hungover. i just look like shit is all.

taehyung: [ chuckles ] i haven't had to do the walk of shame since college

taehyung: this is more like the walk of no shame though like why be afraid if you just had sex

taehyung: [ to a woman walking with heels in her hands, gasps ] miss, it seems to me like you haven't been home since last night!

woman #1: [ smirks ] you bet i haven't

taehyung: [ smiles ] congratulations!

woman #1: thank you!

taehyung: [ to another passerby ] i respect that you enjoyed yourself last night!

woman #2: and i love your shoes!

taehyung: that's what i'm talking about bitch! [ high fives her as they pass each other ]

taehyung: ah, this is nice.

taehyung: nothing is better than a world of mutual empowerment and fem--

[[ hotel suite door slams open in his face ]]

taehyung: FUCK

taehyung: [ hits floor ]

namjoon: [ pokes head out from behind door ]

[[ camera zooms in ]]

namjoon: feminist, a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes

-NAMJOON-

"it's that yonce your yonce in that lingerie on that chardonnay scoring touchdowns on yo runway i'm texas forever like bUN B and i'm redboned yo i'm really rit like donjae i'm camo in here yo these thots can't clock me nowadays you wish i was your pound cake boy you know i look gooood as fuuuck wish i was yo baby momma want me to come around and give you good karma buT NO we eeescalatin', up in this bitch like eeelevatuhs of coURSE SOMETIMES SHIT GO DOWN WHEN ITS A BILLION DOLLAS ON A ELEVATOR OF. COURSE. SOMETIMES. SHIT. GO. DOWN. WHEN. ITS. A. BILLION DOLLAS ON A ELEVATOR HAHAAAAAAAAAAAA.... GOD DAMN GOD DAMN GOD DAMN MY MOMMA TAUGHT ME GOOD HOME TRAINING MY DADDY TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE MY HATERS MY SISTER TAUGHT ME I SHOULD SPEAK MY MIND MY MAN MADE ME FEEL SO GOD DAMN FINE you wake up flawless post up flawless riding round in it flawless flossin on that flawless this DIamond flawless my DIamond flawless this rOCK flawless my rOC flawless i woke up like dis,,, i woke up like dis,, we flawless, ladies tell em i woke up like dis,,,, i woke up like dis,,, we flawless ladies tell em say I. LOOK SO GOOD. TONIIIIGHHHT. god damn god damn say I. LOOK SO GOOD. TONIIIIGHHHT. god damn gOD DAMN GOD DAMN i wake up looking this good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and i wouldn't change it if i could,,,,,, and you can say what you want i'm the shit i'm the shit i'm the shit i'm the shit,,,,,,,,,, i want everyone to feel like this tonight gOD DAMN GOD DAMN GOD DAMN"

--

[[ trumpet sound effects ]]

namjoon: ONIKA

taehyung: [ lifts head ] lookin trinidadiAN japanese and indiAN got malaysian got that yaki that wavy braziliAN

namjoon: THEM BITCHES THIRSTYYYY I'M HUNGARIAN NICKI B BE EATING DIAMOND FANGS BARBAR--

neighbors: OKAY BITCH SHUT UP

namjoon: alright nvm you right you got it

5 M I N U T E S L A T E R

namjoon: [ curled up on couch, dipping tea bag in tea ] so what brings you by?

taehyung: i don't have a fucking room

namjoon: [ still playing with tea bag ] ah yes i c

taehyung: so i spent the night at some random woman's suite

namjoon: did you sm--

taehyung: and no i didn't smash asshole i'm married remember?? smh even i didn't forget that

namjoon: [ nods, dipping tea bag in tea ] ah yes... i c

taehyung: she made me breakfast in bed and all and that's great except i went to the bar last night after you guys left me and that's where she picked me up but i also went with jimin and now i can't find him fuck

namjoon: speaking of fuckin

taehyung: [ raises brow ] yo what did you put in your tea this mornin fam

namjoon: shh [ puts finger to lips ] can you hear it?

namjoon: listen closely

taehyung: i can't hear anything

namjoon: well then what are those fuckin dumbo ears good for bitch!

taehyung:

namjoon:

taehyung: [ smirks teasingly ] ooh, somebody pissed in your cereal today.

namjoon: [ bitch slaps taehyung ]

taehyung: [ baby gasp ]

namjoon: now listen

taehyung: why would you do that like you know how i'm feeling and you're still putting me in such an uncomfortable situa--

namjoon: jUST

namjoon: [ is so angry he's calm ]

namjoon: [ sighs ] ... fucking listen

taehyung:

taehyung:

taehyung:

voice: [ through wall ] YES DADDY

taehyung: are those the neighbors? are they fuckin?

namjoon: YES

taehyung: well they ain't come ova here for nothing...

namjoon: [ calmly not here for taehyung's shit ]

taehyung:

taehyung: bitch you know we is fuckin

taehyung:

namjoon:

taehyung: [ whispers ] bitch you know we is fuckin

namjoon:

taehyung: my bad fam

taehyung: do you need me to play the song

namjoon: [ tries to still sound hard ] i need the fucking song man

taehyung: [ plays "the song" ]

namjoon: ALL NIGHT

namjoon: THESE BITCHES NEXT DOOR WERE GOING AT IT

namjoon: AND I ASK FOR ONE THING ON MY VACATION

namjoon: AND ITS SLEEP

namjoon: THIS BITCH KEEP MOANING, HIS DICK CAN'T BE THAT GOOD

namjoon: NOW I'M DRINKING TEA SO I DON'T POP OFF,,

namjoon: BUT clearly THIS SHIT ISN'T KEEPING ME CALM BECAUSE WELL HERE THE fuCK I AM ANYWAY

namjoon: HOE

namjoon: I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR DADDY KINK

namjoon: I DON'T WANNA HEAR A N Y T H I N G

namjoon: I WANNA SLEEP

namjoon: NOW IM MAD

namjoon: LET'S GOOOOOO

namjoon:

taehyung: do you feel better now

namjoon: yeah thanks man i appreciate dat

taehyung: it's all good fam

taehyung: but um, do you mind if i take a shower here? at least until i get my room situation figured out?

namjoon: yeah it's no problem second room down the hall to your left. i brought your bags up for you so they're sitting around in the bedroom somewhere.

taehyung: [ gets up from couch, rubbing hands on pants ] alright then

taehyung: and i hope you didn't make plans for today because we gotta find jimin

namjoon: [ into walkie talkie ] operation park jim jam is a go

namjoon: [ throws taehyung a walkie talkie ]

taehyung: namoon where did you get walkie talkies from

namjoon: [ into walkie talkie ] they were on sale at ikea for twelve thousand won

taehyung: [ into walkie talkie ] nice

namjoon: [ into walkie talkie ] nice

1 H O U R L A T E R

- over walkie talkie: namjoon -

namjoon: this is pink-boy0925, i have a visual on jim jam. over.

taehyung: details?

namjoon: he appears to be butt naked on the golf course singing one dance by drake and -- wow, look at those thighs. what is his workout regimen. over.

taehyung: what are your coordinates pink-boy?

namjoon: 7.6 degrees N, 98.3 degrees E

taehyung: look, i know i speak a lot of fuckin languages bro but i don't speak whatever the fuck you just said so please just tell me where you at so i can head down there

namjoon: east golf course, hole 19

namjoon: the target is moving, get down here quick

namjoon: WE NEED REINFORCEMENTS NOW, kim-taedashian52! HE'S MAKING A RUN FOR IT!

taehyung: but i'm all the way at hole 21!

namjoon: JIMIN GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!

jimin: [ distantly ] FUK DA POLEEC

namjoon: HE'S MAKING HIS WAY DOWN TOWARD HOLE 16, I'M LOSING HIM. OVER.

taehyung: FUCK, OKAY

taehyung: [ gets off walkie talkie, looks around in panic ] shit what do i do what do i do what do i do

[[ camera trucks to the row of golf carts parked neatly along the skirts of the course ]]

5 3 S E C O N D S L A T E R

maintenance: เซอร์ เหล่านี้ รถกอล์ฟ ไม่ได้ สำหรับผู้ที่ พวกเขากำลัง ได้รับอนุญาต เฉพาะสำหรับ การใช้งานโดย พนักงาน รีสอร์ท iniala !

taehyung: but who gon' check me boo?

taehyung: [ steals the golf cart anyway ]

maintenance: แต่ ท่าน คุณ ไม่ได้--!

taehyung: [ is already rolling the fuck out ]

[[ taehyung continues whippin it. how is he driving a golf cart in stick. he sees namjoon running down the course trailing behind a butt-naked jimin and screeches the cart to a halt, grinding some of the grass out of place. ]]

namjoon: ????

taehyung: no questions hoe just get in the whip!

namjoon: but taehyung your driver's license is suspended!

taehyung: IN KOREA IT IS [ yanks him in ]

namjoon: tHIS IS ILLEGAL

namjoon: LET ME DRIVE I HAVE A LICENSE

taehyung: you don't need a license to whip it in a golf cart!

taehyung: [ is already rolling the fuck out ]

namjoon: tAEHYUNG NO

taehyung: [ is drift ]

[[ slow mo ]]

namjoon: [ screaming ]

taehyung: [ cackling ]

S I M U L T A N E O U S L Y

yoongi: so kids what are we doing today?

hoseok: who knows? i keep calling joon and tae and they won't pick up

yoongi: haha joon and tae

yoongi: tae and joon

yoongi: ... taejoon

yoongi: [ laughs ]

yoongi: [ cries ]

yoongi: [ wailing and leaning on hoseok's shoulder ]

hoseok: bITCH [ brushes him off his shouler ]

yoongi: [ leans to jungkook, crying ] fuck you hoseok

jungkook: aww yoongi what's wrong

yoongi: taejoon

yoongi: i miss him bro

[[ camera pans to jungkook and hoseok, who has his thumbs up his nose so he won't laugh. ]]

-JUNGKOOK-

[ busts out laughing ]

"ahaHAAAAAAAAAAAhahahaHha"

"i know this grown man is not crying over a lil boy. with his ol' bitch ass."

"i'm sure not even HOSEOK misses that child as much as yoongi does yetAAAAAHHahahahahhahaHAAAAAAAAA IM FUCKIN WEAAAK."

-JUNGKOOK-

[ red in the face, still calming down ]

"alright, take two."

"WHOO. that was rich. but anyway."

[ wipes tears ]

[ doubles over again ]

".......HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAhahahahaAAHAAHA"

[ laughs for one more minute ]

"okay okay okay okay i'm done this time."

[ calms down fully, catches breath ]

"alright so i was-- pFFFFFFFFFT HAAAgHAHAHHahahahahahAHAAAAAAAAA THIS OL' TEDDY BEAR HEAD ASS MUH FUCKA IM SO FUCKIN WEAK. I'M SO FUCKIN WEAK. I AM SO WEAK -- OH, OH, OH I'M GONNA PEE MYSELF. I'M GONNA PEE MYSELF I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. I CAN'T STOP L--"

--

yoongi: [ sniffles ]

yoongi: jungkook are you

yoongi: jungkook are you laughing

jungkook: [ laughing ] no i'm not

yoongi: [ voice cracks, lifts head ] you know how i'm feeling right now and you're making this such an uncomfortable situation for me like you know i'm not happy

-YOONGI-

[ dabs tears away so he won't ruin his makeup ]

"i just cannot... i can't believe the betrayal in the room right now. it's.... far too much."

--

-HOSEOK-

[ grinning ]

"i don't know about jungkook, that hoe ass bitch, but i know i wasn't laughing so much at the situation as i was his crying face like he has this ugly crying face and i just can't help it."

--

hoseok: look yoongi, i know how you're feeling right now

yoongi: no you don't you're sitting here laughing in my face!

yoongi:

hoseok: [ plugging thumbs in nose and trying his best ]

jungkook: [ crying with laughter ] yoongi i guarantee hoseok and i are taking this very seriously

yoongi: that's it i'm going to the breakfast bar!

hoseok: [ with thumbs up nose ] nah wait, look, i'm sorry!

jungkook: [ gets up from couch to follow ] bae don't act like this

jungkook: [ has turned red, rolls off couch ]

yoongi: i don't need to be here getting fucking laughed at when i could be mouth harassing a fucking danish or some shit!

yoongi: [ slams door ]

door: awww shit now y'all done it

jungkook: [ gets up, out of breath ] yoongi, wait up! i'm sorry!

yoongi, distantly: fuck you!

hoseok: well, i guess it is just you and i, hobi

hoseok: [ shifts awkwardly on couch, tries to get comfortable ] jus u and i

hoseok: [ cannot ]

hoseok: FUCK

-HOSEOK-

"i'm actually more of a social person. i hate being left out for the most part. i don't know how to entertain myself without other people around. so when yoongi and the rat left me in my suite all alone to do whatever rats and friends do, i felt like a third wheel. it kinda made me miss chaeun and taejoon and even--"

[ sighs in defeat ]

"even seokjin."

--

hoseok: [ groaning awkwardly and dialing number on phone ]

--

"but i won't tell him that. i can't be the one to call first or he'll think i actually like him, and i hate his ass, so i can't call first but if i don't call first he prolly won't call my ass, since his pride is on 100 at all times, and the reason his pride is so wild because people let him have his way and have him like that. that's that psychology shit i learned back in college when i was a psych student, like you know how spoiled kids know to cry when they want some shit because their parents always give them what they want instead of teaching them a damn lesson? see i don't do that cry-cry in the grocery store bullshit and taejoon knows that. that's why he don't be acting up. a wild boy he may be, but at least he ain't about to be cryin in no damn applebees."

pd: "... so what's the moral of the story here?"

"fuck up, steve."

[ side eyes steve, smiles at camera ]

"i say all this to say that i did not call seokjin. i called namjoon."

"there. are you happy steve?"

"like damn, always tryna cut me off when i'm talking just let me breathe. you're always on my dingaling what the fuck."

--

hoseok: [ groaning awkwardly and putting phone to ear ]

- on the phone: namjoon -

hoseok: hey joon. what're you doing right now?

namjoon: i'm trying to catch ji-- NO TAEHYUNG DON'T HIT THE GEESE

[[ the sound of car tires over a bumpy road and distressed quacking is hear over the phone ]]

hoseok: is now not a good time?

namjoon: ACTUALLY, IT ISN'T SO MAYBE I CAN CALL YOU BACK???

hoseok: [ flipping through brochure ] great, so i was wondering if you wanted to do the island bike tour with me. it's about 1200 baht per person, which comes up to about thirty eight thousand won. i think that's a good deal. oh! and it says here if we bring our resort key cards we get twenty percent off

taehyung: [ screaming over jimin's singing ] he'd love to, but he's already taking the golf cart tour with me.

[[ tire squealing noise ]]

jimin: that's why i need a one dance! got a hennessy in my hand!

hoseok: is that jimin? ask him if he wants to come!

jimin: one more time fore i go! higher powers taking a hold on me, i need a one dan--

namjoon: i gOT HIM i GOT HIM

[[ tumbling sounds ]]

namjoon: I MISSED

hoseok: are you sure you're not busy, joonie?

namjoon: YES I'M FUCKING BUSY I'LL CALL YOU BACK

taehyung: JIMIN PLEASE just pUT ON SOME uNDERWE--

[[ call drops ]]

hoseok: hello?

hoseok: hello?

hoseok: [ upset ] all he had to do was say he didn't wanna go...

jungkook: look hyung i'm sorry

jungkook: i just laughed because i think it's cute that you miss him

jungkook: and also because you're somehow the same person who yeeted seokjin's edges to mars but you're so pussy

jungkook: *sensitive

jungkook: smh i hate autocorrect

yoongi:

jungkook: i'm really sorry lmao

yoongi:

jungkook: okay now you're dragging it stop being a wimp ass bitch because you're min suga and what is min suga not?

yoongi: [ tiredly ] a wimp ass bitch

jungkook: that's fuckin right bitch

jungkook: now wipe those tears and touch up that foundation you got edges to collect

yoongi: maybe i am dragging it

yoongi: :)

jungkook: :)

yoongi: :)

jungkook: :)

yoongi: >:(

jungkook: :O

yoongi: i just think it's funny how--

jungkook: [ groans ] ohhhh my gooood!

yoongi: --how all I've ever done is be a good hyung and raise you up even when the others wanted to put you down but now you're doing this to me

jungkook: you're being too sensitive why are you so sensitive all of a sudden!

yoongi: [ yells ] WHY YOU SUCH A BITCH BITCH FUCK YOU

jungkook:

yoongi: wait what were we talking about i blacked out

hoseok: [ strolls up ] damn yoongi

hoseok: back at it again with the jump off

yoongi: i thought it was one fake bitch in the building

yoongi: [ narrows eyes ] but no, it's two

hoseok: [ waka flocka face ] ... okay

yoongi: [ grills hoseok ] SAY I WON'T FIGHT YOU. SAY I WON'T.

hoseok: have a snickers yoongi you actin like a mean bitch [ throws one to him ]

yoongi: [ has a snickers ]

yoongi: did it work?

jungkook: ... nah u still a mean bitch

yoongi: damn

jungkook: can we just eat breakfast though? you really do get a little bitchy when you're hungry

yoongi: oh shit truuu

[[ the three get onto a buffet line and pick out their breakfasts. there are no omelettes, which makes yoongi extremely grumpy because he wanted a fucking omelette. after they are all done they begin to look around the dining hall for a clear and clean table to eat at, but jungkook pauses halfway along to stop and look at something. ]]

hoseok: come on jungkook, the faster we find a seat the faster yoongi stops complaining

yoongi: first of all

yoongi: I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING COMPLAINING I AM SO FUCKIN CALM YOU'RE ALWAYS ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MAD UGLY BITCH BITCH I SWEAR YOU GOT NO ASS AND TITTIES YOU LOOK LIKE A DAMN SHEET OF COMPUTER PAPER IN YOUR ALL WHITE DRUG LORD LOOKIN ASS OUTFIT BITCH I AM NOT MAD SAY IT AGAIN AND SEE IF I WON'T SWING

hoseok: jungkook i don't know whose mans this is but you better talk to him before i do because i'mma hurt his feelings

[[ hoseok picks up yoongi by his collar the two continue bickering while jungkook squints ]]

jungkook: is that jimin or am i just buggin?

jungkook: i can't tell from this far

hoseok: jimin? where? [ drops yoongi ]

yoongi: biTCH

jungkook: hold on let me check

jungkook: [ cups hands over mouth ] i suuuure loved getting my dick sucked last night!

jimin: [ teleports over to them ] must be nice! because soohyun is never tryna suck my dick! it's so hard. it's so fucking hard. the only thing that's not hard in my life anymore is my fuckin penis. wanna know why? because soohyun is never tryna let me hit. ridiculous.

jimin: oh hey you guys haha what's up

yoongi: nOTHIN AT ALL YOU WIMP ASS-- [ hoseok puts his hand over his mouth ]

hoseok: just enjoying a nice breakfast together is all

yoongi: [ muffled 50's middle schooler voice ] why i oughta

jimin: [ chews plantain ] if i knew you guys were coming down to the buffet, i would have waited! i just finished my breakfast.

jungkook: yeah well it's okay

jungkook: we're still trying to figure out what we're doing with our day anyway

hoseok: ... jimin?

jimin: mhm?

hoseok: if you're here calmly munching on plantains and whatnot

hoseok: who the fuck were namjoon and taehyung chasing

jimin: ???

hoseok: i was just on the phone with namjoon and he sounded like he was chasing you in a golf cart for something??

jimin: that's really interesting because i was at the poolside all morning

jimin: lmao that ain't me they're chasing broski

hoseok: but they called your name

jimin: they got the wrong jim jam then

hoseok:

yoongi:

jungkook:

jimin:

yoongi:

jungkook:

hoseok:

jimin: nah lmao i'm just fuckin with you

jimin: they were chasing me, they should be here in about [ checks watch ]two minutes

jungkook: what the fuck did you do?

jimin: i did what i always do

jimin: tear shit up

jungkook: [ sighs ]

yoongi: let's be honest, are any of us really surprised?

hoseok: [ smiles down at yoongi ] oh look who's finally tame now

yoongi: after all, park jimin is a fucking drunk slob kebab who's mad at the world because he got the african plains for a di--

hoseok: [ hand ]

yoongi: [ muffles ] bitch damn a little lotion can go a long way so get off your high horse like the rest of us and jack it when you're lonely because at this rate your dick is gonna crack and break if it gets any drier than it is now matter fact let it break off i swear you just gotta let your dick go because soohyun ain't gonna give you any! you look dusty! your hair's uneven! jimin that muh fucka's down there crying for help and salvation and you're ignoring him! just like pocahontas said "have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon," this bitch's dick is crying to the fuckin new bottle of cocoa butter you left on your dresser back home and i bet on everything i own that the reason why soohyun refuses to so much as look at your ashy ass excuse for a penis is because real late at night, when you're sleeping in bed, she can hear it crying out "WATERRRR" and it scares her witcha ol' insidious ass cock

yoongi: [ moves hoseok's hand ] so somebody better get me a damn cheese omelette or i'm lighting all y'all asses up

jimin: i don't even have to know what he just said to be hurt over it

jungkook: but they don't have any omelettes here hyung

yoongi: jeon jungkook

jungkook: [ turns to camera ] TODAY I'LL BE SHOWING YOU HOW TO WHIP UP A NICE FOUR CHEESE BACON OMELETTE WITH A SIDE OF FRENCH TOAST

jimin: [ points behind the boys' shoulders ] ah, there they are!

[[ namjoon and taehyung roll in with their walkie talkies, taehyung is fully armed with his finger guns and namjoon has a taser for some reason?? ]]

jungkook: what the fuck

jungkook: is going on

hoseok: i think the better question is whom the fuck let kim namjoon get access to a fucking taser

namjoon: [ into walkie talkie ] 30% off sale at ikea buy a walkie talkie get a taser free

taehyung: [ breathless ] how did you guys.. catch... jimin?

jungkook: we didn't catch him, he was just sitting here idk

taehyung: and how did you get dressed so fast what the fuck??

jimin: [ smiles and shrugs ]

hoseok: [ raises brow ] you were naked?

jimin: [ shrugs and smiles ]

jungkook: [ takes notepad and pen out of back pocket ] this is so going in my filing cabinet

taehyung: [ throws the notepad ]

jungkook: [ gasps ]

jungkook: taehyung!

taehyung: this is an intervention, you have to go to rehab. you're a receiptaholic, and this addiction has gone too far.

jungkook: bitch was it necessary to throw my notepad though

resort staff: [ walks up ] สิ่งที่ พวกคุณ ทำอะไร คุณจะ รู้ว่าคุณ เพียงแค่กด ชายคนหนึ่งใน หัวกับ แผ่นบันทึก ที่? นับตั้งแต่ คุณ เจ็ด ได้มี ที่นี่ สิ่งที่คุณ ได้รับ สิ่งที่ดีสำหรับ ปัญหา แต่เมื่อคุณ เริ่มที่จะ ไม่พอใจ ผู้เข้าพัก เราจะต้อง วาดเส้น!!!!

jungkook: oh shit he used like four exclamation marks

namjoon: what the fuk did he even say though

yoongi: yo i don't know who he's getting slick with but it better not be me

resort staff: คุณ เจ็ด ควรจะละอายใจ ของ ตัวเอง ! มัดใจชายได้ เติบโตขึ้น เช่น ตัวเอง ที่ ทำหน้าที่เหมือน กลุ่ม ของสัตว์ ฉันหวังว่าคุณ ไม่ได้วางแผนใน การทำเช่นนี้ อีกต่อไปเพราะ การกระทำ เช่นนี้อีก จะที่ดิน คุณออกจาก รีสอร์ทของเรา !

yoongi: tell this man to watch his intonations because he's getting wild

hoseok: yoongi please don't

resort staff: [ enters yoongi's zone ]

resort staff: ฉันไม่เคยเห็น ชายกลุ่มหนึ่ง ทำหน้าที่ เพื่อ เหมือน เด็ก ในทุก ชีวิตของฉัน ! คุณ คิดว่าเพราะ คุณ รวยพอที่จะ มาที่นี่ ผม จะไม่ ทำให้คุณอยู่ใน สถานที่ของคุณ ลองอีกครั้ง! ผมจะ เรียกร้อง การรักษาความปลอดภัย ของโรงแรม ตอนนี้คืออะไร ?

yoongi: YO SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT GUALA GUALA BULLSHIT B

resort staff:

namjoon:

taehyung:

jungkook:

jimin:

hoseok:

resort staff:

resort staff: และ อีกสิ่ง หนึ่ง--!

yoongi: i don't want any of you saying i didn't warn the bitch

yoongi: [ uses namjoons hand to taser the staff member ]

namjoon: yoongi!

yoongi: [ picks up a glass of complimentary water from a nearby table and sips it, unbothered ]

yoongi: yes?

taehyung: yoongi you can't do that!

yoongi: i can't?

yoongi: so then... how come i just did?

jungkook: GOD

jungkook: WHY WOULD YOU TASE HIM

yoongi: if he didn't wanna get tased he shoulda had a v8

yoongi:

taehyung:

jimin:

namjoon:

jungkook:

hoseok:

namjoon: i mean well that's understandable

+

4500 words and 82 repeats of one dance by drake later

lmao this better get thousands of comments and a shoutout on Instagram from bang pd himself or i'm swinging

nah lmao i can't hurt you guys you're so nice to me thanks for still reading even though i suck at updates

hey shameless promo read kiwi by @evergreenyoongi 12/10 would recommend

- cyan