S 1 E 1 : "G E T  L O O S E"

[ [ camera pans to a shot of the seoul night skyline, followed by a glamour shot of the traffic and city life. cut to a neon sign which reads "PYRAMID" in glowing white characters. ] ]

[ [ cut to the inside of the club. the room is dim and bathed in black and white lighting and garnished by matching grey and blue furniture sets. all seven husbands are seated in the VIP section, sipping on beers and chatting lightly amongst themselves. the song that booms through the club is slow and  boring. ] ]

taehyung: it's lit as FUCK in here.

yoongi: god hates liars, taesung.

taehyung: it's taehyung. get it right, hunty.

yoongi: ..... anyway, [ rolls eyes ]

yoongi: what taesung meant to say is that it's boring as hell here. i want to go home to my seulgi and my bed.

namjoon: [ smiling ] aw shit! my boy yoongi is about to get some pussy!

seokjin: [ flicks namjoon's forehead ]

namjoon: but why though.

seokjin: stop cursing on TV you dick tits. oh, fuck! i just cursed again!

jungkook: maybe he wasn't trying to be sexual guys. you know yoongi's bed was his first love.

yoongi: nah i'm really tryin' to get some p--

seokjin: say it. i dare you.

yoongi: ...

yoongi: some pussywillow.

seokjin: ...

jimin: ...

namjoon: ...

hoseok: HOBI!

taehyung: ...

jungkook: i mean in his defense he's talking about a plant and not vagina this time.

hoseok: [ gasps, dramatically ] JEON JUNGKOOK!

jungkook: what i do?

hoseok: you are a child and a virgin! you cannot say that!

jungkook: [ laughs, putting his beer on the coffee table ] can't say what? vagina?

hoseok: JUNGKOOK!

jungkook: i can guarantee you i've seen a vagina before.

taehyung: [ cringing, under breath ] why he gotta say vagina though?

jimin: must be nice, jungkook. [ rolls eyes, taking a swig of beer ] you get to fuck whenever you want and you're 12, but soohyun won't even suck my dick anymore and i'm a grown ass man!

jimin: [ looks at camera ] my dick is going to shrivel up and die, soohyun!

- SEOKJIN -

"here goes park jimin again with that BS. it's always 'wah, wah, my dick is dry' or 'boohoo, i've been jacking off for eighty years'. no one cares! like, all he does is talk about his sad excuse of a sex life and complain. i thought yoongi was a complainer, but jesus christ! this motherfucker never shuts up! oh my god, jimin!

[ camera zooms in ]

please shut up! shut up! please!"

--

yoongi: how can you call yourself a grown man when our maknae is taller than you, jimin?

jimin: wow so it's like that huh?

seokjin: i just have so many questions. hmm.

yoongi: about?

seokjin: oh nothing. i'm just curious as to why you're talking about his height when you're a literal garden gnome, yoongi. [ smiles ]

yoongi: i was destined to be taller.

namjoon: hey guys who's the designated driver?

taehyung: the whom?

namjoon: the designated driver. you know, the person who drinks responsibly and stays sober so that we don't all die in a car crash tonight?

yoongi: well, i'm the bitch that everyone calls when they need to turn up, so it ain't me.

jimin: we know. that's your third beer. [ finishes his bottle and burps, seokjin side eyes him in disgust ] i hope you started a tab.

namjoon: okay but who's taking me home tonight.

jungkook: i think the real question is why isn't yoongi drunk yet.

yoongi: because i ain't a lightweight like you.

jungkook: you are right, that is correct.

seokjin: to answer your question namjoon, i arranged for us all to have my on-call chauffeur take us home.

hoseok: ooh, you got money.

namjoon: yeah, thanks, jin! [ places a hand on seokjin's shoulder ]

seokjin: [ raises brow, scowling at the contact ] no thanks. you're not allowed to call me "jin". we aren't friends. i just don't want to be held accountable if you guys don't make it home tonight because that'll look bad on me.

[ [ camera pans to a grinning and mischievous yoongi, who silently slips away from the group to make his first of many trips to the bar for the night. ] ]

seokjin: after all,

seokjin: [ looks into camera and flashes his trademark commercial smile ]

seokjin: i am an award-winning a-list actor, reality TV star and socialite. it's hard to relax when you're as busy as me, which is why i always love to unwind at the end of my with a bottle of mizo moscato™.

[ [ while seokjin continues his promotion, the other boys whisper amongst themselves. ] ]

taehyung: i know he's not promoting his moscato line.

jimin: this bitch is promoting his moscato line.

hoseok: you'd be surprised as to what this man will do for attention.

namjoon: not really. he's famous for being an attention whore.

jungkook: [ in awe ] but.... he's so.... charming... i'd actually buy it.

namjoon: don't waste your money. i don't even think it tastes that good. [ rolls eyes ]

seokjin: ... i go mizo. will you?

[ [ seokjin turns back to the boys ] ]

seokjin: so i heard you guys throwing subs just now like the @ feature isn't available.

[ looks into camera, smiling ]

a four pack of mizo moscato™ is only 9000 won at your local retail seller,

seokjin: [ looks back at boys ]

seokjin: but for the low price of free plus shipping and handling, you can all catch these hands.

seokjin: which leads me to my final question: namjoon, what's good?

all: ...

taehyung: ..... ok but where's yoongi?

- Y O O N G I -

"as soon as i heard seokjin say that he was paying for my ride home, my day was made. i was kind of counting on namjoon since he was my ride here, but he was pretty buzzed already and he's like the god of destruction so there was about a 100 percent chance we'd die in a freak accident. but now i don't need to be the designated driver so technically, i can drink as much as i want. i'm going to get *BEEP* wasted."

producer, behind camera: "yoongi, please don't get *BEEP* wasted."

"i'm gonna get *BEEP* wasted."

--

yoongi: another shot of ciroc!

bartender: dude you're on your fourth round and i don't think--

yoongi: hey. HEY! [ leans over counter toward the bartender, whispering ] another. fucking. shot of. the. ciroc.

bartender: ..... so another shot of the ciroc?

yoongi: [ smiling ] wow really? for me? oh my god thank you, you shouldn't have.

[ [ enter jungkook. he sits in the empty barstool beside yoongi, but yoongi doesn't pay him any mind. jungkook orders a fireball shot for himself then turns to his friend, who has just downed a shot of his own. ] ]

jungkook: hyung, if you keep drinking like this you're going to get alcohol poisoning.

yoongi: [ in a slurred, mocking voice ] hyung, if you keep drinking like this you're going to get alcohol poisoning.

jungkook: real mature.

yoongi: real mature.

jungkook: can you stop?

yoongi: can you stop?

jungkook: ....

yoongi: ....

jungkook: i like cock.

yoongi: same tbh.

jungkook: [ ???? ]

yoongi: honestly, you really shouldn't worry about me. you should be praying for my homie hobi instead.

jungkook: why?

yoongi: ain't nothing wrong with him, he just look like a horse.

[ [ both look over their shoulders at the many clubbers dancing. camera pans to the dancefloor where hoseok can be seen getting crunk to "hotline bling", alongside hype man, namjoon. ]]

hoseok: i'm your hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ [ camera pans back to the boys at the bar ] ]

jungkook: ah

jungkook: i see.

«

[ [ cut to jimin and taehyung back at the VIP section an hour later. seokjin has just abandoned them to promote his drink to other clubbers while namjoon and hoseok dance the night away. both are eating shrimp cocktails and laughing. ] ]

jimin: .... haha yeah, i remember that! i was so--

jimin: [ is distracted by the fat ass passing by in front of him ]

jimin: [ in awe, patting taehyung excitedly ] dat booty dat booty dat booty dat booty dat boo--

taehyung: can you stop being so perverted?

jimin: do you think she'll let me smash?

taehyung: you're married!

jimin: she looks like a hoe.

taehyung: jimin.

jimin: you think she'll take cash or credit?

taehyung: JIMIN.

jimin: she's wearing red bottoms so.....credit. she's definitely a credit kind of hoe.

taehyung: god has abandoned us.

jimin: i'm joking! [ laughs, clearly buzzed ] i don't love these hoes.

jimin: except soohyun. [ points to wedding band ] park soohyun, you my main hoe!!!!

taehyung: i'm so... i just don't know why i set my expectations for you so high.

jimin: i haven't gotten any ass in a month. cut me some slack.

taehyung: if soohyun watches this episode she won't be happy.

taehyung: then you'll really be in trouble.

taehyung: and you'll live a sad life in eternal sexile.

jimin: i know but it's just [ ogling at another passing ass ] it's just so much ass under one roof...

taehyung: [ sighing ] don't say i didn't warn you.

[ [ enter frantic hoseok, who runs in with a tipsy namjoon trailing behind him. namjoon trips and falls onto the glass coffee table and shatters it under his weight. namjoon passes out on contact. taehyung's jaw drops. jimin proceeds to laugh his ass off. ] ]

- J I M I N -

"[ endless laughter ]"

--

hoseok: [ breathless, looking at namjoon on the ground ] jesus... jesus fucking christ namjoon.

taehyung: what? what happened?

hoseok: [ holds up a finger ] .... just a.... just a sec.... i'm out of... breath....

jimin: are you serious right now? tell us what's going on!

hoseok: [ hands on knees, panting ] i was getting fuckin' lit.... on the dancefloor.... for twenty minutes straight..... i deserve... some oxygen.... you... you actual ballsack hair...

taehyung: did something happen or not???

hoseok: we just got a text from jungkook. he's at the hospital with yoongi.

taehyung: why?

hoseok: he passed out from alcohol poisoning. he might not make it through the night.

[ suspenseful theme music ]

+

BRUH WTF DID I JUST WRITE.

anyway this idea came to me after a seven hour kardashians binge and a dream about diva seokjin so hopefully you find this funny or i'm deleting this out of shame. so please please please tell me what you thought, i really would like to know!

- c y a n