Author: iammimi_22

1. Did the story hook me from the start?

Yes and no. Yes, because the story started with a bang and it got me riled up. It had me looking forward to the party and I anticipated something big to go down.

No, because a few paragraphs in, the story lost its momentum and went downhill fast. It lost its thrill and emotion; unintentionally turning it into an awkward cheesy romcom. I literally rolled my eyes at the 'bumping into him and spilling something' meet-up because it is so overused that it is a cliché at this point. The party I was looking forward to didn't feel like a party. It felt like a long boring meeting you get dragged into against your will.

I also lost interest because there were no stakes, or rather, the stakes were negligible. I mean, why are we trying to solve this mystery? Why is it important? What will happen if the mystery is not solved? What is our main character's motivation behind solving this case? Is she doing it because it is just another job assigned to her by her superior, or is there a particular reason she is interested in this case? Why her and not anyone else?

2. Were there any inconsistencies?

Yes. Yemisi is introduced as a detective hired by the late CEO who was already investigating a possible fraud. Since that's the case, her accepting Ibukun's offer to date to gain access to things isn't plausible because her position at the company already granted her more access to sensitive files/information than a girlfriend would get.

Also, Yemisi's behavior doesn't reflect her expertise. The way she gathers information is a little too sloppy and not suitable for a detective with enough experience in that field. If she were an armature, that would be fine.

I suggest doing more research in this area so as to craft a believable story.

3. Are the characters relatable?

For the most part, yes. Ibukun fits his role of a manipulative suspect and plays it well. Ireti also feels real and relatable as well as Ibukun's family. Of all the characters, Wale is my favorite.

However, Yemisi is not relatable from the beginning since she is supposed to be a great detective but doesn't act like it. She is easily manipulated into doing things and she doesn't seem to think things through. It would have been fine for an amateur or anyone else to act that way, but that is not a trait a good detective should have. She's being led by the nose and she goes along with it. And the funny part is that she thinks she has the upper hand the entire time.

4. Was there a point where the story lagged?

Yes. Chapter one wasn't intriguing enough and it felt more like a filler chapter rather than an actual chapter. The story started too early. I suggest you extract the core information, fix it somewhere in chapter two, and then cut out the rest of the chapter. Only the first part and the ending paragraphs intrigued me. The middle part felt unnecessary.

5. How did the story make me feel?

This is a tricky one. I loved it at first, but slowly lost interest as the story focused on the less relevant topics. Yemisi's character made me lose interest because I did not see anything to root for. I also felt the setup between the main leads was rushed. There is no tension at all that is commonly found in the 'enemies to lovers' troupe. Moreover, the story is tagged as a 'mystery-thriller' yet there is no thrill nor suspense typical for that particular tag. I did not hold my breath even once.

A little note: you are relying too much on visual descriptions. Incorporate other sensory descriptions to provide an immersive experience for the reader.

Inspirations:

Check out '7 Crows' by CrownedMadness