August 1963

John stared at Ruby in silence. Ruby wondered if she hadn't been slightly too detailed in her description, although she had missed out a lot of the really gory details.

'I'm so sorry, Ruby,' he said finally, his voice hoarse.

She smiled, trying to lighten the mood. 'It's alright, I told you, I'm fine. I thought I was dying at the time, but honestly I was fine by the next day - well, night anyway.' She laughed but John didn't join in.

'I should have been there with you.'

'Even if you were, there wouldn't have been anything you could have done. These things just happen sometimes.'

'I had no idea...'

'No, I know you didn't,' she said softly and took his hand. 'But at least I didn't actually end up at that horrible mother and baby place. I was dreading going. I was two days away from it too, when... when it happened.'

'That's why you didn't come home?'

'Well, partly I suppose. After all that happened, I just couldn't face going back to Liverpool and having to see...' She stopped herself.

'Me,' John finished for her.

'Not just you. Everyone. I told Spencer about it, in a moment of stupidity, and he's got a mouth like the Mersey tunnel. Plus there were all your friends who'd know and...'

'I didn't tell anyone,' John interrupted. 'I mean, I told Stu, but that was all.'

'Really? Oh. Well, that explains a lot then.'

'Do... Do you know what it was? What it was going to be, I mean? Before you, you know, lost it?'

Ruby frowned, considering John for a moment. 'It was a girl,' she said finally.

John sighed and looked at his feet, taking his hand back from her. Ruby watched him for a moment, wondering what to say. Eventually, she reached over and rubbed his back. 'Hey,' she said softly. 'Like I said, John, it's all okay now. You don't need to beat yourself up over it.'

He looked at her. 'It doesn't matter what decision I make, I always make the wrong choice.'

'That's not true.'

'Isn't it?'

'I didn't come here to bring all this up again. I didn't want to make you feel bad or guilty, really, John.'

'What did you come here for then?'

Ruby smiled. 'Just to see you. To see if... well, if I still had feelings for you.'

'Before you got hitched to that Billy?'

Ruby nodded.

'And do you?'

'Yes, obviously.'

John smiled faintly.

'But,' Ruby added quickly, 'that doesn't matter now. I was expecting just to see you and find out if I... if I still loved you, and then I'd know if marrying Billy would be a good idea or not. What I wasn't expecting was to find you with a wife and new baby.'

'No, I suppose not.'

'That's... it's just unbelievable. How long do you think you'll be able to keep that all a secret?'

'Not much longer if people keep blurting it out in public,' he said, but grinned to show he was joking. He fumbled in his trouser pockets, taking out a crushed packet of cigarettes, some coins, keys... 'Ruby...' He found what he was looking for and took it out of his pocket, shielding it with his hand from Ruby's view. 'If you still love me, then you can't marry Billy.'

Ruby pursed her lips, about to tell him that it was between her and Billy now - when John suddenly dropped onto one knee on the ground in front of her.

'What are you doing?' she said, smiling, thinking he was clowning around, like he used to when they were kids.

John offered up a ring to her. 'Ruby, marry me?' he asked with lopsided grin.

'Get up, you bloody idiot,' she laughed and then stopped when she looked at it properly. 'Is that -- is that my ring? Billy's ring?'

John got up and joined her on the bench again. 'Well, not anymore,' he said, slightly petulantly. 'Finders keepers.'

'Where did you get it?' Ruby cried, trying to take it off John. John held it away from her.

'Hold on -- I found it. On the rocks on the beach.'

'That's where I dropped it!'

'Ah, ah,' John said, holding it further from her reach and holding Ruby back with his other arm. 'It's mine now. Give me your hand. We'll do it properly or not at all.'

'Not at all then! Give it here.'

John shook his head defiantly. Ruby sighed and relinquished. 'Fine,' she said, holding her left hand out. John smiled triumphantly and straightened himself up. Turning back to her, he slid the ring on to her finger and Ruby took her hand back to inspect it.

'I should have been the one to give you an engagement ring,' John said, serious now.

Ruby shook her head. 'I honestly didn't want to you to, John. Not then.'

'How about now?'

'Unless you fancy a new career in bigamy, I don't think thats a viable option.'

'So that's not a straight 'no' then.'

'Ever the optimist.'

'If Cyn hadn't turned up this morning, what would you have done, Rube? Would you have given Billy the elbow and come off with me?'

She twisted the ring around on her finger. 'No... Yes... I don't know. It's all moot now anyway.'

'No it's not. Look Ruby, when we were kids I was an idiot. I shoulda never let you go. Me finding this ring - it's a sign, isn't it? That we should be together.'

'Or that you should let me go to Billy. It is his ring after all.'

'No,' John was on his feet now. 'No, it means it should have been me who gave you the ring. Not him. You don't love him, do you? It's me you love...' He took Ruby's hand and pulled her up, wrapping his arms around her waist, holding her close.

Ruby pulled back from him slightly, not sure where this was going. 'Just, hold on, John. I never said...'

He cut her off with a kiss, kissing her hard, passionately and well, it's very hard to say no to John Lennon when he kisses you like that.

'We'll run away,' he said, breaking off from her, his eyes flashing with -- something? What? Passion, excitement, danger? Ruby untangled herself from his arms, feeling hot suddenly.

'Calm down, John,' she said, firmly. 'You're getting carried away. We can't run away...'

'Yes. Yes, we can. Bloody hell, Ruby...' He checked his watch. 'Come on,' he said, grabbing her hand. 'The train station. We'll go to London... and the rest we'll work out as we go along.'

'Wait, wait,' Ruby said, as John tugged her into a fast walk, breaking into a run. 'Haven't you got a show to do? John? WAIT!'

* * *

There's something strange about train stations. They're always draughty and cold, even on hot summer days like this one. They're always dark and gloomy, even when shafts of bright August sunshine fall through the dirty, translucent roof. And they're always lonely, desolate places, even when they're full with people, tourists, commuters, run-aways.

John stood at the back of the platform, stooped slightly and turned into an alcove in the wall, hoping he wouldn't be recognised. He took his last cigarette from his screwed up packet and paused. He should save it really. It was a long journey from here to London. He'd definitely need one or two between there and here. There wasn't a machine anywhere to be seen and it had been such a battle getting Ruby here in the first place, he wasn't about to jeopardise it by going out to buy a packet of fags.

He stuck the final cigarette between his lips and lit it anyway, dropping the empty box onto the platform floor. A breeze took it off almost instantly, down the platform and then disappearing from sight on to the tracks.

He blew out a large plume of smoke. He was outwardly calm, still, but a hundred things ran through his mind at a rate he could hardly keep track. What was he doing? What was he really doing? Is this what he wanted?

He imagined Paul, George and Ringo - they would probably already be combing the town for him. Mal zipping round in his little van, search for the errant Beatle. Arguing about if, when, they should call Brian and inform him one quarter of his headline act has gone AWOL. They might have even called the police.

And what about Cynthia? John tried to picture her face when someone broke the news to her - Paul, probably - He's gone, Cyn. He'd no idea how she'd react. She would be upset, sure, but John wondered if there wouldn't be an underlining relief to it all. Thing had been tense between them for a while. Since Julian was born. She wasn't happy about being his dirty little secret. And she had a point really. Perhaps this would give her an out. She'd be grateful in the long run.

Yeah, you just tell yourself that. That annoying inner voice was back again, then.

He thought about Julian. His poor baby boy. Not a clue about the chaos that surrounded him. He'd seemed much bigger this morning than the last time John had seen him, and that was what, only a couple of weeks ago. John wondered how much bigger he would be the next time he saw him. Not even five months old yet and here was his father, running out on him. Just like John's own dad before him.

He pushed the thoughts from his mind. London. That's what he needed to concentrate on. Get to London. Get back into the city, away from this claustrophobic tiny town. The city promised a certain degree of anonymity, freedom, relief - even for a Beatle.

Ruby returned, a worried expression etched on her face.

'D'you get the tickets?' John asked, gruffly.

She nodded. 'Yes, but... John, are you sure about this?'

'Yes, of course I am,' he snapped. 'Stop asking, will you? Anyone would think you didn't want to come with me.'

He looked at her. Perhaps for the first time ever, he properly looked at her. She stood before him in her summer dress, matching kitten heels with a rounded toe on her feet. She'd tied her hair back with a piece of red ribbon.

'It's not that,' she said. 'It's just I don't think you're thinking this through properly. There's a Beatles show starting in less than an hour.'

'They'll manage.'

'Without Beatle John?' She smiled, trying to cheer him up.

'Beatle fuckin' John. Who the hell is that, Ruby? Coz I don't know...' His voice trailed off.

Ruby. He'd always thought of her as the one who'd got away. But that wasn't strictly true, was it? She'd been sent away. And he was as much responsible for that as anyone else. He couldn't have handled it worse. He'd been nineteen, fucking terrified, and totally clueless. But that wasn't an excuse, was it?

'Did I ruin your life, Rube?' he blurted out suddenly.

She looked at him strangely. 'Of course not. Why would you say that?'

'It's just... you had all those plans, what you were going to do. And you didn't get to do any of it, did you? I got you knocked up and you got sent away, and now here you are, still. Stuck in nowhere. Doing nothin'.'

'Speak for yourself.'

'That's just it, though. It's not fair, is it? I... I've done all this, and you... I got away with it and you had to cope with it all on your own.'

She smiled sadly and moved closer to him. 'Don't,' she said softly. 'Don't be sorry for what happened. What's past is past. It's the future you need to think about. What you've done with the Beatles is everything you ever wanted, isn't it? To make it big with your band?'

He took her hand and shook his head. 'This is everything I've wanted.'

Ruby looked at him strangely. 'I... I wish that was true, John but...'

'Don't tell me what I feel, Ruby.' John's temper flared. 'Everyone has always been tellin' me what I should feel, what I should do, all my bloody life.'

The train was coming now. He could see it further down the tracks, approaching.

'I can't let you give everything up for...'

'For what? For you?'

'For just a whim, John. Because you're feeling guilty.'

He kissed her, passionately and desperately. When he released her she looked at him, lost for words for once. She opened her mouth to speak, but hesitated. She shook her head. 'You're married, John.'

'That can change.'

'You've got a small baby, who needs you.'

'Do you love me, Ruby?'

'You can't just leave them. They both need you...'

'Just answer me.'

'Yes. Yes, I love you. You know that.'

'Then that's all that matters, isn't it?'

The train finally pulled into the station and stopped, releasing steam in a loud gush.

'Unfortunately it's not all that matters John,' Ruby shouted above the noise of the train, the carriage doors slamming as people started to climb in. John looked at her. 'Other people matter, jobs, responsibilities.'

'You're startin' to sound like my Aunt Mimi,' John said, meaning it to be a joke, but it somehow came out harsher than he'd intended. He took Ruby's hand again. 'Come on,' he said, softer now. 'Everything will be alright, Rube, I promise.'

'Speaking of which...' Ruby started, but John wasn't listening, too busy fumbling with the catch on one of the train carriage doors.

* * *

John flopped down in the leather seat, hands folded in his lap. Ruby considered him a moment before sliding into the seat opposite, a small formica covered table in between them. His hair was ruffled and his white shirt creased, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. He had no jacket, no bag, nothing else. Whatever the reason John had come to find her, he clearly hadn't planned this far ahead. He stared out of the window as Ruby watched him.

'Might as well kill two birds,' he said quietly, more to himself.

'What?' Ruby asked.

He turned to her. 'Stop off in, uh, whatever that village was called, you can tell that Billy fella and then we'll go on to London. Should be there by tonight.'

'Simple as that?'

'Yeah. I'll call Brian when we get there. Tell him what's happened.'

'What has happened, John?'

He shot her a look as if she'd insulted him.

'I mean, okay, we'll go to London, but what then?'

'Fuck, I don't know, Ruby...'

'What about the band and...?'

He returned to watching the train station platform outside. Nearly everyone had boarded now. It would be leaving in two minutes. As if on cue, the train whistled loudly.

Ruby straightened her back in her seat. She laid her hands on the table in front of her and took a deep breath. 'There's something else you should know. Before, when you said...

'I love you, Ruby,' John said suddenly, cutting her off. He reached across the table and took her hand. 'I always have done. I've acted like a prick in the past, but... I never meant to hurt you. I wish... I wish things could have been different.' As suddenly he'd spoken he stood, leaned awkwardly over the table and kissed her. ... When he released her, she had to take a moment to gather her senses. When she opened her eyes he was smiling.

'Don't ever forget that,' he said softly. 'I love you, Ruby and I always will.'

'I love you too, John...'

He sat down again, then only a couple of seconds later he was up again. 'You know, I really had better call Brian now. It's not fair otherwise. He's worked really hard for the group. If I warn him now that I'm not going to be there, he can perhaps get someone into sub. At least til we've thought what to do. I'll... I'll just nip and give him a bell.'

Train doors were slamming shut.

'Back in a moment.'

'John, the train's going.'

'Won't take a sec.' He looked at her, lingering for just a beat and then he was gone.

Ruby leaned back in her seat. She still had the two train tickets in her hand. It would only take about fifteen minutes to get to the village, the first stop along the line. For some reason, she had the feeling that it would also be the last stop.

Outside the train guard whistled, someone else shouted. Ruby leaned around in her seat, looking for John. She already knew, deep down, what he was doing, but still she held onto the hope that she'd see him coming back, climbing on board.

The train began to move, very slowly, gaining momentum gradually. As it chugged out from the station, Ruby saw John standing at the furthest end of the platform, alone. As her carriage passed him, he gave a small shrug and raised a hand in a wave. She waved back to him, giving him a sad smile. The train emerged from the station and John began to retreat into the distance. Ruby pressed herself against the window, watching him until she couldn't see him anymore. John never could say goodbye.