August 1963

You're a coward, John told himself. When are you going to grow up and start acting like a man? You had the chance. You had the chance to make things right. Make things like you want them.

Ah, but, that's the million dollar question, isn't it? What do you want?

He'd been standing at the bedroom window for the last fifteen minutes; ever since he'd watched Ruby storm her way out of the hotel, down the path and turning to the left, out of view. She hadn't looked back.

He'd stayed standing at the window, just in case she returned. She hadn't told Cynthia. He supposed he should be grateful for that. Oh, then perhaps it would have been better if she just had.

Yeah, done your dirty work for you, eh? Said that annoying voice inside his head.

The bedroom door creaked as someone pushed it open. He turned sharply, thinking momentarily it might be Ruby, and then realising how stupid that was.

Cynthia came in, carrying the baby basket with Julian inside. She set it down carefully on the bed. John crossed to look down at the baby. He'd grown. Even in the short time John had been away, he'd grown noticeably.

'It's a lovely day outside,' Cyn said from beneath the brim of a large straw sun hat. 'Paul was just showing me the gardens at the front of the hotel. There's such beautiful roses.'

Paul. Saved the day again. What would he do without him? That will be why Ruby didn't meet Cynthia on her way out.

'Julian's all restless,' Cyn continued. 'I thought I would take him down to the beach. Get some fresh air.'

'Okay.' He put his hand down to his baby son and stroked his cheek with two fingers. Julian gurgled happily.

Cynthia looked up at him. She looked quite pretty in her sun dress and enormous straw hat. There was a pink rosiness in her cheeks. John had to smile. 'You can come with us, if you like,' she asked charily.

'You know I can't,' John said softly and with genuine regret. A day with her and the baby were probably just what he should do. Push the memory of Ruby and all that as far from his mind as he could. He would manage it too. Before yesterday he hadn't thought of Ruby in ages. Until she waltzed in here. Upsetting everything. Now it all felt like it happened just five minutes ago.

'I'm sure you could if you wanted to,' Cyn replied, sounding hurt.

'It's not that I don't want to...'

'Yes, of course you do,' she replied, sarcastically.

'Cyn, please, lets not fight. You've only just got here.' He came around the side of the bed and pulled her closer to him, resting his hands on her waist.

She pursed her lips. 'Okay,' she said with a short sigh. 'Perhaps we'll see you later then?'

'Course you will. Come to the show if you want.'

'What, with this little one in tow?' She asked, shaking John off and turning to lift Julian out of the carry cot.

'Alright, after then. We'll do something special,' John said, smoothing Julian's wispy hair down and then leaning in to kiss Cyn. She kissed him back but then pulled away. He moved to kiss her again but she shook her head, hitching Julian up on her hip.

'Later,' she said softly.

* * *

Four Years Ago

'Are you alright, love? You look like you've lost a crown and found a sixpence.'

'Hmm?' Ruby looked up to find Spencer standing over her holding an armful of papers. He smiled kindly.

'I've brought these for you. The scripts for next week. You do still want to..?'

'Oh, Spence, I, um, yes, I suppose I'll take them.'

He awkwardly passed her the tattered scripts and loose sheets. 'They just need sorting and highlighting,' he said. Ruby nodded her head absently. 'Are you okay, Ruby? You do look down in the dumps.'

She forced a smile. 'No, I'm fine, really.'

He considered her for a moment.

'I've just got something on my mind.'

'Not that pillock of a boyfriend of yours, is it?' Spencer asked wryly. He sat down on the wooden steps beside her, even though there wasn't really enough space. 'Come on, tell me about it,' he coaxed. 'You'll feel better.'

Ruby shrugged. 'It's nothing,' she replied.

'Fallen out?'

'Something like that.'

'Well, Ruby, you know what I think about him. A girl like you could do so much better than a yob like that one.'

'Yeah,' she said, not sounding convinced.

'Tell you what,' Spencer put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a comforting squeeze. 'After tonights rehearsal let's go for a cup of coffee somewhere and you can tell me all about it.'

'Oh, I can't really. I'd better be getting home...'

'Nonsense. I insist. I...'

'Ruby?'

Ruby started at the sound of his voice. She looked up to see John standing over the two of them. The big navy overcoat he always wore was buttoned up to the top. He gripped a satchel strap on his shoulder.

'Can I have a word?' he asked, meekly.

'What... How did you get in here?!' Spencer demanded, getting up. 'This is a closed... this is private property. You can't just walk in like that.'

'I knocked. There was no one there,' John said plainly, no sign of his usual cockiness.

'I must insist you leave immediactly,' Spencer squared up to him, pointing towards the door. John's mouth twisted. Ruby could tell he was biting back words.

'It's okay, Spence,' she said, standing. 'What do you want, John?'

'I... we need to talk.'

'I think you've said all you need to already.'

'No, I...'

'You heard her,' Spencer cut in. 'You're not welcome here. And as this theatre's director, if you don't leave this instant I shall be forced to...'

'Alright, alright, don't get your knickers in a twist,' John snapped back, turning towards the exit. 'I'm going.'

Unexpectedly, Ruby felt her stomach turn over at the thought of John leaving - she hadn't seen him for two weeks and if he left now, she might never again.

'John!' she blurted out.

He stopped and turned back to her, a faint smile on his lips.

'I'll just be two minutes,' Ruby said to Spencer.

Spencer looked from her to John and then back again. 'I'll be in the next room if you need me, love,' he said, a warning tone in his voice, as he backed out of the room.

Ruby crossed and closed the door quietly behind him. 'The rehearsals start in a moment,' she said, crossing her arms, refusing to look directly at John. 'So you'd better make it quick. You know you're not meant to come here. Spencer doesn't like it.'

John snorted at that last comment, but let it go. He was definitely on his best behaviour. John let the bag drop from his shoulder to the floor. 'I couldn't think where else to find you.'

Ruby didn't reply. She could already feel tears threatening in her eyes. She was determined not to cry in front of him. Not again. Never again.

'I'm sorry, Ruby,' he said softly, and now she had to look at him. He looked earnest. No trace of the usual sarcastic smirk on his face. 'I'm sorry I said all those things,' he continued. 'I... I just panicked, that's all.'

'So you do accept that this is...' her voice trailed off. She couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. Telling him the first time had been difficult enough - and then her mother too - she couldn't say it again.

John nodded. 'Yes.'

'...And?'

'And... I don't know, Rube. What do you want from me?'

'Nothing. I just want... I just want... you.'

He frowned.

'Have you told your Aunt Mimi yet?'

John's eyes widened at the suggestion. 'Bloody hell, no. She'd murder me.'

Ruby sighed. 'Well, you'll have to. Look, John, I'm not trying to press gang you into marrying me, you know. You can... I don't want to... I just don't know what to do.' The last word ended in a stifled sob, despite herself.

John moved closer to her, tentatively putting his arms around her waist. She thought about pushing him away, but honestly, it just felt so good to be near him again she couldn't find the strength to. He kissed the top of her head, and she rested it on his shoulder.

'Don't worry, love. We'll find a way out of it,' he murmured into her hair.

Ruby gave a wry laugh. 'Really? How? I don't think there's any way out this mess.'

John took a deep breath. She felt him tense. 'There are things that can be done.'

'What?'

'I don't know. I've heard about stuff... Drinking gin and having a hot bath.'

She leaned back from him. 'Don't be daft, that's an old wives tale.'

'Pills then. I... I heard off some fella that you can buy pills to... y'know.'

'What kind of 'pills'?'

He shrugged.

'Where would you get them from?'

He shrugged again.

'That's not a whole lot of use then, is it?'

'I could ask around.'

She shook her head. 'I couldn't anyway. I've told my mother now. She'd never let me...'

'Oh, Ruby, for Christssakes. When are you going to stop being ordered around by that old bag and make your own choices? It's you thats got live with it. Not her.'

She untangled herself from him. Here was the John Lennon she'd been expecting. That nicey-nice act didn't last long. 'This is all your fault,' she stated flatly, folding her arms defiantly over her chest.

'My fault? Bloody would be, wouldn't it? Nothing to do with you.'

'Of course it is. You didn't take care. You just didn't bother, did you? And now look where we are.'

'Take...?'

'It's the man's job to do that.'

John folded his arms too. 'Well, there's no point in arguing about that now, is there? It's not going to change anything. Look, don't cry, Ruby.'

She angrily wiped away the tear which had escaped down her cheek.

'There's... there's other things we could do...'

'What?'

'I've heard about this fella before. I think he's got a place on Toxteth Street in town. He's a doctor. He's supposed to... help girls in trouble. If we can get the money together...'

Ruby stared at him horrified. 'Help girls how?'

'You know. Get rid.'

'John! I'm not...'

He spread his hands to her. 'What other choice have we got, Rube? Think about it, please. It's not nice, but it's a means to an end. It means it won't ruin everything.'

'No...'

'Just think about it for a moment...'

'For one thing, John, it's against the law, and -'

'Half the bleeding things that go on in this town are against the law.'

'There was a woman in the Dingle that they jailed for doing that.'

John was silent, his jaw set.

'No. No sorry, John. I can't do that. We'll... have to think of something else.'

'You said yerself. There isn't anything else to do.'

'Just... just leave, John. Please.'

'Leave? Bloody leave?' He grabbed his bag from the floor. 'Fine. Bloody be like that then. If you... If you think I'm marrying you, you've got another think coming.'

'I've told you. I don't want you to...' But he'd gone, slamming the door in his wake.

* * *

August 1963

John kissed Cynthia goodbye on the steps at the back of the hotel. She pushed him away playfully. 'Your fans will be jealous,' she said teasingly.

'Let 'em be,' John said, running his hands over her hips, although he'd already checked there weren't any waiting out there for them. The last thing he needed right now was for the 'John Lennon's Secret Wife and Child' story to break.

'You're in a funny mood today,' she said, smiling. 'It must be the sunshine.'

She kissed him again, just a peck this time on his lips and then lifting Julian's carry cot headed off, waving to Ringo who leaned on the car, smoking. Ringo raised his hand to her as she passed.

John watched Cynthia leave and then joined Ringo next to the car. 'Uh, thanks for not saying anything last night.'

Ringo shook his head, running his tongue over his lips. 'None of my business, is it?'

'Ruby's gone now,' John continued.

'I didn't think you had her stashed somewhere,' he replied briskly.

John put his head on one side. Animosity was unusual coming from Ringo. George and Paul - and yeah, okay, himself - were all sulkers, snappers, whiners. Ringo never. The term 'happy go lucky' could have been coined for him. There was never a scowl on Ringo's face. Except for now, that is.

Ringo flicked away the end of his cigarette and stepped on it with his boot, before opening the car door to get inside.

'Are you mad with me?' John asked, following him inside.

Ringo turned away from him, looking out of the window. 'No.'

'You are,' John said jokingly, trying to dig his fingers into Ringo's ribs, hoping to raise a smile from the drummer.

Ringo pushed him away with one arm, firmly. 'I heard that Ruby got herself in trouble with some lad,' he said sharply. 'Got shipped off when he wouldn't marry her. I just didn't know the lad was you, that's all.'

John bristled and leaned back in his seat. 'That's not fair, Ringo. You weren't there. You didn't know what it was like.'

'Well, like I said, none of my business.'

'No it isn't.' Silence descended as John sat there, fuming, trying to contain it. 'I was nineteen,' he said eventually.

'Yeah, and she was what? Seventeen? Eighteen? And you're only twenty-two now. Hardly a big gap.'

A massive gap, John thought but didn't say it.

'You married Cynthia,' Ringo said.

'That was different.'

'How? How was it different?'

'What's it got to do with you, anyway? What are you? Ruby's fucking boyfriend or somat?'

Ringo tutted. 'I just can't stand blokes who get girls in trouble and then... abandon them.'

'I... Can we just drop it?'

'Yes,' Ringo agreed and returned to staring out of the window.

* * *

Four Years Ago

For three days, John waited. He loitered on the green in the middle of the circle where Ruby lived, until he began to feel a bit sinister and he'd give up and go home. Ruby's mother came and went from the house, but Ruby didn't appear. Whenever John saw her mother go out, he'd go and knock on the door, peep through the letterbox and front window, but there was no sign of her. Finally, on the morning of the fourth day, fed up, and accepting that she wasn't there, he went straight across and knocked on the door.

Initially there was no reply, but he knew someone was home. He could hear a radio playing somewhere. He knocked again, more insistently. And then one more time for good measure.

The door was flung open by Ruby's mother; red faced and furious.

'What?' she snapped.

'I need to speak to Ruby,' John said, keeping his voice level but also what he hoped came across as firm.

A sick smile crossed the woman's face. 'Well, you can't, can you?'

'Please, I need to speak to Ruby,' he repeated, louder.

'I've seen you standing over there,' she said. 'Hanging around like a bad penny. Haven't you figured it out yet? She's gone. She's gone somewhere where you won't find her. She's finally rid of you.'

'Look, I'm sorry, Mrs Hendry,' John spoke slowly, calmly. He was actually impressing himself. 'I need to talk to Ruby. And I need to talk to her now.'

'Just who do you think you are, coming round here, making demands?'

'We've got things to discuss.'

'Are you deaf? I've already told you, she's not here. She's left. Out of your reach.'

'You've sent her away?'

Mrs Hendry moved to close the door on John. John stuck his foot out to stop it closing.

'Give me the address.'

'Not a chance.'

'We've got things to discuss. I know you're her mother, but she's an adult now. She needs to make her own mind --'

'You've nothing to discuss. You had your chance. You've shown your true colours, John Lennon. Now, go on, clear off. If I see you hanging around here again, I shall call the police.' She tried to slam the door shut, but John moved himself into the gap, pushing back. The woman wasn't very strong and he easily overpowered her. She let go of the door suddenly and it smashed against the wall.

'Everything okay, Mrs Hendry?' John turned to see a small old woman standing at the bottom of the short path that led to the house.

'Yes, yes, fine, thank you, Mrs Wheeldon!' Ruby's mother called back, cheerily. She closed the door on the street as the old woman tried to peer around it at John, then turned back to John, a perfect picture of fury on her face. John could see where Ruby got it from.

'I need to know where Ruby is,' John repeated, careful to keep his voice down. 'Where have you sent her?'

'I haven't sent her anywhere You did, when you got her into this mess and then left her to it.'

'That... That was a mistake. I've already apologised to Ruby --'

'Oh, yes, would that be when you suggested she went to see some backstreet abortionist?'

John cringed inwardly. For God's sakes, Ruby, do you have to tell your bloody mother everything?!

'I didn't mean... Look, these are things between me and Ruby. Please just tell me where you've sent her. I'm... I'm gonna take care of her and the baby when it comes.'

Mrs Hendry shook her head, laughing hollowly. 'What baby is that, then?'

John stared at her, seriously wondering if she wasn't just on the edge of insane.

'Ruby's gone away for the Summer. When she comes back, there will be no baby, no stigma following her for the rest of her life. And you, you will keep away from her and keep your mouth shut. As far as you're concerned, you never knew her, there never was any baby.'

'Well, what's going to happen to it?'

She rolled her eyes. 'The baby will be adopted. Given to a family that can better raise it.'

John stepped towards the front door, defeated. Mrs Hendry opened it for him. 'Going so soon? What a pity,' she said sarcastically. 'Why look so sad, John? You're off the hook, aren't you?

'I won't give up on Ruby,' John said, pausing on the threshold. 'God knows, with you as her mother, she'll need all the help she can get.' He didn't look back when he heard the door slam behind him.

* * *

August 1963

In the stuffy theatre dressing room, three bored Beatles bemoaned their lot as they attempted to amuse themselves and pass the time before the next Beatles show. Sitting in the corner, John listened to their complaints and gripes, while pretending he wasn't. Fiddling with his acoustic guitar idly, he twisted a machine head until finally the string snapped and lashed his index finger. John put his finger in his mouth, as he struggled to control his temper. The tiny cut was only just deeper than a paper cut, but just as sharply stinging.

'It wouldn't be so bad if there was anywhere to go,' Paul was saying. 'But there's just nothing here, is there?'

'There's pubs,' Ringo replied and John looked over at him. It was just about the only two words he'd uttered since they'd arrived. He'd sulked all the way here, although Paul and George didn't seem have noticed. Then he'd parked himself in a chair and sulked some more, silent, just tapping his drumsticks on the edge of the dressing table every so often. John was sure he was doing it just to annoy him.

Ringo, the traditional family man. Who would have thought it?

'Yeah, but we can't go in any, can we?' Paul said. 'Because heaven forbid that should happen.'

'Well, you know why that is,' George said, grinning. 'You can go in any pub you like, Paul. Just don't be surprised when you get torn limb from limb by the crazed fans.'

Paul shrugged and muttered something under his breath.

'We had that trip to Liverpool the other night,' George continued without looking up, idly strumming at his own guitar.

'Oh yeah, that was great, wasn't it?' Paul said sarcastically. 'The inside of a TV studio and than back to the lap of luxury at Yr Gorsef Guest...'

'Can you lot give it a rest for two minutes?' John growled, cutting Paul off.

Paul turned to him. 'What?'

'Complaining about every little thing,' John said, dropping his guitar down to the floor, holding its neck resting on his thigh. 'This is what you wanted, isn't it?'

'What I wanted?' Paul repeated. 'I wanted a stinky theatre dressing room and a shitty guest house in Wales?'

'You wanted to be famous, didn't you? A successful pop star? Well, this is the price, son. Locked up like a criminal because your too famous. Too famous to go outside.'

'He's just a bit stir crazy, that's all,' George said. 'We all are. You as well.'

John stood up, leaning the guitar against the chair's arm. 'Need more strings,' he mumbled as he crossed the room to the door.

'It's the sound check in a minute,' Ringo said as he passed him, tapping the edge of the dressing table with a drumstick again.

'Yeah, can't play with only five strings, can I?' John said and opened the door.

'John?' Paul called, following him as John stepped into the dark, narrow corridor outside.

'What?' he snapped, stopping.

'You alright?'

'Yes. Paul, will you stop nagging me?' He turned and walked off, only aware a few seconds later that Paul was still following him.

'I thought you were getting more strings,' Paul said, jogging to draw level with John. He glanced back over his shoulder.

'I am, in a minute. Going for a smoke outside. You just said yourself we're all going stir crazy.'

Paul pursed his lips. 'George said that...' His voice trailed off.

John turned sharply and shoved a fire escape door open. Paul, not expecting it, walked on for a step before he doubled back to join John, standing in the small enclosed yard at the back of the theatre.

'Everything okay with Cyn?' Paul asked, as John leaned on a near by bin to light his cigarette.

'Yes, why wouldn't it be?' John replied pointedly and as an after thought, offered Paul his cigarette packet. Paul took one and John tossed him his cigarette lighter.

'Just cos, y'know,' Paul said, in between lighting the cigarette. He exhaled a large cloud of smoke. 'Cyn turning up rather early this morning.'

John shrugged. 'Ruby hid in the bathroom. Cyn didn't notice,' he said, softer now.

'Julian's growing fast.'

'Yeah.' A pause. Inside the theatre some drums started up. 'Ruby wasn't very pleased though.'

'You didn't tell her?'

John glowered. 'No, of course not. Would you?' Paul shrugged casually and John thought, he probably would, the pillock.

'Still, for the best, isn't it?' Paul said.

'What is?'

'Ruby. Leaving and that. You couldn't very well carry on with her.'

John bristled. 'Why couldn't I?'

Paul frowned. 'Because you're married to Cynthia, dumbo. Even if Cyn didn't find out, do you think Ruby would put up with that?'

John sighed. 'You heard what Ringo said anyway. Ruby's engaged to some other fella anyway.'

'Yeah,' Paul nodded. 'And you don't want to end up being the reason they split up.'

'You seem to know a lot about what I do and don't want.'

'You don't need to snap at me every two minutes.'

John bit his lip and scuffed his shoe on the ground, avoiding Paul's eyes.

'Not even more than a week ago, I overheard you on the phone to Cyn when we were in Jersey telling her how much you loved and missed her,' Paul continued.

John looked up. 'I was pissed then, wasn't I?' he replied petulantly.

'Doesn't mean it wasn't true. You can't have fallen out of love with Cyn inside of a week.'

'I haven't, it's...' He sighed resignedly. 'It's different with Ruby. You don't understand.'

'Tell me then.'

John looked at him, considering for a moment but then shook his head. 'It's just unfinished business with Ruby. That's all.'

Paul took a long drag on his cigarette as he thought. 'I remember you going out with Ruby, but not for all that long.' He looked at him. 'I don't remember her at any of the Beatles gigs or that. Cynthia was there, but never Ruby. In fact, I remember you dumping Ruby in favour of Cyn.'

'I didn't do that...'

'Yeah, you did. I remember you in the pub one night, rolling drunk, declaring undying love for Cyn, and some poor sod asked you about Ruby and you nearly leapt down his throat.'

John ran his hand through his hair. 'I don't remember.'

'He asked you where she was and you said somat like, "Ruby, who the fucks that?"' He laughed.

'We must have just split up.'

'Then you fell out with Stu over Cyn. I thought you were still with Ruby at that time, but...'

'With Stu?'

'Yeah, you remember. He had the audacity to dance with her one night. You went nuts. I remember him telling me,' Paul laughed.

'What did he tell you?'

'Just that. The point being, John, you picked Cyn over Ruby once. Don't chuck it all away, just because the grass is always greener.'

John flicked the butt of his cigarette into the drain. 'It wasn't that simple, Paul.'

He straightened up and walked to the furthest point of the small yard. A head height brick wall ran around the length of it. John lifted onto his tip toes to try and see over. Beyond the wall was a ginnel, and beyond that he couldn't see.

Paul stepped towards him. 'What are you doing?' he said, a warning tone in his voice.

'Escaping for a bit.'

'It's the sound check in a minute.'

John snapped his head round to him. 'Oh, so what? The world won't end if I miss it, will it?' He put his hands palm down on the top of the wall, and in a manner certainly less dignified than he'd envisioned, scrambled up it to sit astride it. Paul joined him and tugged at his trouser leg. For a moment John though he might try and pull him down.

'Where are you going? You can't just leave.'

'Watch me.'

'Are you going to find her?'

John lifted his other leg over and looked down. The ground was a bit lower on the other side.

'You can't, John! She'll be long gone, anyway. Brian will go mad when he hears.'

He glanced back at Paul. His looked flustered, his cheeks starting to colour a bright crimson. 'You gonna tell on me, la?'

'This is stupid. Climb back over.'

'I've got to do it, Paul. I've got to give it a chance. I'm not losing her again.'

'Give what a chance? John come back.'

John tried to lower himself down off the wall, but had to drop the last two feet. 'Ow,' he mumbled to himself as he landed awkwardly, twisting his left ankle slightly.

'John!' Paul shouted from the other side of the wall.

'Don't ask me to choose between you, Paul,' he shouted back.

'What? Choose between what?'

'Ruby and... the band.'

'What?! John!'

'I'll be back in a bit.'

He turned and half walked, half jogged down the ginnel, Paul's voice fading quickly behind him.

* * *

Four Years Ago

John forced his way through the door before Stuart had a chance to open it fully. The door flung back out of his grasp and hit the wall hard, making it shake. Before Stuart could react John shoved him just as hard. Stuart banged into the wall behind him, a look of surprise on his face.

'What the fuck did you think you were doin'?' John spat, his face inches from Stu's. 'Waiting til I was out of the way? D'yer fancy 'er then?'

'What the hell...'

'Don't bloody come it, la, I saw you, remember? I saw how you were lookin' at her!'

'Did you now, you bloody idiot? That was three days ago. Took you this long to figure it out, eh?' Stu shouted back and shoved John in the chest hard.

John stumbled back against the other wall and blinked in surprise. He couldn't recall if Stu had ever yelled at him before, never mind shove him. Still, now was not the time to back down.

'Some fuckin' mate you are! Tryin' it on with Cyn as soon as my back is turned!'

'She tell you that?'

No. 

'I could see for myself!'

'God, John, you can be really bleedin' thick sometimes!'

John launched himself forward at Stu with a guttural growl, fist clenched and raised. Stu drew back slightly but didn't flinch away like John had expected. John paused, just short of smacking his fist into Stu's jaw. Their eyes locked.

'You wanna hit me, come on then!' Stu shouted. 'If that's what you bloody think, what are you waiting for?!'

John stared at him a moment before turning away, fist dropping to his side like a lead weight. He stomped across the room, into the flat and dropped on to the mattress in the middle of it. Aware of Stu staring at him, he drew his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them, hiding his face.

After a moment, Stu walked across the room slowly and dropped down next to John. They sat in silence for another pause before John lifted his head. 'She's gone, Stu,' he said, his voice sounding oddly strangled.

'Cyn's gone?' Stu asked, confused.

'She's gone an' I don't know where.'

Stu considered him then sighed. 'We're talkin' about Ruby now then?'

John gave a short nod.

'I thought you'd packed her in. You said you'd had enough of her.'

'Not exactly,' John said morosely, hating the way he was sounding but unable to change it.

Stu frowned. 'So what happened?'

John ran a hand through his hair.

'Tell Uncle Stu,' he coaxed with a small smile.

John sighed and stood up, pacing to the window of the flat. 'She's pregnant,' he said quietly.

'Right,' Stu said flatly.

John looked down on the street below. An old lady wrapped in a head scarf and a thin coat was struggling with a heavy shopping bag. He watched her make her slow, difficult journey up the street.

'So what happened?' Stu asked, waking John from his thoughts.

'I... we split up and she's gone,' he replied, turning back to the room.

'And?'

John turned back to him. 'That's it.'

Stu considered him. 'That's never it where you're concerned.'

'I told her I didn't want 'ewt to do with it. That she should get rid of it.'

'Oh, John.'

John narrowed his eyes at him, anger rising up in his throat again. 'What? What would you have fuckin' done then? Married her?'

'Don't you shout at me, Lennon,' Stu told him, pointing a finger at him, reminding him suddenly of Mimi. 'You got yourself in this mess, so stop tryin' to pick a fight with me.'

John sighed. Fucking Stu, always bloody right. Not that he'd admit it. He was angry with himself; but he couldn't hit himself, so someone else would have to do. Instead, he sat down heavily next to Stu on the mattress again. 'It's all such a fuckin' mess, Stu,' he said after a moment. 'Her mother came round, told me to leave her alone. I went to look for her, anyway, but it's too late, she's gone.'

'Where?'

'I don't know. Her mother's sent her off somewhere, to some mother and baby home.'

'To have the kid?'

'And have it adopted.'

Stu pursed his lips. 'Well,' he said slowly, 'perhaps it's for the best, John. In the long run.'

John drew his knees up again and folded his arms around them.

'There's nothing going on between me and Cyn, you know.'

John gave a short nod. He took a cigarette from the squashed packet in his jeans pocket and passed the pack to Stu. He lit it and took a long drag before speaking again. 'They all leave me, Stu,' he said quietly, casting his eyes to the floor. 'Anyone I care about, they all go. I must just drive them all away.'

'Don't be daft.' Stu lit his own cigarette.

'I haven't seen my dad since I was five years old. I don't know if he's living or dead. My mam gave me away to her own sister.'

'It wasn't as simple as that --'

'Wasn't it? And now Ruby... Ruby's gone.'

Stu put his cigarette between his lips and stretched his arm around John's shoulders giving him a rough squeeze. 'Well, you've still got me.'

John shrugged him off. 'Great,' he said drolly, but give him a thin smile anyway.

'And I'm not goin' anywhere,' Stu continued. 'Ruby will be back though, won't she? After... y'know. You'll see her again.'