If You - Big Bang

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Nothing in Jungkook head was making sense.

Nothing.

Every neuron is sole focused on his immense amount of worry for Taehyung. He should've known that the other would've start to want to relapse after the overwhelming brawl between them. Their fight would've made anyone feel that sense of loneliness, it was just too intense. The only reason Jungkook is managing to keep himself together now is because of Yeosang and Jimin.

Who knows who Taehyung has right now.

Maybe only his brother.

That loneliness alone would only drive anyone mad.

That worry somehow settled down when Jungkook arrived to a very elegant looking apartment complex, he instantly had an whiplash in utter shock.

Taehyung..... Lives here?

The building is at least fifteen stories high, or maybe Jungkook is just exaggerating by how high it is. It looks almost like a hotel, so many blinding lights that made Jungkook feel extremely much more poor than he already is.

Jungkook couldn't even continue being in awe to the place, being yanked away by an impatient Hwanwoong to go through the extravagant looking lobby to go to the elevator.

Okay maybe not fifteen floors.

Twenty is the correct amount.

"You guys live here?" Jungkook mumbles, feeling himself grow more and more anxious as the elevator goes up, "This place is.... Well... Not what I expected."

Hwanwoong perks an eyebrow to this, sending a side look to Jungkook, "We don't dress as your average looking rich boys huh?"

Now Jungkook's eyes are wide, growing nervous to the other's similar cold stare as his older brother. Almost that stare of waiting for an answer that they know the answer to.

No denying they are related.

"No not that!" He instantly says, "I just.... He never really talks about.... This."

Hwanwoong only continues to stare at him with that cold look, lips pursed before the elevator finally dings.

"This isn't exactly an easy life to talk about."

Jungkook snaps his eyes to him but Hwanwoong is already walking out the doors and down he hallway. Even the hallway called Jungkook poor as he walks. The texture of the walls is so smooth and ivory with wooden doors with room numbers and a marble floor, almost like a damn mansion.

His siblings could only dream of ever living in a place like this. Lisa's apartment was probably nothing compared to how much a room here costs.

Is this why Taehyung never wanted Jungkook to come over?

To not see the luxurious life that he lives in? So Jungkook can see him as a human as he is that suffers too?

All those questions come to a stop when Hwanwoong stops in front of a large door, not even giving Jungkook the chance to study the fresh material because he thrusts his keys inside and swings the door open.

Right when they hear a loud bang.

A gun shot.

Jungkook whole heart dropped.

He didn't even bother to notice anything around the apartment as fear rushes into him as Hwanwoong instantly bolted to where the noise came from. Shaking out of anxiety isn't even the perfect phrase to describe how Jungkook physically is right now.

He's absolutely terrified.

It was the second that he barged into a room, seeing Taehyung on the ground, gun beside him with a mirror shattered to pieces that Jungkook felt relieved.

He shot the mirror.

However that didn't shrug off the horror when he sees Taehyung with a tight blue band around his upper elbow, a familiar looking spoon with a needle drinking up the brown liquid from it

So many painful memories rummages through Jungkook's mind. Of his mother in the same scene, his father feeding her more and more drugs like candy to kids.

His little brother not too long ago almost overdosing from such horrid drugs.

No, not Taehyung.

Not Taehyung!

Jungkook instantly leaps forward, falls to his knees, slapping the spoon and needle from his hands and yanks him into his arms. Taehyung is screaming now, loudly. He's slamming his weak fists against his body, kicking his legs, breaking apart like glass before Jungkook's eyes.

And he didn't let him go.

If anything he held him tighter, holding his head against his chest, biting back the need to cry as he hears the stuttering words escaping Taehyung's wailing lips.

"B-Bunny, I want my bunny," He would sobs pathetically, now holding tightly to Jungkook's body, "Where's my bunny? I-It hurts. I'm in p-pain! I need heroin.... I need to feel numb."

Now Jungkook's arms are shaking, letting a weak cry come out of his lips, "I'm here little cub," He whispers quietly, rubbing a shakily hand through his hair, "Bunny is here."

He had to be strong. If he breaks apart now, that won't help Taehyung in this sensitive moment. So he held back his tears, kept firm arms around his body, and just let him cry.

Hwanwoong doesn't say a word as this unfolds, only grabs the gun, needle and spoon and walks out the room, closing the door behind him to give the two their own privacy.

It felt like they've been like this for hours, and maybe they were. Jungkook didn't mind it, of course he wouldn't. He would do anything for Taehyung, even if he's suppose to be mad at him.

"M-My bunny," Taehyung whimpers, wheezing out heavy breathes, his voice shaking so bad that sounded so close to a broken hearted child, "I-I'm so sorry. Please don't l-leave me, I'm can't without you.... I c-can't."

Jungkook closes his eyes, trying to keep his composure at bay despite how badly his heart is tearing apart, "You can't rely too much on someone Tae. It will just hurt you if you just lose yourself to someone."

"You t-think it's easy for me?" Taehyung shudders bitterly, that fragile tone still lace through his words, "You t-think I a-actually want to break a-apart? I don't. I don't care if I lose myself, as l-long as I don't lose you."

Jungkook was just about to speak, up until he noticed something as Taehyung shirt rose up as he hugged Jungkook, and it's skin around his tattoo being marked by purple marks.

Beating. 

A recent beating.

Did he get into a fight?

"Y-You don't understand?" Taehyung shutters, hiccupping in his sobs, "I-I'm so s-scared, and you make it stop. Please, just don't leave me!"

Calm Jungkook.

Please stay calm.

It's becoming a hard task staying focused to being strong when Jungkook wants to break apart as much as Taehyung is right now. He wants to scream how much he needs him, how much he's feeling the same way too.

But he can't.

Not like this.

He can't just strip down his dignity like that, especially since nothing has been settled between them.

"We have a lot to talk about little cub," He whispers, burying his face to the crown of Taehyung's head, "Take your time calming down, there's no pressure. I'll be here to hold you."

So that's what happened. Taehyung continued to cry a little more, letting out all of his frustrations so it won't get in the way when they do talk. Jungkook was there to hold him in silence, rubbing a thumb across his jaw to ease him down.

For it a moment it all just.... Felt settled.

They felt so comfortable in each other's arms again, taking them back to a time where they use to do this all the time to ease each other when the other is stressed, aside from sex.

They didn't know how badly they needed each other until they were sudden split apart because of their own fatal stabs.

A few more linger moments pass and Taehyung slowly detaches himself from Jungkook's body, avoiding his eyes as he wipes his own tears and takes his hand, guiding him to his feet. Jungkook followed him to the bed, where they both sat down facing each other without another word.

Taehyung is still sniffling, letting out heavy breaths that are slowly calming down while Jungkook rubs his knuckles, slowly letting go to give each other the space to speak.

They didn't know exactly how to start this, but they knew that this conversation needed to be said.

So, Taehyung began, "That wasn't my first attempt," He whispers lowly,  eyeing the old scar on his inner elbow with a frown, "It's been very difficult lately, me emotionally. Usually with you.... I didn't have to feel the weight of the world too much. Without you.... I felt it all, and I wasn't expecting for it to hit me so hard."

Jungkook doesn't say anything, only continues to stare at him as Taehyung gets lost to the tattoos on his hand as he trails out the wings on his fingers, "I know I said really hurtful things to you..... Things you told me about. I initiated it first, I provoked you, and I'm sorry. Truth is..... Lately I've been pushing you away a lot. Purposely.... I began to grow some sensitive  affection for you and I'm not usually one to feel that way..... So I thought that maybe if I nudge you a bit, make you see me as a bad guy.... You would go, and I'll be back to how I was before."

There's so much vulnerability in his voice that Jungkook couldn't even believe it was Taehyung to begin with. He's never like this, and it's so painful to sit through and listen.

"How wrong I was," Taehyung forces a weak chuckle, "The second I said those hurtful words to use, letting my anger get the best of me, seeing the way I broke your heart right before my eyes.... I was not prepared for that. It hurt so much.... Hurting you hurt me. There's no excuse I'm say to make up for what I said, but..... Just know that it's not easy for me to grow like this with someone. I've had my fair share of relationships and friendships but it was never this intimate. I never gave into the idea for someone to be that important to me."

Taehyung lets out a heavy breath, continuing to let the tears cascade out of his eyes, "My family were always one to give love to each other. We grew up with looking after one another, everything being so perfect. My mother died.... It just felt as though love was just a irrelevant weakness, because the person will be gone before you know it. I became more distant with my brother and father, who is now my mother, and just.... Forced myself into this bubble of endless suffering..... I hurt myself too much."

It was hard holding back the need to touch him from Jungkook's side to show any type of remorse or comfort. He had to grip his hands tightly to keep himself steady.

He just sounds so broken right now, and Jungkook knows he's never going to hear him like this for a long time, so he must take the time now to listen.

"You're my best friend Jungkook," Taehyung says, more sternly now as he fixes his eyes to him, "You've impacted me in ways I can't even begin to describe. I'm a hand full, I can't deny that, and I'm still not use to being nice and tender as you would like for me to be, but please, I'm begging you," He's on the floor now, go his knees with hands clasped together, "Don't let our friendship go. I will try so hard to control my tongue. I won't push you away anymore. I don't expect you to trust me, but please..... Just please don't go."

Jungkook is starring directly at him as those he's not believing this is actually happening, and it's shocking him to the core. Taehyung has mentioned many times before that he's not one to ever beg anyone to stay in his life, that they can leave whenever they wish to.

So seeing him in his knees in front of him, eyes practically begging into Jungkook's was just enough for Jungkook to see how badly he means this.

He's really sorry....

It took a moment for Jungkook muster what he's going to say, taking a deep breath before gently taking Taehyung's clasped hands into his, "You're not the only one who's sorry," he whispers, looking down to his wrists, "I crossed boundaries when I shouldn't have, ignited gasoline to the fire when it should've been handled differently. I know how much the loss of someone special is like, and I know I hurt you with what I said, so I'm sorry about that too. I also knew about your wrists, and it was in our agreement for me to never touch them and I broke it," And so Jungkook leans down, pressing a tender peck on each wrist with his forehead pressed against it, "I'm sorry too Tae."

This makes Taehyung shakes his head frantically, lips wobbling, "You don't have to apologize-"

"But I do," Jungkook cuts off shortly, raising his head to look into his eyes, "I have to own up to what I do just like you owned up to what you did," He pauses for a moment, letting out a shakily breath, "But.... I don't think I'm just ready to.... Jump back..... To how things were before."

Taehyung's face drops, complete and utter hysteria filling his enormous breath eyes and his breath now is hitching his throat, "W-What?"

Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut, desperate to not feel so weak right now, "I'm not.... Ready to go back to what we had. Yes I do miss you, I really do, but I just can't act as though nothing happened the next day and being scared that we'll end up here again."

"T-Then lets start over!" Taehyung wails, shooting his arms to wrap them around Jungkook's waist, whimpering quietly, "We can start over! I won't touch you sexually again. I won't call you my bunny. Whatever you want, just.... Please s-stay in my l-life."

A low sigh escaped Jungkook's lips, cursing at himself for feeling so vulnerable, "Tae, how should I know that you won't go back to being how you were? Getting mad and lashing it out on me? How can I trust you on that?"

Taehyung is shaking now, completely desperate as he digs his fingers to Jungkook's back, "I didn't mean to say those those to you Jungkook, I didn't," He whimpers hoarsely, blinking the tears that are already sliding down his blotchy cheeks, "I'm just... I'm terrified to grow attached to you."

"Why?" Jungkook could help but find himself spatting, twitching his eyebrows, "Give me one good reason why you're so scared."

Taehyung is stuttering anxiously now, moving his teary eyes to look at Jungkook, "Please-"

"No," Jungkook says sternly, "Am I just not good enough for you to grow a connection with? What is it Taehyung!"

"Because I'm afraid I'm end up falling in love with you!"  Taehyung explodes, letting more tears run down his cheeks while Jungkook remains completely still, "I-I'm so scared because I don't w-want to love.... I don't want to Jungkook, I c-can't feel that pain a-again."

And he's back to hugging Jungkook's waist, burying his face to his chest as he holds onto Jungkook for dear life. The ravenette remains frozen, having a hard time processing what he just said.

That's why Taehyung has been acting this way? Because he's afraid that he's.... Going to fall for him?

Jungkook didn't know how to react to this, more so since he's already fallen in love with the man, yet he understood where Taehyung is coming from.

He doesn't want to pressure him into having some sort of attachment or affection with him if it's out of his comfort zone. This is clearly something new for Taehyung, and it's something he's not ready for.

Jungkook understands that perfectly well.

Maybe starting over will be good for them. They can grow trust and friendship now that they know just how much they mean to each other.

However right now, having something more such as a sex buddy will just result with them ending up back to where they started and that just toxic.

This is what's best for them now.

"Okay," Jungkook whispers, running a hand through his hair, "Lets start over."

Taehyung pulls away, eyes practically glowing the second he heard those words, "R-Really?"

"It's worth a shot," Jungkook says quietly, "It'll give us the time to build up something new, but a new arrangement now."

Now Taehyung is fully paying close attention, his eyes almost like a small puppy as he waits for Jungkook to speak

"No sex," He says, gulping thickly, "We're just going to be friends, so fuck buddies won't count anymore since it's just going to end up becoming a mess. We both need our space to ease down from.... This."

Taehyung nods fo this, agreeing.

"If we have a disagreement, and I see it's getting heated, I'm walking away. I'm not going to fight with you, we are going each other time to cool down. That sets more control over our anger."

Once again Taehyung nods.

"No teasing, touchy, or suggestive acts of commentary," Jungkook continues, narrowing his eyes, "I don't want to hear that type of stuff so please just..... Don't mention it. That's it for me," He says, looking at Taehyung more calmly, "Your end?

He is still awestruck, but he clears his throat and nods, "Once again, wrists, danger zone."

Jungkook nods understandingly to this.

"If I walk away during an argument, don't chase after me," Taehyung says, catching onto Jungkook in those habits, "Best believe I will come back, I just.... Need to relax so I won't say something harsh."

That was all Jungkook needed to know.

"Don't hit me.... Like ever. I know I can get a bit of bad mouth, and it does deserve a smacking, but don't do it," Taehyung says, looking down at their hands, "I don't want us to get physically abusive, or emotionally."

That sound marvelous.

"Don't be afraid to communicate to me any concerns or worries," Taehyung whispers, slowly closing his hand around his, "I'm still your friend."

That's fair.

"Lastly, this goes for me too. Anything that we share together, stays together," He says, meaning it, "We won't use it to hurt each other, only information for use to get to know each other. "

Perfect.

Jungkook manages to form a small smile, nodding to this, "Then we have a deal," but then his mind recalled something, making him slightly twitch a frown, "Also.... Don't try to do something to Woosung like you did last time. He will be appearing at times in my life, he is someone important to me."

A slightly darkness or irritation flooded Taehyung's eyes, but he quickly washes it away with curiosity, "Be honest with me, who is he?"

It took a lot, a lot for Jungkook to be able to admit to this. He has promised himself to keep anything from Busan as a secrets since he started college here.

Woosung is the diamond of his heart

However he knew in order for his life to be at peace here..... The truth is what matters.

"He's my ex boyfriend."

Taehyung blinks at him, almost as though as if he was debating whether to say something or just staying quiet. Jungkook could see the gears turning in his head before he finally lets out a heavy breath.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He says, looking at the floor, "That would've made no different with how I acted regardless but.... I wouldn't have been so worried that you were with a stranger the whole time."

Jungkook couldn't help but roll his eyes slightly, "No talking about the past agreement, remember?" He says with a perked eyebrow, "Guess that's out of the way. As you know, I keep everything that happened in Busan in Busan, including people except for my siblings."

Taehyung stares intently at him, almost as though he's studying a computer, before he licks his lips, "If you wanted to protect him... It must mean he's someone very special to you."

"He is," Jungkook didn't bother denying it, "He's my first love..... And he will always be someone I will love, but not in that same sense as before..... We all have to move on eventually from different parts of our lives."

Taehyung could practically see the way Jungkook's eyes slightly glitter to the mention of the man, but more of a glitter of respect and admiration. He's seen that same look in Woosung's eyes whenever he's around Jungkook and.... It's nice to have someone like that in life.

And Taehyung wouldn't be one to separate the two.

Now it won't be a problem because Taehyung knows.

So he gently leans back to Jungkook's chest, letting out a heavy breath, "I won't touch him, I promise."

That was all that was needed to be said. They are now going to start new, breathe a new chapter and continue on with life as the learn more things about each other now as this.

Friends.

This is exactly what they both need after their unsettling affairs from before and emotional dilemma. This will give each other the space to still be there but not to the point they'll feel pressure to push each other way.

It's perfect.

They prefer it this way.

"Can you stay over for the night?" Taehyung mumbles quietly, "And then we can start the agreement tomorrow. I just..... Need you close right now."

Uh.... Jungkook is really digging is own grave.

He knew he was the second he subtly agreed to it, hoping to finally get some sleep once again but also hoping he won't be afraid to let go when the daylight breaks in for morning.

And shit.....

What the hell is he going to tell Yeosang?

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A/N:
Why am I still awake?

I'm so glad it Saturday ahhhh

Well time for me to get some sleep now, even though I'm tempted on writing the next chapter haha

I PURPLE YOU! <33