Black Swan (Orch. Version) - BTS [I strongly recommend this]

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Nothing has ever been stable in Jungkook's mind these days.

It's almost like he's breathing but poisoned by the air, so he's drowning and choking instead of properly gasping for air. Little by little that squeeze tightens until there's nothing but fragments of black spots and blurred tears with the glass of that one flower in his life that's now fluttering away, like ashes of diamonds along the wind.

The thing about those shards of glass now is that they're forming something together, and that's an even bigger glass and forcefully stabbing directly to Jungkook's heart. Sometimes Jungkook can move along a day, feeling that faint pain rubbing and growing only bigger whenever he tried to breathe, but sometimes it's too painful to even wake up.

To painful to even sleep.

And the worse part is that the shard of glass won't come off.

He's tried to get closer with Little Gem, leaning on him or his sister, but the wound only digs deeper and when he's alone, he screams. The worse part must be the remaining pieces of that diamond ash reaching out to him, like Ten and Taemin, comforting his wounded soul of his grief but that glass is still attached to his heart and it won't come off.

The glass he stabbed himself with.

It's funny really. They say the worse sense of betrayal is from those who stabbed you in the back when you least expect it, but that is nothing to the betrayal one does to their own self.

You betray the signs.

You don't try hard enough.

You caused someone else pain.

And you are the fault of your own guilt.

Days upon days Jungkook has tried so hard to blame anyone; His sister for not looking after Woosung, his brother for not telling him about Taehyung sooner, Ten and Taemin for not stopping him from doing something stupid.

But..... Jungkook is just pointing fingers at this point until he pointed it at himself.

He should've called.

He shouldn't have said those things to him.

He should've texted him.

He should've answered fast enough......

That's only one pile of the guilt. The other pile being his father and his stupid decision on trusting anyone in the first place.

He's not safe in school.

His home.

No where because his father already knows where he is.

His fault that he didn't escape farther enough.

There's so much guilt Jungkook carries in his chest as he stumbles down the familiar neighborhood, feeling the pile upon pile of emotions pile up like a vile in his body. Everything around him seems blurred, feeling like a walking soul with no emotions yet it almost feels like no one can see him.

If he screams will they notice?

Ha, of course they wouldn't.

Jungkook can feel the crumbling pieces of his life he's formed slip past his fingers, now hearing the sound of his heart beating so loud against his ears as it tightens every muscle in his chest. Everyone counted on him to move forward, to set a good example, to pursuit his dream.

But he doesn't even fucking know what his dream is anymore!

What is he suppose to do, what do people want him to continue to do that's his alone!

What is his passion? Because he can't fucking feel it anymore.

His slow steps suddenly stops in front of the familiar pathway, moving his numb eyes to the house that was filled with the horror of his youth. The screams echoing out of it sounded too real from his sister crying in his memory, Yeosang begging his mother to give him attention and Jungkook taking the hits for them.

Every single time.

Looking back to those horrid memories and staring at the center piece of where it came from only whirled Jungkook's mind with doubt on himself. Some may say he's a too emotional person these days, maybe always, but can one truly blame him from the scars of his past?

Being cold was never an option until he was Raven, and his father would always beat him down for it.

He cries for the years of pain, he screams for the years of torture, he feels when he was forced not to feel.

And now..... Now he feels too much, yet he still senses the pull as he walks to the house, going up the steps and knocks on the door.

Nervousness should be spreading his body like a disease right now but all he feels is numbness, and a hell of a lot of suffocating anxiety. That only increased more and more with every passion second until the door suddenly opens.

And he's met with a familiar pair of eyes, that never looked at him as lovingly as Iodine's gaze.

His mother.

The women is standing in front of him, lips gapped with eyes widen. Her body is so thin and shakily, so fragile in front of her son. Lips are pale and chapped with her once silky black hair now a mess on top of her head, not resembling at all the women Jungkook remembers in his memory.

"Jungkook?"

Even her voice, Jungkook can't recognize it by how husky and small it is, unlike how powerful and loud it was when she would yell at her kids to behave or to shut up.

Seeing her again only made Jungkook lips grow more wobbly, eyes teary but filled with darkness. It all happened so fast when he pulls the gun from his hoodie and points it directly at her.

"Where's my father?"

His mother releases a shriek, stumbling backwards but Jungkook only steps inside and closes the door behind him with a kick of his foot. The woman is shaking in horror with eyes staring at the gun, pressing a hand on her chest to control her breathing to the weapon being pointed at her.

"J-Jungkook.... What are you-"

"WHERE IS MY FATHER!" His voice is loud now, unlike the tiny voice it was once before, hiccupping in his breath to keep himself steady and not look weak.

Not like how they made him feel before.

Not anymore.

Footsteps sudden echoes the house and the familiar presence of his father catches the corner of his eye and he points the gun to the person emerging from the kitchen behind his mother. The man only takes the scene, studying the way his wife is trembling while his son is pointing the gun at him.

And he narrows his eyes.

"Well won't you look at that," The man huffs amusingly, crossing his arms over his chest, "Guess you came home after all."

Jungkook's eyes are burning with tears now, hearing those screams of his youth blaring his head so loudly that it nearly fucked with his focus but he remains his glare firmly on the man that caused his trauma.

The man who he can never escape from.

"Shut up!" Jungkook snarls, thrusting his hood but in hopes those pleadings and thoughts escapes his mind, but it's still there and it hurts, "I'm going to fucking kill you."

His mother shrieks again and she shakes her head, "J-Jungkook, please let's just talk-"

"You had TWENTY ONE YEARS TO TALK!" Jungkook is yelling now, forcing his mom to silence her mouth with her own teary eyes, "I don't want to hear it."

His thumb suddenly removes the safety the second he notice his father take a step forward, a tear gliding down his cheek.

"Not another step closer."

His father froze but is maintaining his eye contact, his own expression stone serious as he watches the gun slightly shaking in Jungkook's grasp.

"I heard about Woosung," His suddenly says, being the own bullet to Jungkook's walls as he desperately tried to keep himself strong, "I know you are emotional and angry-"

Jungkook laughs.

He laughs hard, keeping his hand tight on the gun with his wide smile of his broken agony, shaking his head, "You have no idea how the fuck I am feeling right now," He growls, pointing the gun to his mother when she attempted to make a move to the kitchen, "You will never leave me the fuck alone. This won't ever stop, so before I kill you. You will listen to what I have to fucking say."

His two excuse of parents remain frozen in place, and Jungkook raising a hand to wipes his tears away, his face now toughening up as he stares at them with the evident tiredness behind his gaze.

"Years. For so many years, you hurt me and my siblings," Jungkook huffs, his grip on the gun growing more and more tighter, "You would leave my sister naked on the living room floor, beat her body and starve her for days. You would lock Yeosang in the attic for weeks, alone, in the dark with nothing but his desperate cries to be set free. You would treat me like a slave; mark my body, leave bruises to the point I had to lie in school because I was afraid, and let other people touch me right in front of your face."

The more his words ooze past his lips, the more tears would stream past his eyelids and down his cheeks, forcing his childhood trauma to be forced to be remembered by the people who caused it. Who caused him to be afraid of his own shadow and everyone around him.

Who forced fear into his life.

His parents.

"We.... Are your FUCKING KIDS!" Jungkook shouts, a small wheeze passing his lips when his voice cracked towards the end, "Why? WHAT WAS THE REASON TO HURT YOUR OWN FUCKING BLOOD? WE NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU!"

Jungkook's father still remains with his gaze cold, staring at the way Jungkook is loosing balance to even stand properly right now. His mother is crying now, staring at the endless needles on the coffee table with a tight knot on her throat now as he looks at her broken son.

They ruined him.

They ruined Lisa.

They ruined Yeosang.

The reason they are the way they are now is because of them.

Their pain is because of them. Their fight for survival and unknowing how to love because they were never given or shown what love was, only having the lingering thought that they were going to end up hurt all over again.

That's until Yeosang met Jimin,

Lisa met Jon,

And Jungkook met Woosung and Taehyung.

Not from their own family.

Jungkook is growing more and more hysterical by their silence and his breathing is growing more shallow to the volume of his heart beat, drumming loud against his ears as it kills him slowly from the inside.

The voices are getting louder, the images are becoming more clear and it won't fucking stop!

"We are so broken," Jungkook croaks out through his tears, gripping a hand through his sweaty raven hair, "And never given a reason as to why. We grew up thinking we were the problem, that we are people who can't love us..... It wasn't us, it was you. You never c-cared, and that kill us- FUCK MAKE IT STOP!"

Jungkook is on his knees now, unable to control his legs anymore as a hand clutches to his neck, where the knot tightens and the yelling and whimpers grows louder and louder in his memory. So many gun shots, so many cries, so many sounds of his mother desperately wanting drugs and hearing her moans from the living room with her clients, hearing his father screaming how pathetic they are and how he wished they would just die.

Years of the same cycle.

The same brutal torment.

Fuck can't they fucking hear it!

Their kids are crying! Why can Jungkook be the only one listen!

"I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MY BROTHER AND SISTER! I HAD TO GROW UP AND DO WHAT YOU COULDN'T DO AND THAT'S PROTECTING MY FAMILY!" Jungkook wails to the broken pieces of his past as they flash before his eyes, "WE WERE SCREAMING! WE ARE BEGGING YOU TO STOP! CAN'T YOU FUCKING HEAR US? DO HEAR ME NOW? I'M HURTING!"

And the gun drops from Jungkook's hand, leaving him to hug his fragile and shaking body alone as the two parents stare at him. The turn of the glass in Jungkook's heart only forces more desperate wails to come out of his lips, feeling those brutal kicks and harsh hands force upon his small body but aching it more when it would be towards his two gems.

His siblings.

That felt worse than any physical pain done to him.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH!" Jungkook sobs, hugging his fragile body tightly, "And the worse part is..... I can't kill you. I-I can't."

And so he slowly rose his head up, seeing something phase his father's eyes the second he sees Jungkook's face but it quickly disappears.

"But I won't have to," Jungkook whimpers, taking out a pen from his pocket with a glowing red light on it, making his parent's eyes widen, "At least now you'll leave me alone."

The second he presses down on it, the front door bursts open, along with the back door as well with police officers.

One of them including Jon.

Jungkook could just barely hear the officer arresting his father, declaring the reasons being child abuse, domestic abuse, and upon other things as well that Jungkook blocked away. He can hear his mother crying but he doesn't have it in him to look up.

And that's when he feels arms around his body, being hit with the familiar embrace of the people he love the most in the world.

"You did it," Yeosang whispers against his brother's shoulder, whimpering when his brother hesitantly hugs him back and Lisa as well, "It's okay. We got you."

Jungkook screws his eyes shut, hugging his siblings back ever so tightly as he cries against their embrace, taking in as they pour comforting words to him.

In front of their father.

In front of their mother.

In the place where they were the weakest, they became stronger.

Together.

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A/N:

Listening to Black Swan but Orchestral version while reading writing and reading this is truly impacting and just..... Wow I really have no words to express myself right now.

This chapter is just so impacting.

Thank you all for being so patient with me for my updates. I know it's been a while, but I went through a mild slump lately and have been updating Lust Wears Red a lot to try to get myself back together. I'm feeling better now and I hope we can be together to end this book strong!!

I miss you all!!

I PURPLE YOU!! <333