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suicidal at 10 in the morning...thanks.

I was watching a Dan and Phil vid and they were going into a super tall building when I realized something.

I am afraid of heights, and not like normal people.

I'm afraid that if I'm too high up then my suicidal thoughts will take over and I'll jump.

Not even tall things. But bridges and fires and anything that can cause death.

So i guess it's not a fear of heights.

It's a fear of how I'll die. No, not death.

But how I die.
I'm not all that scared of death itself, in fact I look forward to it.

But I want to die at a specific place, way, and time period in my life. Now, unfortunately, isn't it.

As much as I want to die, which I want to do badly just...die. I'm not going to, not yet anyway.

Soon though.

I told one of my friends about this specific thing, and i told them because they're abnormally smart and also a little less sad then me. They said to me that maybe it's just a need for control in my life.

I think she might be right. I have little to no control over my life, so I guess I chose the next best thing.

My death.

Soon, though.

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Tags: #idkanymore