Do you ever just...get those days where you absolutely f**k EVERYTHING up?

Or get into something with a friend and they try to claim that it was both my and their fault when the truth is that it was all my fault...?

I've finally just realized how...ALONE I am....

It's...it...it hurts...so much....

I just...after being alone for 7 straight years, you'd think I'd have some resistance to the sadness of being alone, but after having real friends the past...6 years, feeling truly alone again...I...I find it hard to believe I survived 7 years of that, and as a...a freaking 1st grader to 8th grader....

I was selfish and...and stupid when I asked something of the friend, and there was a big...emotional thing....   And they want to have a break for a bit...and I just...it's all my fault.  It's all my fault.  My dumb a** just had to go asking what I asked and caused a terrible back-and-forth.

And...and I thought...m-maybe a break would help?  I mean...they were the one to suggest it, and I would never want to just...be terrible and say no....

This was YESTERDAY.  And it feels like a week of terribleness has passed.

I can really feel the depression, as well as see it....  I'm constantly wanting to sleep, when I'm not sleeping, I can't get into the things I know I enjoy for more than a few minutes, I find myself crying randomly as my mind calls me terrible things that are all true....

Dammit...I don't...I don't have anybody.  Online friends can only take the edge off of the loneliness...all my irl friends are working...like heck I'm about to talk to my grandparents or parents about this stuff (though one of them will read this...)...my therapy appointment is over a week away, and while my therapist said I can contact her if I need to, I don't WANT to but I need to but at the same time I don't need to because this is all so stupid to be upset about....

I'm not mad at the friend...I'm pissed at myself....  If I had just kept my God damn mouth shut, I wouldn't be feeling like this and I would still have that friend to talk to.

No, it was not both of our faults.  It was all mine.  They were just being them and...I had to go being all sensitive about it...and now I don't really have them anymore atm....

Ugh...and I'm crying again....

I...I don't want to talk to anyone about this more.  Everyone else has their problems and they sure as hell don't need mine to worry over.....

I just...don't know WHAT to feel anymore....