Oh, look. Some song lyrics that match my feelings.

  I try to ignore the hurt inside
And bit, by bit
Part of me dies
The smile on my face is just a lie
A lie, a lie
I just can't hide

The blade of a knife that cuts so deep
The pain, the pain
I don't dare speak
I can't let you know the way I feel
A secret I will keep

I don't need your sympathy
Your vicious lies they're killing me
And you don't even understand
The things I feel or who I am

Try so hard to bring you joy
My heart is cold the flame has died
I hide behind the lie that has become the new me

I toss and I turn, I just can't sleep
You're gone, so long, that's fine with me
I won't turn around, my mind is clear
but the wounds that you leave never heal

Now I know you'll never change
You've got the same look on your face
And things will never be the same
It's over now and you're to blame
Twist the knife, I feel the pain
You hurt me but I won't complain
And like a fool I'm smiling through the tears
A fool, for you

A trick of the light where am I
Time fades away like yesterday

I don't need your sympathy
Your vicious lies they're killing me
And things will never be the same
It's over now and I'm to blame
Can you do one last thing for me?
Put me out of my misery
I hide behind the lie that has become the new me, the real me

-------

  I want to be a person just like you, don't you see?
I want to be a person who is still being "me"
It really would be nice but I'm paying a price
'Cause I'd really, not be me and that would not suffice

A dream which is an easy task I won't deny
But it'd be fine if people just like me would go and die

If I am this way I would never want to stay
Tens of thousands of people would be sad and cry
No one here wanting me, please don't say you don't agree
Wishing for a world hiding from my seeking eye

If I am this way please just wipe me into gray
Hundreds of millions of people would be glad and shine
No one here hating me, that would be so nice to see
But that kind of joy will never intertwine

Tomorrow I will still be dreaming half awake
And I am hoping I can disappear in such a state

If I'd live this way I would never want to stay
Hundreds of millions of people wouldn't even know
No one here wanting me, please don't say you don't agree
Would a world like that be a "yes" or be a "no"?

If I'd live this way and you'd wipe me into gray
Hundreds of millions of people wouldn't change at all
No one would hate on me, that would be so nice to see
Nothing would change 'cause I am losing where I fall

In the end, I know that everyone will be broken in similar ways
And "My Self" that's made in everyone crumbles because we are just a disgrace
In the end, I know that everyone will be scattered in similar ways

If I am this way I would never want to stay
Tell me, 'cause I wanna know just why you smile so much?
Really, when you are smiling like that
I will forget all the time I am sad
And these too, all my reasons for saying good-bye
They just failed me and now I am falling to cry

If I'd live this way and you'd wipe me into gray
Hundreds of millions of people wouldn't change at all
With something stopping me, maybe that's my chance to flee?

You facing me I cannot smile but just move on

-----

  I thought that I rather stay 'way from society
Because if I start to speak, everyone would hate me
Behind the glass, I stood and just watched the crowd
They're playing around, what did they laugh about?
All night and day, I was thinking about it so much
What I could do, to feel loved by somebody, and such
I thought that if I ended up causing grief
I just wouldn't care, or maybe that's just what I want to be
And if I would have disappeared by tomorrow
I guess that nobody would mourn for my broken soul
"It's okay! I don't care if my life now ends!"
Is something I can't bring myself to say yet
No matter, how deep this sadness will finally get
These words, written by a sick, pathetic outcast
Clinging to all the types of things that will never last
Even though I will have to walk all alone
I won't let my existence go
I thought that nothing would change if I were to be gone
Seriously, I could be replaced by anyone
And probably no one'd notice anyway
So I wonder why, I am still alive?
It feels like it's all just useless, I should face the truth and confess
That all of this is meaningless and only causes distress
I've always tried to fool myself, that this would soon come to an end
But now I think I shouldn't have believed that
I'm sure, there's nobody out there waiting for me?
Nobody will be there to meet me when I'll be free?
Why do I even ask, it is clear as day
I know that everyone is thinking the same way
Even though, I am struggling through all this misery
And if I would have disappeared by tomorrow
I guess that nobody would mourn for my broken soul
"It's okay! I don't care if my life now ends!"
Is something I can't bring myself to say yet
No matter, how deep this sadness will finally get
These words, written by a sick, pathetic outcast
Clinging to all the types of things that will never last
Come on, say what truly think about me
This life already has me down on my knees
Even though I will have to walk all alone

I won't let my existence go

------

  I seem to be growing up so fast
And I can't seem to stop
My limbs hastily growing as well
Along with my own love, so quickly
They grow at such a stupid rate
So I'll end up throwing them away

That's why in order to be able to fufill my love
I'll keep on being the same greedy me
And then I'll
Decide to forget and start to hate
The truly clumsy and useless me

And then I'll...

And then I'll

This life is no more than a gift
Given to me by my mother and "God"
And so I'll

Refuse to use it like everyone else
And just toss it with the weekly trash

Without having any high expectations
I feel the curtain begin to raise up high
Revealing a theater seating the truth of life
Empty without a soul

I'm drowning within a wave of sadness
I'm drowning within a wave of sadness

It seems that my heart is very sick
But all medicine never seems to work
Not just that

It's humiliating but I'm sorta poor
And can't afford a doctor

That's why I
Crawl along the distant past
My wounds festering and peeling away

So one day,
The emptiness will disappear as well
Dripping with gore like I'm throwing up again

That kind hearted girl with the dark hair
Who always reads in the corner of the room
I was made fun of for falling in love with her
And the mocking never ends

I'm drowning within a wave of sadness
I'm drowning within a wave of sadness

The departure every morning from the train station
Calling my expected ride
Ends my happy moments all again
As I step onto the train

In order to live, in order eat, I've given up so many precious things
No matter how much time can pass
I'll never fill this hole

I'm drowning within a wave of sadness

I'm drowning within a wave of sadness