Hey, no one will mind right?

Pretending that everything's fine.

Living has never been easy. 

What am I doing right now? Do I still have a purpose? If yes, then what is that purpose?

The blade cuts deeper...The pain gets more intense...Yet it's nothing compared to the emotional pain.

It's not the physical wounds. It's the emotional scars, the mental stability.

It's not the pain of the laceration that makes me want to die. It's the notions that I have every time I cut. It's the inevitable, unexpected and the unwanted things.

It's always the mental stability.

It's my mind that makes me push the blade. It's my mind that makes me want to pull the trigger. It's my mind that makes me want to just jump off.

But guess what, I could never blame my mind. 

It's me who's a failure.

It's me who's a burden.

I'm such a trying hard wannabe.

I don't care anymore. 

I'm nothing, anyways.

I know I'm filthy, then please don't touch me.

I know I'm hideous, so please don't look at me.

I know I'm contemptuous, so please pay no mind to me.

I know you hate me, and thank you I hate me too.

But who am I fooling here?

Could I change the way I am..? But then I probably would have done it a long time ago if I could. And if I could, I would have killed myself already. No one would care anyways. I know no one would...

But the thing is, I'm too cowardly to do so. Too scared. I'm so pathetic, such a failure in life...

What if I didn't exist..? No one would be brought down, no one would be burdened.

If only I could...If only I had the courage to do so...

May I just die? People could care less. No one would give a shit. So can I just go and leave and not give a tinker's damn?

I mean, I'm fine.

I assure you, I'm just tired.

Faking, Insecure, Not okay, Exhausted. I'm fine.

Tempted to die. Insufferable. Really disheartened. Empty. Dumb. I'm just tired.

Don't worry, everything's under control.

I know I sound attention seeking. I'm not. 

You don't know my life. 

And if you still judge me, I don't give a shit. After all I feel nothing anyways.

67 and counting, the silvery shine is tainted with crimson.

Bye for good.