Hey guys...before you move on ahead and read this, here are the topics/content warnings that will be in this part:

Dark themes / Bl4d3 mentioning. Depressive topics(I believe) and many more things like sexual wordings and sentences/thoughts.

These may be sensitive to read for most viewers, so read with caution.



.


Honestly thinking about running away still, no particular reason atm, just my thoughts are in scrambles and like...I just want to spend my (last/hj) days alone. In peace...I find solace in being alone even though I also hate it at the same time..its a pain.

And I also know some of you probably hate me secretly, or just find me extremely annoying, which I agree, I hate myself sometimes aswell, and find myself annoying, I wish I could change...to be normal...not fucking autistic, not silly...like I wish I was fucking normal....or I just wish I was gone.

And to those who know I found my old uhh bl4d3, no I did not relapse at all...but I am thinking about it....but I won't, for you guys...

I just wish people would stop screwing me over in real life...platonic relationships or romantic, I just wish those relationships were real..not fake...everytime I make friends or date someone..they leave me in the end, heart broken..like always, which I should be used to by now, but it still hurts...

I've been having more...morbid thoughts lately..and I can't really stop them..usually they aren't this morbid...but eh...depends on my mental health ig?...Idek WHY i'm like this...idk if its cause of my Autism(idk if it does that but i dont think it does??...)
Like I genuinely don't know...

And I don't want to tell ANYONE this in my family or my friends cause then they'll probably think I'm disgusting!!...or think I need to go to a mental health stitiuation...or wtvr the fuck its called.

Im disgusting and I suck, I've known that and still stick with it since I was 8-9 (meaning I was in 3rd grade.). I've mostly been venting on my private Twitter, because like Idk..I can.

I just...wish I wasnt like this. ESPECIALLY WITH MY HYPERSEXUALITY LIKE WTF.

LIKE I CANT GO INTO MY DAY WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT SEXUAL STUFF EITHER...its either morbid ass shit or like...sexual shit, I cant fucking help it, usually its not this bad but it fucking is. honestly I blame my gr00m3rs and my grandma...she didnt give me a child lock on my device when I was 3...bohoo.
(btw I was gr00m4d once when I was 9 and again around when I was 11 turning 12...NOT when I was 3...I think im not sure)

Like these thoughts are so vivid and explicit, I don't even have a reaction to them, like its as if I dont care or are immune to them..like this shits crazy...probably because I watched that one MLP video on youtube and other stuff...but erhh...

Honestly..I don't think I'll get help...plus this'll die down in a hour or day/week...heh...not sure why its like that...its kind of like an episode of some sort...a never ending loop..its tiring honestly...but I just have to suck it up and continuing to live with this crap.


Also don't give me shit about Ren please, it's not my fucking fault she says rude shit..I'm done, if you want to tell me something...do it on one of my socials LISTED IN MY BIO!!..not on my fucking convo or books unless stated otherwise...Im tired okay?!?! I have to deal with drama almost 24/7.

Anyway...hope everyone's doing fine and dandy<3