*Warning, there are things about my life that most people won't be comfortable with and so please keep note of that*

Growing up, I didn't really have the most confidence. Because my parents were a young unmarried couple, they were always stressed out with each other and well, they just hate being around one another. They did split up when I was getting into high school, but it didn't really affect me as much. I remember being very poor and we lived with our grandparents, 2 aunts, and four uncles. However, at the time our other family didn't have a home either, so my great grandma lived with us, as well as my cousin. We didn't have many beds and we let my great grandma sleep on the last bed with my cousin, while me, my parents, and my little sister slept on the floor. It also didn't help that we lived in the ghetto where hearing gun shots was normal. Even as a kid, I wasn't fazed by it. 

It went on like that for awhile until my cousin and great grandma moved out and the eldest aunt was kicked out (but she's doing great for herself now. Good job, good husband and kids) and that meant my three uncles moved into her room, and my sister and I got our uncles' room. For the very first time, I had not only gotten my first room, but my first bed. I know to most people it's not very exciting, but for someone who was poor at the time, it was a huge deal. I never felt happier in my life.

That is until I had to go to school for the very first time. I never went to pre-school like my little sister did, so I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how to socialize with other people, and I remember when my mom stood beside me by the classroom, I was supposed to go in as the other students waited out the door like us, staring at me. I felt afraid of everyone, only because I thought most people would be like my family. Always yelling at each other, fighting one another... hell, I remember my uncle pushed my aunt so hard against the wall that there was a big hole there.

I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to make a friend. I watched my teacher open the door and all the kids went inside. My mom lightly pushed me inside, but I didn't want to let go of her hand. I thought that it meant she didn't want me anymore and that I'll be there forever, but she assured me she would come back for me once school was over. 

In my days in kindergarten, I didn't really make any real friends. Some classmates would only play with me in the classroom when we had playtime and I would make beautiful art with the shapes I saw in a big container. So when it came to recess, I would just stand by the building wall, looking at all the children play. However, I saw a girl who was just standing there too, doing the same thing I did. I asked her to play with me and from that day on, we became friends. Til this very day, she's still my friend and we hang out from time to time.

Fast forward a bit to 2nd grade, this is where my self confidence was no where to be found. Because I didn't know how to do my math homework, my father would get angry little by little and I can still hear his voice saying, "How the hell do you not know this shit? It's easy! Ewugh, are you even my daughter?" do you know how much that hurt me inside? I felt like crying, and wanted to just hide in my room. It made me feel like because I didn't understand something that he thought was easy, I was probably stupid. Although, I tried my best to understand, and I slowly got better.

At this time, I was still poor, but we were financially getting better... slowly that is. Due to being poor, I didn't have nice things, but my parents would try to get us beautiful dolls that were disney branded and my little ponies (yes... depsite me disliking mlp's now, I used to LOVE mlp... but the community of it is so cancer now). So what did I do when other kids ask if I have this or that? I lied... I didn't want to feel like I was inferior to them, and I didn't want anyone to know that I was poor. I didn't want people to think that because I was poor, I was less than them, so I kept it to myself.

Also, I just want to include that if you know my cousin Jake (who is on my wattpad bio) I met him in this grade and at the time he had personal issues. Soooo, get this, he was upset and when I asked him what was wrong, he threw a basketball to my face and I was so baffled by this. Like wtf LOL XD I even bring this up to him all the time like I'd say, "Wow, that really hurts... like a basketball to the face. Right... Jake?" :'D At the time we didn't know we were cousins LMAO

Okay, back to the story.

As a kid in elementary, I experienced things that I didn't understand. What I mean by that is two things that entirely different. Which is attending my first funeral... and... well.... rape. You guys probably want to know more about the rape story first and if you're uncomfortable with this subject, skip this part and I'll say when it's over.

(Rape Story) This story does not affect me anymore and I'm open to tell my rape story. I do not need pity, but instead listen to my story. He was in prison, although not for my rape... please understand that it's something I didn't want to expose 7 years later. My mother knows of it and had asked me if I wanted to file it, but I said no. I was disgusted with myself and embarrassed to bring it up, and she understands me. I hope you do to with my own reasoning.

I had an uncle who would visit from time to time and well, as a kid you're not told to be afraid of family, but instead be afraid of strangers. I remember he only started with, "Who wants to sit on Santa's lap?" and as an innocent child, I thought nothing of it. He would bounce his lap and day after day it was all very minor. That is until... he.. well... ya know, but it wasn't with my v-card it was more so in the rear. I remember being in 4th grade when I pieced all of it together. I felt soiled and so disgusted that I could not look him in the eyes and I would stay in my room. I kept that memory suppressed in a box and pushed it away from me, but it would haunt me from time to time. In my junior year of high school is when I actually took therapy (in my school) and told someone this story (I had already told my mom about this story in middle school) and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. So long story short, he doesn't come here anymore and a lot of family doesn't like to be around him because he's been to prison multiple times.

(End of Rape Story)

When I attended my first funeral, it was with an aunt on my Filipino side of the family. I know she was sick because she always had this oxygen tank with her whenever she walked around the house. I never knew that she was dying though... 

That memory of when we all went to the hospital and no one was telling us what was going on. We didn't even get to see her on the hospital bed. All my dad said was, "Say goodbye to your auntie." and I was confused. My sister and I looked at each other like why on earth would he say that for? He even told me that she wasn't able to open her eyes, but she was able to hear because when he mentioned that my sister and I was there, he saw that she tried so hard to open her eyes. We were her favorite nieces... she would always play with us when everyone else was busy. She played with us.... when she knew she was sick. Thinking about it now, makes me want to cry. I was a kid... I didn't know how much she was hurting. Yet there she was, trying her best to make my sister and I happy when she was suffering.

My Auntie Tess.... I saw her crying in her room one day once we had come back from the hospital. I asked her why she was crying and it was because my Auntie Lut Lut had passed away. I didn't know what that meant, but when we attended her funeral, I asked my dad why she was sleeping in there. I felt her skin and it was so ice cold that I was too scared to go near her. When I watched her casket go 6ft underground, that's when everything made sense. I was never going to see her again. I was never going to hear her laugh... I was never going to see her smile...  I was never going to hear her voice again. The thought of her leaving me, broke me down so fast. Just writing about now makes me so upset. I didn't want her to leave me, not like this. I never felt so alone in my life... it took me months to get myself together, but that didn't mean I would forget her. Not when I knew she loved butterflies so much, that when I see a butterfly fly near me, I know it's her checking to see if I am okay, and for the most part... I am.

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We'll go to my days in middle school. Oh joy... how fun middle school was. Note the sarcasm in this one lol. Middle school is where I learned about self hate. You know, telling yourself you're not good enough, comparing yourself to other girls, thinking you're ugly and will never become like them. Things like that...

In my three years of middle school, I learned to always smile, but sometimes I'd like to be alone and loathe to myself during lunch time and my friends knew better than to comfort me when I was in that state. The funny thing is, when my friends were as depressed as I was, I'd cheer them up the only way I can. Being by their side and tell jokes from time to time. Why jokes? Well, I can't really give good advices, and I wanted them to be happy. I didn't care for my own happiness as long as they were okay.

What a mistake that was... because I didn't care for my own happiness, I was becoming more and more depressed. I felt like shit at home only because I was getting put down by my own family and I really disliked my little sister (I still do.... kind of). I didn't hate her because at the time she was a snitch or because she had a bad attitude. It was because she was always better than me. It was like... if I did something first, she'll do it second and does it 2x better than me. I remembered I played the flute, and she played the violin, and instrument I wanted to play, but couldn't because it was full. Although, it felt pretty good because when she tried out my flute she didn't know to blow into the mouth piece properly kekekekekeke. I also have another little sister too... but she's only annoying, that's it lol.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, once I wanted to do art I thought I was hot shit, until I saw HER art and I'd look at mine and then her art. Art was something that I wanted to do... something that I thought I was better at. But like always, she took that away from me. She even went into animation first than me (this was like a summer high school thing for college that she took) and I felt heartbroken. I wanted a skill that I could call my own in the family. Not to mention at the time she always had better grades than me, always partaking things that I didn't do and so it made me less and less motivated to do anything.

My grades began to slip and sooner or later, I became a bad student (sometimes lol). I would skip certain classes and I remember that I drank alcohol for the first time (it was only a few sips and it only happened twice xD). I just didn't want to be there anymore... I thought because my family puts me down so much and that they had a better daughter, they didn't need me. So in middle school, I decided to kill myself.

I tried cutting my wrists, hanging myself, and even choked myself (idk why I thought of doing that last one, I would only pass out... it also fucked up my breathing. Thanks past me, you fucking idiot lol). However, I never fully went through with these only because I would never get to play video games again or what would happen to my characters if I die lol. So instead I stuck to poetry. It helped me trap all my emotions onto one piece of paper. It was all my life stories in there, although, when I see it now... it's so fucking cringey. Like holy shit dude, I've never seen anything so emo before, and I watch emo cringe videos lmao. I still have my poetry book on wattpad, however, it is unpublished. I didn't think people would want to know my poetry because it WAS pretty bad lmao but at the same time some of them were good and I put heart into them. So it was like a child only a mother could love XD

As for high school.... hm.. I didn't really have anything bad there. Just my grades and stress and feeling insecure about not being anything when I grow up. In all honesty, in high school, I learned to grow up and appreciate everything that was given to me. I learned that my time in middle school was stupid af and I was the one bringing myself down. I learned that keeping your emotions bottled up with fuck you over so you should at least cry to yourself in your room lmao. I also learned that you should weed out your fake ass "FRIENDS" and keep the realest friends with you. That's why my squad small, but at least we know we real af. 

Yeah, high school was pretty fun, but the stress put a lot of weight on me. However, I did that to myself because I didn't like to study and blah blah blah regular high school stuff lol.

So, overall... I wasn't the happiest kid and I was the richest kid, but I was able to learn from my past and actually overcome my obstacles in order to be happy. Ya learn not to care anymore and you do things for you, not to make others impressed with yourself. All I can say now is, appreciate your life more and learn from your past. Everything isn't going to be sugar and nice in this world, so you better be prepared for when that hardship steps in.