2018 was literally the worst year for me both on here and irl. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. All that could go sour, went sour. The year has been nothing but stressful for me, and yet I still put on a smile and acted like nothing was wrong, most the time that was (still do). Never in my life have I gotten so much hate like I did this year. Every little thing I said or did, I would get chewed out for, cursed at and hurt so badly that I just wanted to die because I couldn't take it. This year made me so worthless and like a piece of trash that can be discarded and forgotten. It is truly how I feel and how people on this site has made me feel throughout the year.

Friends who I never thought would hurt me, did, they ignored me like I was just a ghost and ghat hurts worse than words. One little mistake I do it is an utter crime and it is so unforgivable. No matter how much I begged for forgiveness and wanted to make it up when I had nothing to apologize for, fell to side.

I still have so many pms I left them that are unanswered. They go back months, even weeks and they still are dead. Using wattpad as an excuse on why you don't get my messages but get everyone else's doesn't cut it anymore. I don't hold anything against them.and understand if they don't want to talk to me. At least tell me so my anxiety doesn't make things worse than they really are.

I will admit caring about everyone on this site, no matter who they are, being there for them when no one else is, is very stressful. It is very rewarding to see people happy and smiling, because seeing them that way makes you happy. I am like that silent helper, and I will still be that helper throughout next year. If someone needs me, I will be there for them even if they aren't there for me. Almost like a guardian angel, watching over silently and protecting.

My personally life had just gotten worse as well. My mom yelled and cursed me out more than she ever had. One mess up was the end of the world, forget making your own mistakes and trying to fix them, it just wasn't in her book. On top of a bunch of other things I'm not getting into. Not to mention my dad and all that is going on with him and everything else.

I am hoping 2019 is a much better year and things actually get better for me and I won't feel like a ghost anymore on this site. It is funny because I guess I have always been a bit of a ghost, not that I mind it. But even ghosts want someone to know that they are there and people appreciate them for keeping watch or what.

I can't promise I will be very active since I will be getting a job which is really stressing me out. Then after work I have a billion things to do thanks to my mom so I probably won't ever get on here like I do. When I do get a job I will have to pay my dad for my phone, the insurance for the suv, and a few other things.

I will get as many books written and completed by the end of next year, that is my really only goal besides bringing more people to God and being there for others along with trying to be a better person than I have been. I am not making big things that I know I can't keep.

I do applaud the people who said in the new year they will get a man/girl because they are lucky. I don't see that happening for me and if you get a man by all means do so. And for those who already have a man/girl I hope your relationship keeps going strong and you guys have nothing but the best!

Sorry for this little emotional thing. I am still feeling really crappy but I am putting on a smile and saying I am fine because in the end I always fine so there is nothing to worry about dealing with me. I will always be here and even if I wasn't, you wouldn't notice and that is okay. It is how life works and I just hope that you guys have an amazing year that has been better than this one.

Love you guys.

❤❤❤❤❤❤