There are certain things I'd like to erase
Grab a eraser and rub it away
Take a sharp knife
And cut if right out of my life

They shape me, make me
But they're also the things that take me
I know nothing's ever easy
But I just want something to please me

I'm tired, overworked
The thoughts forever lurk
Even when I'm doing nothing
I feel restless, like I need something

The quiet, the peace
It will never satisfy me
The noise, the commotion
They feed on my messed up notions

Screaming, shouting
Mouth wide open as I'm doubting
My reason, my purpose
But nothing ever reaches the surface

(I try to get advice, you know?
From one of my best friends
She's great and just so so...
Amazing but nothing helps much anymore
Half or... well like three quarters of the problem is me
I don't make an effort
And I only walk as far as I can see
I could try harder? Maybe then I'd be okay?
But I don't know
I'm awkward and antisocial
I'm scared I make people feel low
Just because I'm so negative)

Words are my release
But they're not the only escape for me
The other I keep quiet as I hide
Behind false advice all the time

I wish I could change
Maybe just for one day
Just to see what it's like to smile
And have the effort to walk that mile

I want to leave
I wish it was just me
So I could go
And not even one person would know

If you're all on a planet
Then I'm trapped away from it
I'm floating through space
Is that better than being stuck in this place?

I sleep much more than a wink
But that probably isn't what people think
I walk around, a zombie
If I'm always tired, what's the point of sleep?

Words cover me
Protect me like a child's teddy
Hold me like an embrace
As they recognise each emotion on my face

But do they make me feel trapped?
Like the meaning never gets unwrapped?
The message can be subliminal
But is it worth it at all?

(I wish had the courage to... you know...
You know what?
I don't know, leave this behind
But the world is so beautiful
As the saying goes, it's your oyster
You're free to explore and do whatever you want
I know that's what people say
It's sort of like... like I see the world in black and white
Like I can't recognise beauty through my own eyes and only through the eyes of others
What's that supposed to mean?
You're colourblind?
No. Maybe beauty blind.
I can see the beauty in other people's lives
And- and remind them of it
When it comes to me though...
You're more negative?
Yeah. I'm more negative.
I understand
But do you really?)

I feel isolated, alone
Like no one understands the mind I own
No matter how much I talk or complain
I can't find anything I'm going to gain

That's why it would be easier
Oh, so much easier
To just say "nope" and stop
Hit the cross and just stop

Do you know what's great?

Sitting alone practically all day and then coming home to being alone. My brother had friends over and my sister had her boyfriend over. Who did I have?

I mean, it's my fault I don't have many friends. I'm antisocial and awkward and bad at keeping conversations going but do I even make an effort? Not really. My fault. It's my fault.

I socialised a little in tutor because we basically had to. That was nice. Talking to people isn't that bad, as long as it's in a situation where it's forced. Why is that? Why can't I just spark up a conversation with anyone by asking about their day? Why do I have to be that one kid who doesn't say a word unless they absolutely have to? Why can't I be confident?

I'm tired and I haven't even been back at school a day. This is going to be a great year and I know it already (sarcasm).

I'm sorry. Just... needed to vent. Things are tough. I'm not going through anything bad but mentally I'm not coping. Is that stupid? My life's fine but my mind takes tiny things out of proportion and makes me miserable? I'll shut up now. I'm sorry if you read this far.