^before I started working on this chapter, I see this- wtf, Wattpad 😂^

Today, I watched Daniel Howell's new video "Basically, I'm Gay" in its entirety because I was genuinely curious about what he was wanting to share despite my lack of interest in his usual content. Just not my cup of tea, ya know? I get a lot of other people love the dude and I respect that but it's just not for me.

However, that video peaked my interest. A lot of coming out stories online really intrigue me and this newest one really made me think. In the eyes of the world today, I am considered "normal." Just because I happen to live/be born in America. Just because I happen to be white. Just because I happen to have a somewhat okay family (some things are rocky but everyone's family is messed up in one way or another-). Just because I happen to like the opposite gender, ergo, making me straight.

I can never truly relate and sympathize with other people because I've never been bullied in school. Why? I'm homeschooled. I can't relate because I've never made fun of for my sexuality. Why? I'm heterosexual. I can't relate to those who are victim to racism. Why? I'm Caucasian. All these things I could not control came together to make a "normal" person. The only thing I could possibly relate to in that video was a feeling of self hatred and even then, it had nothing to do with sexuality and it was nowhere near that extreme...

Now, I know 'Straight Pride' is a big meme/topic being spread since it is pride month and all, but this isn't about that at all so I just wanted to bring that part of this to light. Alright, now that that's out of the way...

This next part is something I haven't really shared with anyone and at this point, I don't know if it's true or if I just want it to be or what but... here it is...

imightbebisexual-

I mean, I'm definitely more attracted to guys, specifically Andrew, but... during our relationship, I have had little bitty crushes on people here and there. Boys and girls. That was something completely new to me... I've never had a legitimate crush on a REAL girl before! The closest I had was Monika and even then, she was a fictional character. I mean real life females I know personally are the people I happen to have liked for a period of time while dating Andrew. And I've only mentioned that part, me liking other people while in a relationship, to one person because they were going through a similar situation. I know this person irl so the name will not be disclosed for obvious reasons. *ADDING IN THIS DETAIL- THE GIRL I HAD A SMALL CRUSH ON IS SOMEONE CLOSE TO ME- CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME TO KNOW THEY ARE DEFINITELY STRAIGHT SO EVEN IF I WERE TO PURSUE, IT WOULDN'T GO ANYWHERE- JUST THOUGHT I WOULD ADD THAT*

I didn't wanna share it with y'all because I... I think I felt a bit guilty for it. I mean, I'm dating an amazing guy who I absolutely love with all of my heart! And yet... sometimes, my sights are set on others... but like I told that friend, those feelings come and go but true love remains through thick and thin (look at me, the ~love expert extraordinaire~ aka the girl in her first relationship-)

Practice what you preach, I guess. I... also haven't had the chance to tell him yet. And when he gets back on Wattpad after his trip this week, Andrew's probably gonna read this chapter and if/when he does... I'm sorry for not saying anything... I was afraid you would be upset... but I'm still sorry I didn't tell you sooner....

But back to the actual topic... I've been thinking about it and I might be bi... not entirely sure yet, it's only been a crush on one girl who I've known for a while. And it only lasted about a week or so, but the feeling was still there... does that mean something or am I overreacting? Because I can't tell anymore...

In other words, I might not even be as "normal" as I believed myself to be! And in all honestly, I don't know how to feel about it.

I don't like being considered "normal." I like being different and weird and unique! When people say I'm weird, I actually say thank you! I don't wanna be someone who blends in, I wanna be the weird one who steps out and dares to be different and whatever other things tumblr says!

But at the same time... I've always been comfortable being straight. Not because of my faith based background, not because of others around me, just because that's been me. I only liked guys. This is... new...

The crush on that girl didn't last but... it was still there... does it mean something? I'm already pretty sure I found the love of my life but the feelings still linger at times... so yeah... that's been my life as of late...