For: _Kavis_ :)

Warning: angst.

The hardest thing about loving someone was most probably the goodbyes.

We were always supposed to abandon the ones we loved, or they us. It was an inevitable truth. So why - why did we want to love, and most importantly: why did we yearn to be loved?

A single person, not bound to anyone - he who didn't love any, and he who wasn't loved by any - was the luckiest, in that regard. 

After all, the saying went: "To love is to destroy, and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed."

What mattered, though, was whether the pain or disappointment was worth it in the end. The grief, the sorrow and the aching melancholy - did the love you experienced, raw and unhinged, cancel it out? Were the fissures in your soul covered; the gaping holes in your very essence filled; and most importantly, were you able to let flowers bloom in yourself? Was it worth it, letting the strong yet vile vines and ugly thorns strangle you, and squeeze out your real love - an untouched, pure virgin creature - and taint it, murder it, all in the name of love?

Or maybe love, the pure virgin, was the most hideous of creatures. Don't we remember Eros? Love is/was a monster.

Let me ask you again, my dear, was it worth it? The suffering, the longing and the inevitable farewell? Did your love cleanse you and give birth to you again?

♡

He pressed his lips to her in a really long kiss.

As her hands roamed through his hair, he pulled her even closer.

"I'm so glad you came to visit me today, Chuuya," she sighed against his lips, "I wish you had more time off."

The smile on her pretty lips and the sparkle in her eyes made the pit in his chest disappear. A grin made way on his face, and he pulled her in for a hug. "I wish so too, (Y/N)."

She pulled on his arm, "Come on in! Do you want to cuddle or watch a movie or eat?"

He shook his head, "No, my dear. We are going to go out and do whatever you want today. I remember you said you always wanted to eat hot dogs from that little stall in the park with me?"

Her smile widened, "Oh yeah! You really want to go?"

He nodded.

"I love you!"

His smile disappeared for the briefest of moments. Nakahara Chuuya had abandoned religion long ago; he didn't think he'd ever be granted retribution.

Yet, here she stood. His goddess, his solace, his reward. Why couldn't she be his eternity, too?

"I love you more," he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "Now hurry up and get changed. We've got a lot to do today."

"Yep, yep! Give me ten minutes, babe."

-

"Okay, next we go to the amusement park."

"Huh?"

"You always wanted to go there with me, didn't you?"

She stared at him, her eyes slightly narrowed, "Well yeah, but-"

"No buts, (Y/N). Let's go," he held her chilly hands in his, and off they continued.

-

The ferris wheel now stood stationary at its highest point: the final rays of sunshine fell against his orange hair, and she was, for a moment, breathless.

"Chuuya?"

He swallowed nervously, praying to whatever controlled the universe that she not see his teary eyes. "Mm?"

"Chuuya, look at me."

He cleared his throat, and hesitantly looked into her (eye colour) eyes. "Yeah?"

She cupped his cheeks, "Can you please tell me what's wrong?"

He shook his head, looking away again.

"I love you so much, baby-" her brows furrowed- "are you crying?"

He couldn't stop the channels from leaking.

"Oh baby," she pulled him towards herself, and her scent brought another round of violent tears to his eyes. "It's okay, it's okay, Chuuya."

He continued to sob against her chest, her gentle perfume bringing him faint whispers of a future he couldn't have.

"I love you so much," she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, and wiping away any stray tears from his beautiful eyes.

He cleared his throat, and gave her a smile that sent her heart breaking - as brittle as glass, and as light as a feather, "I... I love you so much, (Y/N)."

A gentle smile graced her lips, "I love you too, so so much, Chuuya."

He grabbed hold of her hand, "I want you to know that this past year with you was, without a doubt, the happiest year of my life."

His voice cracked, but he continued.

"I- I never could have imagined someone like me ever finding so much peace.. and so much love.. I never thought I'd find a home. Yet here you are, (Y/N). My home, my sign, the light at the end of my tunnel. You're my destination and I never thought it would be so magical. I can't even string up sentences coherent enough to tell you how much you mean to me."

The reds of her cheeks cleared his mind, and he locked eyes with her (eye colour) ones.

"You made me the happiest man ever, (Y/N) and I am so grateful."

He didn't notice, but there were tears streaming freely down her face now. "I- I love you more than you'll ever know, Chuuya. I just.. I wish you'd tell me what's going on. Because something clearly isn't right! Why are you using the past tense-"

He leaned towards her and kissed her tears away, "Nothing is happening."

She shook her head, "No, no. Are you in danger? Should I call Akutagawa?Should we tell Dazai-"

The sun had almost set, and the ferris wheel finally brought them down to the ground.

He gently kissed her on the forehead, "It's okay, (Y/N)."

She held his hand very tightly.

-

She held him in a really tight embrace, "When will I see you again?"

His breath hitched in his throat, "I wish I could tell you, but I'm sorry."

She pulled away to kiss him, really slowly. "I wish you could."

He swallowed a sob, "I'm sorry."

She shook her head, "It's okay, baby. I love you."

He closed his eyes, and kissed her one last time. Properly and thoroughly. Just as their first kiss had been - deep, intimate and filled with longing.

"I will always love you, no matter what. Even when I'm here, and even when I'm not, please remember that."

She frowned, "Don't say that!"

He wrapped his arms around her one last time.

"Goodnight, my dear."

He looked at her one last time, long enough to keep her in his memory until he ceased to be.

"Goodnight, Chuuya."

♡♡

Retribution. It had been worth it.

As the cool tip of the gun further pressed against his forehead, he closed his eyes.

And, there she stood against his closed eyelids. In the hazy darkness of his lids, his goddess, his solace and his retribution stood as solid and as sharp as ever.

The bang echoed throughout the damp wasteland.

And, as the last of breaths left him, he saw her again.

It had been worth it.

Every single second of it.

♡♡♡

(Y/N) awoke with a scream. Something wasn't right.

Something wasn't right.

~

She didn't know that he had been put to a sleep - long, eternal and final.

♡♡♡♡

A/N: whoops, I hope you liked it!