I never believed i would have to do this
But here we are

I am an inteligent person, several doctors or people like that said it, and i know i can view myself from the outside, but at the same time from the inside. I am breaking down. Everybody expects a lot from me. Mom says its not true, but she doesnt know what i know. In school its the worst, and right now i have more afterschool activities then ever before, which most of them are just extention of school.

I am not eating, which i know is bad, and everyone is trying to get me to eat, but everytime i eat something i feel full quickly, or feel like throwing up afterwards. I am not caring for myself, in other ways too, but i just cant find time to do it. Maybe im just lazy, but i dont want to admut it. Maybe i just dont want to because it would mean id have to stand up. Lazy.

Im making this chapter several days, its not like im writing it all at once. I feel so fucking awful. Im having pretty quick mood swings, i dont know whats going on.
My stomach hurts. It feels like im gonna throw up all day, but i dont think u have anything to thorw up
...is that why i feel so bad?
Im nit eating enough, i kniw, bzt it will be fine. Im not hungry, i dont need to eat. When ill be hungry ill eat, but not now.

It feels like if i dont forcefully join into a conversation, no one ever notisces me. My head is slightly spinning, i want to end this. Maybe if i do all my worries will be over. I wont have to worry about new school, about my own health, who will?
Who does?
Theres only one person who notisced i dont eat, my mom, and to the other three i told it. But ill be fine, i got enough energy to pull trough this. Human body doesnt need to eat that much, right?

My classmates are absent, inconviniently exactly the two im friends with. I sit here all day waiting for something to happen.

Oh wait, i did eat today, those few nuts in Arts.
We were drawing nuts for some reason, our class vrought too much of them so we coudl eat some. See? I ate today. Its fine.

God why is my class so loud
Theyre all happy
I also wanna be happy like them

Yeah so this has a third part... this is 12.10 i think? The other are like a week old now. I really just cant write all my trought down in one time. Theres too many of them. And i dont have enough time.
Mom is agry at me again because appardntly i stole her wine
Uhh, if you count that pink fizzly lemonade in a can that tastes like shit as vine, then i probably did, but seriously, that tasted nothing like vine. Im sorry im just angry at her. She thinks i drank it yesterday but i drank it like a monzh ago, and i only took a sip and then spit the rest of it out because it was awful. Now shes dissapointed in me but i dont really see a reason why

And i cant even try and explain to her because she would start screaming again

The last few days had been a shit in here, and little things like this do not help

In school I havent gotten a better grade than a C for quite a while now. Ive pretty much stopoed drawing, and i have two animation ideas, but those would have to be finished by the end of october, which i dont think i can do. Its Meatgrinder for Halloween and Catchit for Rift, and even if im trying, i cant even draw the frames because i dont have time. And at the same time i dont understand how i dont have time, i see plenty of time in my schledule, but something always takes it away. Plus i got screentime. Not on Wattpad and IbisPaint, but yes i got it on Flippaclip. Making animating even harder.

My parents are also harsh on me because they want me to go on this school, everyone is harsh on me because of that now im realizing. Its the one where teacher tested me by telling me my artstyle is basic. Othervise its a pretty good school id say, but the pressure
Mom comes to me everyday with a random object and is like ,,draw this in pencil,,
And drawing in pencil is shading
And i absolutely hate shading
So everyday i sit and draw thing i dont want to draw in a way i hate to use

I dont know if or what im eating, i dont remember when i last ate but at the same time it feels like im eating all the time and everything. And im not hungry. Its confusing. The last drink i remember tho, it was coffee last night, i dont know if i had something before that.
I think im eating
Yeah
I am
That doesnt sound like i am now does it-

My friends and family arent that much help, i dont show this side of me much so they dont know what to do with me when im like this. So they start making jokes like usual, which my humor is broken a lot meaning the jokes are bad. And when im likr this, the jokes dont help one bit, maybe even worsen it.

One of my friends does it in even more bitch way, she does cheer me up but everytime makes a absolutely stupid joke, usually something about suicide and makes me feel even worse than before. But i dont have any other friends in my class. I have to bear with that or stay alone. With loneliness wouldnt make my situation any better

One example of these bad jokes was yesterday, i started crying and my mom found me. I told her i want to die, she replied with ,,Well at least finish that drawing before you die,,. Not helping one bit

I want to die. But i cant. I at least have to write down all the ideas i had, all tge concepts and drawings, i at least have to write that so it isnt forgotten

I cant type anymore, i think im gonna have to stop writing soon

My situation isnt that bad. Im just overreacting. A nornal person would be able to make this, if he wasnt then they wouldnt do this to me, right?

German and physics teachers are not helping, german is torturing me with language i hate nearly everyday and she knows how much i hate her, but everytime looks so ignorant and just does what she can to make my hate greater. I dont think i would hate german language as much as i do if we had literaly any other teacher.
Physucs is just draining my energy, literaly. Everytime tge teacher comes in with the stupidest idea in a way we run the most and i cant even walk for next five days.

Anyway i had to move from house to busstop now, im back
I stayed in the bed for quite long writing this, mom came into my room yelling again that what im i still doing in bed. She does love me and care for me but she isnt helping eider. Its hard to survive with that women in one house, we argue a lot and we both need to have the last word in the argument, both need to have the feeling that ,,yes, i answered her, now she will stay quiet,, but that always results in even more fighting. My mom screaming at my siblings everyday isnt helping eider, my sibling come into my room when im in zhe worst mood with the stupidest things, and then theyre surprised i tell them to get the fuck out. Mom always said how shes gonna be here for me if i ever feel like this that shes gonna understand it, but she doesnt. She sees me crying in my room, trying to get my brother away because he is annoying me again and i want to be alone, and she just tell him to come in and how im bullying him again, and tells things like ,,ohh shes just angry at you again because you did nothing,,. I dont know how exactly she says it but its similar to this, but hurts even more.

Why is my relationship with everyone so weird...

My period is coming soon too, doesnt make my life easier. This crying season has to me just because of that. The hormonal change makes me cry so much like i do, its gonna be over soon. I hope.

I know drawing helps me to get out of these states, like get myself out of depression, but i think i said it, i dont have time to draw

But its not like anyone cares eider. I mean, here people on wattpad would deffenetly care, i know that, you guys are pretty much why im still here. I cant die, it would make you here sad. You would miss me. I dont kniw uf anyone irl would miss me. Maybe mom, but she would be alright, she would deal with it quickly. I bet she doesnt care for me as much as she says she does. And you know what mom? Be surprised that i drink, be surprised, but everytime i get drunk, i feel much better than normally. So much happier. I want to get drunk again, i may escape for just few hours, but the few hours are worth it.

I dont know if im gonna publish this, its like... Theres so much emotion that i nearly never share, others here on wattpad are gonna ve confused and worried, i dont want them to be. I want yall to be happy. And sharing my depression wont make you happy.

And yeah, im publishing this in the random shits book because my vents are a random shit anyway. Its a lot sloppy i think, i just cant put my troughts into one block that makes sence. Jumping from topic to topic however it comes to mind. Fitting in random parts. Thats why i nearly never write anything like books, i cant write even tho u have ideas and want to.

Ive been surpressing this for so long.
So long

Im gonna have to hide it now again. Pull trough another day without showing this side of me to others, to classmates, family, wattpad... Mainly wattpad, i dont want yall to be worried about me and and i have to hide it to classmates so they wouldnt think im a weak nothing.
It will be alright
I have to stay strong
But i dont know how much longer i can stay strong