Read this first, PLEASE!
I made this around either late January, early February, late February or early March, and now im actually releasing it. I also want to add that I have been feeling much better after these few months ever since I haven't talked to him ever since quarantine has happened but I only seen him once but that is because he works at a grocery store and I happened to come across him but didn't say anything to him and he tend to notice when I left like a few minutes after. As for the sister thing, I'm taking a hiatus away from her so I could focus on some of the things that I want to, like making a script and doing things like this for fun! Except the script thing, that is actually a passion project that I want to make a reality. So anyway, enjoy the rambles and vents that I have spewed here.

*Also there is some swearing here so if you don't like it you can avoid this page and find another book somewhere.

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It's as if I'm Sherlock trying to investigate the most twisted, complicated, elaborate cthulu story that's out there.

I want to cry so much, my head is buzzing and I have no clue how to fix it. Actually, no, that's a lie, I know I can talk to my parents about it or type in here. I don't necessarily want to talk to my sisters about 'cause I'm not looking for any sort of drama. Reason being my older sister will blow up and not take any sort of advice that I say and will claim "victim." If I told this to my younger sister, she would just find a way to shut my feelings up and yell at me because I was frustrated or ticked off about something. At least for my younger sister she acknowledges that I'm upset but then claims, "you don't talk to me or our older sister," like hell I would.

I'm sick of trying to be nice to my older sister, especially when she blows up the way she does, example, about a couple weeks ago, we went to a rec center to work out, swim and stuff. I messed up thinking one of the towels was ours, and blows up because of it. Because of a fucking towel. Then says, "you should take more responsibility of your towels" like fuck off, you had another one earlier, why couldn't you use that?

I'm happy that my parents know what I'm talking about. I just had a talk with my dad earlier today, and understood what I was talking about and moved on with the next conversation.

I was slowly tearing myself down for the college I going to, plus I'm not a big fan of change and everything is just tipping the boat. Dad getting a new job, my mom getting unfortunately sick but is almost better, my younger sister trying a cooking class, my older sister is always changing no matter what we do, and I, not only going to college, but I have a crush on this guy... yay...

I'm not a big fan of "romance" either but I'm really into this guy and not only that but he likes me back. I'm leaving out the best parts though because I know what your thinking "why haven't you said anything to him?" 1: because I'm a pussy 2: I think I'm better at giving advice to other people then I do with actually being in a relationship 3: I'm not used to getting this much attention and 4: I overthink a lot, as you can see here. Anyways, let me fill you in the gap. I was in a love triangle that I misread as "the other guy was nudging him to fully ask me out" and that's all I saw it as, meaning that's how I put their actions down. Like a play in the theater, that's what was running through my head. There were some moments that were questionable, or that did throw me off. Made me wonder what was actually going on between the two. I was able to finally figure it out what was going on, and it made me furious. I felt more like an item at that point, undermined because I was a prize at that point, it doesn't really matter if it was for fun, it still kind of frustrates me that I was just a bet, or atleast it felt like it did.

I keep going back to the thought of (and this is when I was in school) this one chick in our class, who had no idea what was going on, had both of them after her. It was as equally as confusing as it was when they were after me vs when they weren't. Since I don't really have that many friends in that class, I went to the only group I like to hang around with... because I'm an introvert. I started to pick up on that they were still trying to get my attention but in a negative way. They were trying to get me jealous and angry, in which they succeeded. I was ready to throw in the towel and be done with it because in my mind I was going like, "if he wants to be with her then fine. Why should I care?" You know, the typical frustrated chick who wants to not care. I don't understand attention sometimes, the appeal of it, I mean. I didn't ask for any of it. Just wanting to be with someone is hard to admit, for me, and to let them know. I was confused for the most of it while picking up bits and pieces of what was going on. Anyways back on topic, a couple days later, I was exhausted, didn't want to leave my bed or home, but had to. We were having lunch again and that same chick was playing a game of like "who would most likely do this" and I thought of it as entertaining for the most part. Then she brought him up, and I could feel my heart drop. An experience I've never felt before and apparently I was blushing because I think she picked up on it. Here is how I think I know, because she asked, "who would most likely to make out with <my crush>?" I started to feel guilt but didn't want to expose myself more then I already had, so I pointed at her, plus everyone else was pointing at her as well, so I was hoping that I was able to recover from that. The next day we were having a "last day before winter break" party, so I was having a conversation with one of the guys who was in the love triangle, and that same chick who was lowkey calling me out (which she is going to do again, mind you) and so we were talking about... whatever and she brings my crush up out of nowhere again, but this time my heart didn't drop as heavy as it did the last time. I can't tell when I blush so when she pointed it out, I didn't know what to do other then to, awkwardly make it funny.

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Sorry, but that's as far as I've typed it out. I probably have had more that I've wanted to type out and maybe I can go in a little more depth later but that’s only if people want to but for now that is it.