"Conversations My Mom Regrets Having With Me" #68299 and #73027

#68299
Me, Mom, Former Therapist (Him): *looking at Him's parents' wedding album*
Mom: Well I'll be damned!
Him: *about his son* See?! Has the stature and everything! He's a spitting image of my dad!
Mom: That's just scary.
Him: My ex-wife gave birth to my dad!
Mom: And I gave birth to my ex-husband. *points to me*
Me: ....eWW!!
Mom: What?
Me: I know you meant that I look like Dad, but I just pictured you ACTUALLY giving birth to Dad!!
Him: *looks at my mom* You turd!! You've tainted her!!
Mom: The fuck'd I do, ya turd?!
Me: I can't get that image out of my head now!!

#73027
Mom and Me: *cooking dinner*
Mom: So I checked out those Try Guys you were talking about last week.
Me: Oh yeah?
Mom: Yeah. They seem kinda funny and you can watch them, but there is one video I don't want you to watch.
Me: *disgruntled* And that is?
Mom: This...stripper video of there's! They met up with a guy who owns a male strip club to teach them how to be male strippers!
Me: *stares at her*
Mom: So just...don't watch that video, okay?
Me: *mentally* ...Well fuck-
Me: ...*smiling for some dumb friggin reason* Okay!
Mom: ...You've seen it, haven't you?
Me: Three times.
Mom: RUTHIE!!!