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Remember

Remember the life we had before we started this?

The one where we were happy, and got good grades, and lived normal, truthful lives?

The ones where we had so much balance to life it made monks jealous?

I do.

I remember sitting and playing games with my friends, talking about how much we hated girly stuff.

I remember laughing, running around and just acting like a kid.

But I'm also starting to remember some things.

Like how my Dad bashed my Moms head open.

Or how I walked in on my 'friends' talking shit about me behind my back.

Or when my Grandparents yelled at the top of their lungs at each other over something as stupid as laundry.

I'm starting to remember all the things my brain blocked out, piece by piece, in faint figments I can't quite place.

How fucked up that 'happy' period was for me.

When my Dad left again after getting into a fight with my Mom.

How he'd make it seem like he was the victim and that he couldn't keep a job because of some jack ass excuse which was actually just his drug addiction.

I'm starting to remember all the late nights spent crying over how I had to be an adult for my Mom because she wasn't capable at the moment.

It's all coming back to me.

All the lonely nights when my Mom was in rehab.

All the pointless shit everyone fought over.

All the tears shed because I was never taught how to handle emotions.

All the times I thought about how pointless everything was and how easy it would be to steal one of those knives.

All the abuse I endured and watched is now coming back to me because I'm at an okay point. I'm capable of seeing it because it's over completely.

Maybe not remembering the worse stuff is better than I thought.

Maybe I don't want to remember.

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