I haven't written for a while and I miss it. My mind feels heavy from all of the words I've failed to say in person and struggled to say in writing. I've been busy in the past month or so. Work kept me busy and there were a ton of band concerts. Prom happened.

On the topic of prom, I can honestly say it was one of the best nights of my life. I was genuinely happy and I felt so beautiful. I didn't care that I can't dance, or that I can't sing. I felt free for the first time in a long time. I didn't over think. I felt so blessed and loved. But that night I was laying in bed next to two of my best friends and all I could think of was the date. A few months ago, when everything was bad, I made a deal with myself. I could stop caring about living after prom. I could stop trying. The day I picked was prom and there it was and it turns out to be the best day of my life. I wanted to feel that again, that utter joy that I had felt that night. Suddenly it seemed I had a future. I could imagine my high school graduation (which is in a year. Scary) and I could imagine my first day at college, and my last. I could imagine what it would feel like to say "I love you" to the my soul mate before we exchanged vows. But prom is only one night. How can one night change how I feel about so many things. I didn't believe in love, or i'd at least never felt it. I didn't even think I had a future. I was in such a good place.

But now, the feeling is fading. I'm feeling numb again and i'm scared. I want to feel how I felt that night all the time. I deserve it. I don't want to get bad again. I like living, or at least, I want to. I don't know what to do. If any of you have any words of advice, I'd be glad to hear it. Also, if any of you also feel like this, I am always here to help.