I stand in the warm sun,
But barely notice it warmth:

Darkness roiling under my skin,
A darkness I've known for oh so long,
Discomfort settling in my stomach,
Thoughts swirling in my head,
So much guilt overriding my senses,
Down I go crashing hard,
A six day stay under watchful eyes,
Oxygen attached doesn't stop the fear,
Thinner stops another crash but not the anxiety,
Back and forth I go the fear all consuming,
Pain always present never giving me a break,
Crash I go again for a different reason,
Everything uttered a blur of sense,
One and a half of twelve and back to fear I go,
Always separating and guiding,
Always protecting because that's my job,
Never getting protected myself,
Never getting believed or sided with,
From five back to three we be,
Yet the anxiety increases,
The echoes of loud voices proving points,
Six of twelve it takes for that hope,
But with hope comes more pain,
With more pain comes more fear,
And with more fear comes more guilt for two,
Warnings of another crash to come,
Darkness swirls in my brain,

What will come for me next???