Hunter x Hunter
^^anime

I haven't seen this anime before, so I apologize for getting things wrong. This is why I will be having this be in a Modern AU, since I have no clue of the plot or anything for Hunter x Hunter.

This was suggested by
Walking-Trash-Can

Info:
-Modern AU
-you are a trans non-binary male (so yes, you were born female)
-High School AU
-random song above ("You Can Buy Everything" by SoMo)
-Age 15 (one year older than in the anime apparently)
•-•-•-•-•
Your POV
•-•-•-•-•

I sigh as I stare up at my ceiling, lying flat on my back on my bed on a Saturday. It's around noon at the moment, and I'm lost in my thoughts.

I'm trapped in a loop of thinking about parts of my body or things about me that I hate, such as my chest and my voice.

I can't help but to feel that even when I'm wearing a binder, it doesn't make much of a difference on my chest.

My voice is too high pitched, revealing that I'm a biological female to the world.

My eyes look too soft, resembling a girl. Same goes for my jawline, hands, and I don't have an Adam's Apple visible.

My hips and curved in general are prominent, at least to me. It makes me self-conscious.

Everything does.

The fear of not having enough dysphoria to be considered trans non-binary creeps up on me as well, since my own dysphoria isn't crushing me. It's not making me depressed, but it does affect me.

I don't want to be called fake because my level of dysphoria isn't high enough to be labeling myself as trans. I don't want to be faking, either.

There are plenty of other trans people who have dysphoria that kills them each and every day. But with me, it's a little different.

If I'm not thinking about it, sometimes I don't even feel the dysphoria. Though I have some days where I can't stop thinking about it and everything about me that's girly, causing my mood to be dampened.

And every day, thoughts about my chest or my hips or my voice pop up every now and again, but I focus on other things. Activities that will distract me from reality.

Am I actually transgender non-binary?

Are the things I'm experiencing valid, despite not making me want to end my life?

I want to live, even if it means having dysphoria forever.

I want to get treatment so I can feel valid as a man, but I haven't even visited a gender therapist yet.

I'm scared that I'll be making a mistake by going on T as well, even though I like the changes that would happen to me.

I know that it's common to doubt yourself, but am I doubting it too much?

Am I actually just a confused girl..?

Then why do I love being called a boy so much?

I'm ripped out of my thoughts when a knock sounds from my door. I sit up and fix my hair as my mom opens it, giving her a fake, yet convincing, smile.

"Hey mom, what's up?" I ask, leaning back on my hands casually.

"Hello sweetheart, your friend is here to see you."

"Which one?"

"Killua."

My face heats up at hearing his name and I nod, "Okay. Can you send him up for me?"

She nods with a smile, "Of course."

With that, she leaves to get my best friend, and crush, Killua.

Part of me doesn't want to see him.

That's only because today is one of those days where I'd like to be alone to wallow in my self-pity. Drown in my dysphoric thoughts.

Alone.

I curse under my breath as I rush to get dressed, still being in my pajamas. I don't want him to see me without my binder on, either.

I make sure my door is closed and locked before changing.

Another knock comes from my door and I can hear Killua call to me, "YN? It's me."

I clear my throat and reply hurriedly, trying to sound calm as I slip on my binder, "Alright! Just give me a second!"

After changing, I make sure my hair looks good before unlocking my door and letting Killua in. I kick my clothes under my bed before he can see them.

I force a smile as we pull apart from our hug, hoping it looks convincing. "So, what brings you here?"

Killua smiles calmly, and I see a tinge of concern in his eyes appear. "I came to see if you wanted to hang out for a while."

I nod, "Sure. What do you want to do?"

"It doesn't matter to me."

We end up playing video games for a while, sitting on the edge of my bed as we lean closer to my tv.

I'm clearly distracted as I don't do as well as I normally do in the game, my mind wandering back to dysphoric things.

I notice Killua glancing at me quite frequently as we play, and I never make eye contact.

We eventually stop and just talk. I'm laying down on my back again, staring at the ceiling as he sits cross legged beside me. He's facing the wall to my left, so I'm able to see his face clearly. And he can look down to see mine.

I try to pay attention and listen to what he's saying, but I can't. I keep going back to thinking about how I look and act like a girl.

Killua knows my gender identity and has always known me as a boy, but does he really see me that way?

Does anybody see me as a male just by looking at me?

Do I act too much like a girl to be considered a boy?

Do—

"YN!"

"Huh?" I blink, cringing inwardly at how much I sounded like a female there. My voice is so high pitched, and I hate it! "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Are you okay?"

I tense at this question, which Killua notices. Suddenly getting self-conscious from being look at at this angle, I sit up and fix my hair with my hand. I think from that angle it might look like I have a bigger chest.

Or maybe me sitting up has that affect, and it was just my own view that pushed me to sit up?

I snap out of it and scoot backwards a little, closer to my backboard so I can see Killua's face better. He's watching me the entire time I do this, and I feel awkward, flustered, and embarrassed all at once.

I'm then reminded that I'm wearing my binder, causing me to feel even worse about myself.

I'm not ashamed in any way, it just makes me remember that I have those things females have called boobs on their chest.

I shake my head slightly and finally answer Killua's question. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion at his response, meeting his eyes. I don't say anything, just let him continue.

"Something's on your mind, YN. Tell me what it is."

I hesitate, looking away as I stare at my hands in my lap now. Fiddling with my fingers, I try to think of a reply. All that comes out is a quiet, "It's nothing.."

Killua sighs slightly before lifting my head up by placing his hand on my chin, gently forcing me to look him in the eyes again.

"It's clearly not nothing. Please, tell me what's wrong."

I break and give in, his hand slowly dropping to my own hand. He holds onto my right one, gently rubbing his thumb across my knuckles in a calming manner.

"Fine, I just...I'm having an off day, I guess. One of those days where I can't stop thinking about all of the feminine parts of me that I hate or how I'm not a valid male."

Killua shakes his head and moves to where he's straddling my legs. I can't say anything, my voice seemingly gone as he does this. He takes my wrists and shifts us so that he can pin my arms down onto the mattress beneath us.

Our faces aren't very close at the moment, but part of me wishes they were.

His eyes are stern as he states quietly, "You are a guy, YN. You are valid, no matter what anybody else says. And even as I'm pinning you to this bed right now, that doesn't change. Gay couples do this all the time, both men and women. A woman pinning another woman down doesn't make either of them any less female. Same goes for us here. Me, a guy, pinning you down, another guy, to this bed doesn't make us any less male. As long as you say you're male, you're valid. Nothing else matters. Not even the body you were born with."

I think about his small speech for a moment, and it makes sense to me.

"The example I gave might not've been the best one to give, but do you understand what I'm getting at, YN?" Killua asks, staring into my eyes.

"Yeah," I say, voice just barely above a whisper.

"Good," he replies, volume of voice at the same level as mine. He slowly leans in closer to me, causing my breathing to go even more ragged and my heart races in my chest.

His face is now so close to mine that I can feel his breathing, and he can feel mine.

"I don't like seeing the man I love most upset," Killua whispers, his lips grazing mine as he speaks before he full on kisses me.

I respond after a second of shock, my eyes falling shut. He's still pinning my wrists down to the bed, but I don't mind. In a way, it's actually really attractive.

Killua presses himself closer to me, but not to where he'll be hurting me. He releases my right arm and I immediately move said hand to cup his jaw gently. My thumb and index finger are in front of his ear as the rest are behind it.

I can feel his heart pounding, matching mine. Every time his lips reconnect with my own again, I can feel the sparks flying.

I almost feel dizzy from how amazing the kiss is, but not to where I'll actually pass out or anything.

He let's me set the pace, making sure I'm comfortable.

When we part, we're panting breathlessly, like dogs. But we have smiles on our faces, both of us blushing messes.

We both take a glance at my door, realizing that it's unlocked. Us both laughing slightly at how we could've been caught, Killua gets up and locks the door.

He then comes back and resumes the same position as before, our breaths finally caught. "Where were we?"

I smirk back at him and pull him down, "I think you know."

We won't take things far, as we're still teenagers. We're both going to be responsible with our relationship.

Besides, we don't need to go any further than make out sessions right now. Neither of us are truly that interested in anything further than that at the moment anyway.

As he kisses me once more, I know that it's as us both officially being boyfriends now.

Though I'll definitely confirm that by asking him to be mine after this, just to be sure.

•-•-•-•-•

-CastrarWolf