Entry One

I don't know why this happened, why on this day of all days as well. But I still don't understand why it had to be Nick, he's only six. Or at least was, I don't even know if he's... Alive. That thought alone scares me. I should of gotten to him quicker I could of been quicker. It's my fault, I don't deserve the pity I've been getting. The only one treating me like I should be is my mom, it makes me sad that she is but everything she says is true. I should of been watching him better, even if I was watching over everyone else it's no excuse. Thanks to me I don't have a brother anymore, my sis doesn't have her funny playmate, and my parents lost a child. My mom is obviously taking this the worse. She's been crying behind closed doors and yelling at me a lot. She even slapped me at one point, though I can't be mad at her. I deserve it, plus she's just grieving, we all are. I can already tell that the search for my brother has gone cold.

My dad has been trying to keep everyone together, to be the rock for everyone. Another reason that I love him. He stays strong in front of everyone and cries when he's alone. It hurts to watch him like this, then again he's watching his family fall apart so you can't really blame him. He's trying so hard to keep everyone happy, trying so hard to get everything back to normal. Yesterday he was playing guitar with me and said that everything's going to be fine. From reflex I answered with "nothing's gonna be okay" he stopped playing after that and just looked at me. Thought I did something wrong, my mom was saying that a lot so I just started following after her. Though the thought quickly went away once he said 'Even if it seems like the end of the world, everything always works out okay?' he gave a smile after that. Though he's been smiling a lot that one felt the most genuine, and even if it hasn't been around for a bit I found myself smiling back.

Maybe everything will work out in the end.