it feels as if somebody is gripping at my throat, gripping it and choking me until i can't breathe and then they let go. forcing me to live forcing me to go to school and smile. it's as if this person is tricking people that i'm happy when really i wanna call for help, tell someone, hug someone, have that reality but can't have it. it's like having this cloud over you blocking the sunlight. most days it's bigger than normal.

a lot of people think depression is just crying and hating yourself.

it's not being able to get out of bed in the morning, not being able to do the littlest things, not feeling good enough.

for me it's hating everything about me, not being able to get up in the morning, to get dressed and leave my house is probably one of the biggest things i do all day. my depression has caused me to do things that would give a person nightmares. it's caused me to die inside, want to die ok the outside.

it's caused me to leave friends and push people away because i didn't feel good enough for them. i didn't feel good enough for myself or anyone. i feel like a failure and like i'll never be good for anyone or anything, as if all i do is disappoint people.

i know nobody loves me, only takes pity.
'it's the sad girl, take pity'

i am the sad girl, but sad doesn't describe it, it never will. it's like setting fire to the rain and then standing in it, burning.

the scary part?

you enjoy the burning feeling, you enjoy the pain, bask in it.

because you feel as if you deserve pain and sadness, like you'd be. enter off dead.

you go to pills and drugs, you never sleep and end up killing yourself without the noose or gun, or the knife or the excessive pills. and people never notice you're gone. because they never cared

the person from the beginning of this took care of it, told them you didn't care about them, was faking it, so when you decide you want to live they don't care anymore, which is when you lose all hope if you haven't already.

you feel lonely, but yet you're surrounded by people, like you're not connected to reality, as if in your own reality.

you feel like dying, but you're not worth the commitment.

but you don't wanna live, yet you're scared of dying.

but then that one person who kept you alive leaves

and you're whole world comes crashing down.
mental breakdowns hit like tsunamis and they come in massive waves, your stability breaks and you can't even speak properly, which scares the hell out of you.

but then, you hit the low point, you hit the point in your life where it's still waters, and you can be.

then it hit again....

that's when you do it,

for me, it was the pills, the drugs, the blade.

and that's when i died. and yet somehow i'm typing this on my phone, and it's all because of him, you know who you are.

i'm still not okay, and i'm never going to be the girl i used to be, but i'm alive, and it's because of you, love.