WARNING: FEEELSSS

He never saw you pack your bags; you'd managed to slip them into your car in the dead of night while he slept, while he was dreaming of his perfect life, a life that didn't include you.
You loved Sam Winchester with all your heart; he was everything you had ever wanted. But Sam gave his heart away along time ago and it wasn't to you.
You'd been in denial about the whole situation for a long time. You had no doubt that Sam cared about you, maybe even some part of him loved you; but you didn't have his heart.
Everything came crashing down on you a few weeks ago, Sam murmured a name in his sleep and it wasn't yours. As soon as the word "Jess" fell from Sam's lips, your heart shattered into a million pieces.
You wanted to ask him about it, but how could you look into those puppy dog eyes and demand he forget the woman he clearly still loved? You could never do that to him, you simply loved him too much. So you knew there was only one thing you could do, you had to leave.
Luckily you kept all your things in your old room from when you'd first moved into the bunker. You slowly filled your car, piece by piece until all that was left was a change of clothes, your gun and your angel blade. Shoving the items in your shoulder bag you grabbed the keys to your old car and made your way to find the brothers.
"I'm going to see an old friend for a while, she's taking a rest stop a few miles out and I haven't seen her since I've been here so..." Sam's eyes found yours with a smile
"Ok babe drive safe I'll see you soon. Call when you get there so I know you're safe" he stood from his seat at the library table and pulled you into a sweet embrace. You bury your face into him and try to commit to memory everything about him in what would be the final time you ever held him.
"Have fun Y/n, call us if you need anything" Dean gave you a brotherly hug before returning to the burger on his plate.
You smile, nod and turn your back on them and walk to the door. For a split second you almost turn back towards your room, but you couldn't stay knowing you weren't what he wanted. You glance over your shoulder to see that they'd both returned to their tasks. They'd be fine without you, you smile sadly to yourself
"I love you" you say with a trembling voice
"I love you too" Sam returns your smile and you cant help but notice it doesn't reach his eyes.
He doesn't see the tear fall from your eye, but Dean does. He frowns at you; you catch his eye and shake your head silently telling him to let it go.
"Goodbye boys" you whisper and turn away quickly rushing towards the garage.
You were so focused on your breathing and trying not to break down. You affectionately pat baby's bumper as you pass on the way to your car. You pull open the drivers door and throw your bag in, you get in quickly like you'd pull off a band aid, fearing if you stayed any longer you'd back out.
You start the engine and pull away from the bunker not looking in the rear view mirror until the bunker and the Winchester's were well out of sight.
****
You drove nonstop for two days, until tiredness and the low gas light started blinking forced you to pull over. You filled up and decided to stop at a motel. You grabbed your over night bag from the boot and made your way to your room for the night.
After collapsing on the bed, the reality of what you'd done hit you. Tears streamed down your face, you knew it would hurt but you hadn't expected the numbness that came with it, your whole body felt cold and heavy. You reach into your bag and switch on the cell phone you'd turned off before you left the bunker.
Twenty missed calls flashed up, you sigh heavily knowing you were going to have to speak to him and explain.
You scrolled through your contacts until Sam's photo appeared and hit the dial button. The phone barely rang twice before his voice echoes in your ear.
"Y/n are you alright?"
"I'm fine Sam" you mumble picking invisible lint from your jeans
"Where are you?"
"I cant tell you that Sammy" you say sadly as a tear hits the bedspread and shatters like broken glass.
"What? Why?" He demanded,
"Because I can't let you find me Sam" you admit, a sob escaping your throat
"You're not coming back are you?" He asks, his voice barely above a whisper
"No. No I'm not coming back. I have to go Sam, it's the only thing I could do"
"Y/n please...." you cut him off
"You know when you dream, I mean really dream, of everything you'd ever want if life was perfect? If all the crap that we'd been through never happened and we got the perfect life. You know what I dream of Sammy?" You cry down the phone
"what Y/n?" Sam asks sadly, like he already knew where this was going
"You. I dream of you Sam, you, a big house with kids and a dog. That's my dream. But you, you don't dream of me Sam Winchester"
"Y/n...I..." you don't let him finish
"You talk in your sleep Sam, when you really sleep, when you let yourself dream...you talk in your sleep. You were smiling, you looked so happy, and you called out to her. I can't fight that Sammy, I can't fight a memory" You took a deep breath and steadied yourself to continue
"You still love her Sam, and you always will. She's your dream, not me. It's only fair for me to go. Goodbye Sammy."
Sam begged down the phone for you to go back and not leave him.
"I'm sorry Sam, I'll always love you and you'll always be my dream" you hang up quickly, shut off the phone and watch it fall from your hand
You scream in agony as you heart breaks further. But you knew it was a choice you had to make, either stay knowing he'd never be truly yours or go. You sob into your pillow letting the pain pour from you like a waterfall. You were going to have to take the pain, take the tears and let go of the thing you loved more than anything in this world in order to move on with the rest of your life.
It's just hard knowing that sometimes moving on with your life, starts with goodbye.

It had been weeks since you'd left; you hadn't stayed in the same motel for more than two days at a time. Sam had been calling your cell every night. You switched off your cell after the fifth day. Seeing Sam's photo popping up on your screen broke your heart. You found yourself lying in bed at night watching your phone staring at the screen waiting to see his smile appear before you.
Tears fell slowly from your eyes as you replayed that night in your head, the night you told Sam goodbye. You lost count of the amount of times you wanted to run back to him and throw yourself into his strong arms. But you refused, the thought hurt too much. You weren't what he wanted. You'd done the right thing...hadn't you?
The further away you got from Sam and the bunker the colder you felt, your body void of feeling. You found yourself drifting back towards the bunker almost without realising until you see the familiar landscape. He was pulling you to him like a magnet.
You sigh heavily as you pull over in a motel one town away from your former home. You sink down into the overly soft mattress, letting your bag drop to the floor by your feet. You reach into your bag and out your phone and for the first time in a week you turned it on.
The usual notifications of missed calls appear on the screen in front of you, along with one thing that you hadn't expected. A voice mail.
****
Sam had been going crazy since you left. He called every motel he could think of and even considered calling the cell company to turn your phone back on.
Dean had talked him out of it, telling him you needed your space. He called your cell every night to hear your voice, even though you'd now changed your recorded message to "just let me go"
Sam couldn't deny that he still loved Jess, he always would. But that didn't mean for a second that he didn't love you. He'd been spending his nights in your former room, your scent still lingered on your old pillow and his old shirt you'd worn for bed.
After a week of unanswered calls Sam decided to leave you a message in hopes that you'd listen to him. The message tone rang in his ear and with a shaky breath he spoke
"Y/n, it's me. I....I miss you. God do I miss you. You never gave me a chance to explain. What you heard that night....it was the anniversary of Jess' death; I have that dream every year around this time, over and over. I replay the events in my head and no matter what I do, I can't change it. Yes I loved Jess, part of me always will. But God Y/n that doesn't mean I don't love you! I love you so, so much. You've saved me Y/n Y/l/n; you taught my heart how to love again. When I thought I'd never let anyone else into my life, you came along and took a sledgehammer to the walls I'd built without even trying to. You saved me." He wiped away a stray tear and continued
"Since you've been gone I'm lost, I need you. I need you Y/n please. Please come home. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I never told you about the whole recurring Jess dream. But please don't think that you aren't my dream. You are, I dream about all the things you do! The house, family, the dog. I dream about all of it, but my dreams normally end in flames. I wake up and hold you so close, because I can't lose you Y/n. I'm not strong enough"
Sam didn't see his brother lingering by the door listening to every word he was saying. Nor did he see him grab his cell and type a text message to the same person Sam was talking to.
"Please baby, come home. I love you Y/n" Sam hung up the phone and hung his head
***
As you stare at the voice mail notification on your phone, you feel the device vibrate in your hand. A text message appears, with a small photo of Dean next to it. You were slightly surprised; Dean hadn't tried to contact you before now. You hit the view button and read his message hesitantly
'Listen to the damn voice mail. I know you sweetheart, you'll ignore it. Don't Y/n/n. Just listen to it'
Dean knew you too well; you had planned on ignoring the message. You didn't see what goo could come from hearing his voice right now.
You close your eyes and sigh heavily, before opening the voice mail and pressing your phone lightly to your ear. Tears filled your eye once more as Sam's voice filled your head.
The tears fall like a waterfall as you take in Sam's words, you drop your phone in shock as the message cuts off. You'd left him, you were wrong. Your body moves on auto pilot as you grab you bag and flee from the room towards the front desk.
After practically throwing the room key at the woman at the check in desk, you run to your car with speed you never realised you had. You slam your car into gear and take off down the dirt covered road, breaking more than a few speed limits as you go.
It takes you less than half of the time it should have to get to the bunker; you slam your car door shut and run to the door finding it locked. You knock heavily on the door only to be met with silence; you curse yourself for leaving you key in your old room. Sighing heavily you pull out your phone and dial Dean only to be met with voice mail
"Damn it Dean!" you growl and scroll to find Sam's number in you contacts list.
Sam's phone was also switched off. You shove you phone in your pocket and think, where could they be?
That message was sent yesterday and Sam didn't sound focused enough for a hunt so you dismissed that idea. Then it hit you, they'd be at the bar. You rush back to your car and make the short journey that you hoped would lead you to Sam.
As you pull into the car park you silently cheered when you saw the impala parked in the corner.
"Oh baby, you're a sight for sore eyes" You smile as you see the lights from the bar shining on her perfect black paint.
You jump out of your car and make your way towards the door, glancing through the dirty glass to see the brothers sitting on stools at the bar itself.
You took a deep breath as you felt butterflies fill your stomach and a knot form in your throat. You pulled open the door with shaky hand and slowly made you way towards them. You heels clicked lightly on the wooden floor, you stopped short of the pair and took in the sight before you.
Sam's shoulders were slumped, he looked defeated and your heart shattered knowing you were the cause. He wore the shirt you'd stolen and used to use for bed, you feel a small smile tug at the corner of your lips at the sight. You took a deep breath and spoke
"Sammy?" your voice was so quiet you weren't sure if he heard you. But Sam's head snapped up at the sound.
He looked in the mirror behind the bar and saw your reflection staring back at him. Dean followed his brother's line of sight and both span around to look at you.
There you stood after weeks of radio silence, hands in your pockets, tired and about as defeated as his brother. Dean looked at you with a mixture of happiness, slight anger that you'd left them and pride that you were able to admit you were wrong.
Sam was out of his seat in seconds, pulling you firmly to his chest. You felt such emotion flow through you that if Sam hadn't been holding you up; you would have dropped to your knees. You inhaled his scent and let the tears fall.
"I love you" you cried into his chest, soaking the material of his shirt
"I love you, I love you, I love you" Sam chanted into ear and pulled back to see your face. He wiped away the stray tears with his thumbs
"I love you, I will tell you that every day for the rest of my life Y/n. I love you" he slammed his lips to yours and you buried your hands into his hair pulling him closer. You both pull apart, placing one last chaste kiss on each other's lips.
"Please don't leave me again" you shake your head
"I promise Sammy, I'm here for as long as you'll have me" you sniff, touching every part of his face you could
"Always and forever seems long enough" you feel you lip tremble and bury yourself into his body once more
You catch the sight of Dean watching you both from the corner of your eye. You pull away from Sam and turn towards the eldest Winchester.
A tear fell from your eye under Dean's gaze; he stood from his stool and made his way over to you, stopping a foot short.
"I'm sorry" you choked out, realising you'd not only hurt Sam but you'd hurt your friend too.
"Never pull something like that again" He pulled you into a tight embrace, you nod against his shoulder. You kiss Dean on the cheek and turn back to Sam, who pulls you close against his side holding you there like you were about to disappear again.
"Well I'm staying here, there's a blonde in the corner in need of some attention. You crazy kids go home" you roll your eyes playfully at you friend; in truth you'd missed him dearly.
You had Sam you keys and let him lead you home. No words are spoken but in it wasn't an uncomfortable silence.
Sam pulled you inside the bunker and straight into the room you both shared. You both lay on the bed, facing each other. Sam's arm wrapped its way around you holding you firmly in place. Your hand caressed Sam's face.
"I should have told you" Sam murmured turning his head to kiss your palm
"I should have listened" you reply brushing your thumb over his bottom lip.
"I love you Y/n Y/l/n" you smile when you see nothing but truth in his eyes
"I love you too Sam Winchester"
That night you both catch up on the rest you both needed. Sam drifted off in record time now that he had you back in his arms. You stayed awake, relishing the feeling of being home. You stiffened when you hear Sam start to mumble in his sleep.
"Y/n" you watch his face closely, he was really asleep. He called your name in his sleep. You cry tears of happiness for the first time in weeks.
Maybe you'd get you dream after all.