Sorry if you found this. Just don't read it.

Lol no, this isn't a rant. But nobody reads rants and nobody ever listens to what I have to say so might as well put it here so my friends continue thinking I'm happy.

I'm not.

I like this guy and he makes it halfway okay to live. I have this friend that I call Foxy, she's one of the only people that actually listen to what I have to say.

Fandom listens to me but she doesn't LISTEN, she listens but she doesn't hear what I'm saying.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even know why I try. I'm always everyone's second choice, I'm never the first choice. I'm a last resort, I'm the practice girl. Yes I'm a girl, shut up.

I just feel so alone all the time. I listen to everyone's problems but who listens to mine? Nobody. Because I don't want to burden people. I shrug it off, cry when I'm alone, feel the weight of the world weighing me down, crushing my spirit and soul to dust.

But I laugh it off. Because people have their own problems, I don't want to be a burden. But I'm hurting. I'm hurting bad.

I cry so much anymore because I know that nobody REALLY cares. Sure, they're there, but they don't care. I'm just company and a free therapist. I'm the backup friend when nobody else is around.

I'm the one living in the shadows because I can't say anything without being judged.

It's gotten to the point where I don't know why I'm still here. I know, it's because my friends need their therapist and I'm scared. I'm scared of what happens when I die, I'm scared it'll be worse. But, nothing is worse than this.

If my own mother doesn't even love me. So who else could?

Therein lies the answer. Nobody.

Sure, I'm fun to be with but I'm never the first person people think of when they wonder who they want to hang out with. And I like it that way, it's easier to say goodbye when there's nothing to leave behind.

Yeah, I've been seven months clean from self harm, but that doesn't mean there's not still pain. And at this point, I'm wondering if my scars are getting too faded for my own liking. Not because I want people to give me attention, I hate any and all attention. No, I want the reminder. I want to remind myself that even in pain I'm still alive. My scars are only me bringing my pain to the surface.

Sorry if you had the misfortune of finding this. I'm not posting this because I want attention, I'm posting this just in case.