Just some deep thoughts...

I was just wondering how would life turn out for me as a gay trans guy. My family isn't very accepting of me so when I do finally change my name and do all that, what would happen between me and them? They already told me that they'd never call me Finn, which sucks. So what would happen to me if they misgendered me and deadnamed me in public? What would the strangers around me think? What would happen in the afterlife? Would I be right or wrong? If I'm wrong then I would burn for all eternity, but then again I could be right and live peacefully for all eternity. As a very religious person who thinks about the people around them and how things could affect them, would my own community be okay with my open mind? Or would they rather have me closed off from everything? What would God do if he were in my shoes? What would Jesus do? If I'm a Christian then why punish me for trying to be myself. People can't help but be themselves, people can't help who they love...so why punish them solely for who they are (unless they're a non-believer obviously) then punish them for their actions. What is it that the world wants from me? What is it that Jesus wants from me? What is it that I want from me? Why do I want people to have a better understanding of each other? Is there something wrong with me? Am I wrong for trying to help people? What's the point of my life? To suffer until I die, and then possibly suffer for eternity. Why exist and go through all of that trouble, all of that hell...when I can just not exist at all and be completely fine? Why have I grown tired of living but are too afraid to die? Why can't I just have one year where there is no major setback? Why has every traumatic thing that's ever happened to me have been happening so closely to each other? Why has it all happened in the span of 5-6 years? I'm not suicidal but I'm just tired of trying to stay alive. I haven't really lived have I? It's all been survival but no relaxation. My parents would say, "Yeah it's because you're not an adult." But that's not the case, I can be an adult and still not live. I'm not living, I'm alive but not living. I survived but didn't live. It always was survival for me. I've been trying to figure out how to survive my life, I've been doing it to the point where trying to stop surviving is gonna be as difficult as trying to pass math class with a teach who doesn't know math. So what'sthe point of my life? Do I suffer until the end? Do I try to fix the world's problems? Or do I just stop altogether. God help me.

I'm sorry I realized that I went from talking about my future to talking about the point of my life-