Hey guys. I know I sadi that I would be writing a lot more, but I'm in another bad spot. My dad and I arent talking right now, and he blames me for it.

My dad and I have been fighting a lot lately. Like, a lot a lot. I have recently made the decision to stop seeing his parents, because of how toxic and cruel they are to me both mentally and emotionally. My dad does not like this. He says, and I quote, "So you are giving up 15 years of love over 5 shitty comments?" Btw my dad NEVER cusses, let alone at me. He has seen first hand the things they have said to me. He has seen my papa scream at me that I am stupid, my Mimi tell me that I don't have a chance at becomeing a writer, and so many other things. I have begged him to tell me why he never stands up for me against them. How can he watch them beat the shit out of me mentally and emotionally, and you know what he says? "Well what if I think they make some good points?"

At the end of our last fight, the third one in a two week span, just a few days ago, I told my dad that I was going to call my mom to have her come pick me up for the night. I was not disrespectful at all. I told him that we were both hurt, angry, tired, and sick, and that we just needed to step back from this conversation for a minute. This is how he responds. "Thats unfortunate. I guess I'll just chalk it up to another one of your bad decisions that you will have to deal with the consequences of on your own." I'll admit, I was shocked. He doesnt know how to take responcibility for his actions and mistakes, but stooping down that low as to say something like that? I had no response.

I texted my mom, and she came to pick me up. While I was leashing up my dog so she could come with me to my moms house, my dad walks into the room. I thought he was going to hug me, because thats what we always do when I'm leaving so we can take a break from a fight, no matter how bad the fight is. I got up to go hug him, and this is what is said.

Dad: You know I'm not making you leave. You are choosing to leave.

Me: I know you arent making me leave. I'm leaving because I don't have another choice. This is what is best for both of us right now. We just need to step back from this conversation. We're not going to gain anything from it, we are just going to hurt each other even more.

Dad: You are the one wanting to leave. You are choosing to leave. This is on you.

I start crying again, becasue I had been straight up sobbing the whole fight and I had finally calmed down for a second, and go to open the door so I can walk out, without a hug or even an "I love you" from my dad. He continues yelling at me, "This is on you. You are the one leaving right now. This is on you."

My mom steps between me and him when I walk out, and my dad stays inside the house, telling her that I wont want to talk to him. "Well, I love you," he snaps at me before closing the door. The next day was supposed to be his day with me, so he texted and asked if I was awake for him to come pick me up. I wasn't ready to see him. So I sent him a long text that wouldnt make much sense to someone who doesnt know the whole story, but I poured my heart and soul into that text. It was like 2-3 pages long, and it told him everything that was going on, no sugarcoating anything, but also not being shitty on my part. I told him that I needed some more time away from him, because clearly we wouldnt solve anything with talking. Again, too much to go into detail. He responded with, 'Does your mom know that I wont be there to pick you up.' This was a few days ago, and the only time he has texted me, or even checked in, was today. I have been sick on and off for the past two months, and the whole reason we got into this last fight is because my throat was too sore for me to swallow anything large, so I asked if I could have a pb&j instead of a steakwrap. Anyways, my mom texted him today to ask if she could pick up two of my medications that I needed, and ONLY after she texted him, reminding him that I have in fact been so sick that I can barely stand at times, does he text me and say, "I'm sorry youre feeling so crummy. Love you."

He has forced me into one of my deepest depressions ever since I have been diagnosed and been getting treatment for depression. I havent even been able to work up the courage to tell my mom about the fights weve had until I am "numb" enough to talk about them, which has started taking hours.

I'm in a really bad spot right now. And I've told my dad that the day after our last fight that he has put me there. That was in the long 2-3 page text I sent him, and I told you how he responded to that.

My whole family is on my side. At least from my mom and stepdads side of the family, they are all on my side. My grandparents on my dads side hate me, my dad is mad at me and blames me for all of this, and my aunts and uncles have been encouraged by my grandparents to treat me horribly. They only people who show they love me from over there are my cousins, the oldest is a year older than me, and the rest of them are at least 3+ years younger. I've told my dad that if they heard the true story of my I am not visiting over there anymore, they would all be on my side, and he didn't like that. Like I said, he blames all of this on me, and he isnt willing to take any responsability for what is happening to me and his relationship.

I don't know what to do. I told him that while I am away, I want us to talk in letters, because that has worked for us in the past, but we had this fight on Sunday, and he still hasnt sent anything to me. I cant tell if I feel numb, cold, or just alone. I am ina house surrounded by people who love and support me, and are on my side completely, and I'm not saying they love me anyless or more than my dad does. I guess I'm saying that the hole a loved one can tear in your heart isnt something that can be completely filled with the love of others. They already have their own hole in your heart filled, and only one person could fill the hole they left in you, themself.

I get that this is pretty obvious, but I have not been writing at all lately, and I will most likely remain on break while I get my life together. I am switching from in person school to homeschooling before christmas break is over, trying to find a job, trying to figure out why I'm so sick, and just trying to distract myself so I don't go crazy.

If you guys ever need to talk, my PM's are always open. I know I dump a lot on you guys, so if you need to talk or not talk or geek out or vent, just message, and I'll respond as soon as I see it.

Please snd prayers or positive mental vibes, becasue I could use them right now. I will be praying for all of you with the new covid variant coming out, and with NewYears coming up tomorrow. I hope you all had an amazing Christmas or any other holidays that you celebrate! Happy holidays everyone! Please stay safe and healthy,

Anna