Warnings: Cursing and a hurt teenage girl

Hey guys. I'm gonna start off by saying that the reason I am writing this is because I swore to myself I wouldn't cry. So instead of crying, I'm writing. Ive made it two weeks without crying, and I'm not gonna break my streak.

I'm still not really talking to my dad. I have seen him once in the past month and a half, and I'm going to see him again tomorrow. We have decided to find a councelor not only for myself, but for me and my dad. We have continuously fought over text for the past month, and gotten nowhere. He still blames me for what's going on between us, and says we cannot move forward until I change. Now this is not me being a "oh well I'm perfect and there is nothing I need to fix" kind of person. I know I have problems, and I confessed that to my dad. I told him all of the problems I know for a fucking fact that I have, and I'm not ashamed of it. He on the other hand is so caught up in his image and ego that he literally cannot comprehend the fact that he is not perfect, and that all of this is not my fault.

I am not a priority to my dad, and I'll tell you how I know that. During this whole month, when he would respond to one of my texts, I would message him back immediatly. Thirty minutes max for me to respond. You know how long he waits? 24 fucking hours. He responds when it is convenient for him. It doesnt matter if he is out with friends, at the house, at his parents house, he refuses to respond to my messages until a time that is convenient for him, because responding to my texts that are trying to save this relationship is such a waste of time he can just wait, because he knows it hurts me. But whats worse is that in one of my messages, I begged him, I fucking begged him, to not wait 24 hours to respond. I told him to respond to my message the second he sees it. I told him to not put me off for a time that worked for him, because if this relationship really mattered to him, then anytime would be a great time for him to respond, at least on his terms. I fucking begged him. 22 hours later I got a 1 sentence response. This is a power game to him. He knows that I am so emotionally invested in what we are going through that he uses it against me. He did it to show me who's boss.

I get that this book has turned into more of a pity story, and that is not what it is meant to be. I am putting myself and my problems out there to show a few points.

1, to the people who need to know their not alone. Everyone goes through tough shit, and sometimes you feel like you can't make it out. That's how I felt when I confessed to my mom and stepdad that I had been trying to commit suicide, and when they called my dad to have him come over, he refused. My mom wouldnt tell him why he needed to come over, only that it was for my well being, and he responded with, "If you can't tell me over the phone, then it's clearly not important." That was the night I cried the hardest. I was screaming until I couldn't breathe. I had never wanted to kill myself more than I did that night. I'm not saying this for pity. I'm saying this to anyone who needs to hear it. You. Are not. Alone. There are so many people going through so many things. You are never alone. And fuck the ones who say you are. They are just jealous that they don't have a group of people standing by their side to pull them back up when they fall.

2, to the people who think that kid in school cant possibly be going through anything, back the fuck up. You never know the shit someone is going through. One of my closest friends only recently found out that I had tried to commit suicide a few years ago. They had no clue, because I looked fine. I acted fine. You never know what someone is going through, so dont say that they are fine, because you have no fucking clue.

Guys, you arent alone. I know my family supports me completely, but many people dont have that. If you need to vent, PM me, or type out something in the comments. If you need a prayer, say so. If you need the dumbest motivational speech you could ever get, say so. If you just want a response to a comment to know that someone sees you, say so.

My Pms are always open, and please never hesitate to say something. It may not seem like it, but we're all in this together. Sing it like in Highschool Musical if you have to, but its true.

I love you all. You are amazing and wonderful and talented and smart and kind and worth it and so much more that I can't put into words, and if anyone tells you diffirently, tell me and I will come out of my two year hibernation in my room to kick someones butt.

Good night guys,
Anna