Random stories and stuff because why not.

One time at Wal-Mart my brother FUCKING FLIPPED OUR SISTER INTO THE CHEESE.

I still remind him about it because I was there.

And it was hilarious.

In all fairness he was like... six (?) when it happened and our sister was an infant in her carseat.

One time two of my friends and I skipped class.

In all fairness it was on the last day of school and all we were gonna do in the class was sit there.

But we did pass the class I was supposed to be in and I had to hide between the two as we walked.

One time my best friend stayed the night and she brought insense.

So later when we were upstairs she was acting like an idiot and I screamed this:

"ARE YOU HIGH OFF INCEST?!"

I... I confused insense, which, according to Google, is, "a gum, spice, or other substance that is burned for the sweet smell it produces."

With incest, which, according to Google, is, "sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other."

... I hate myself.

Like, how the actual f u c k did I confuse insense with incest?!

Moving on! (*Immediate flashbacks to Moving On pt. 2*)

When I went back to school for the last nine weeks I was assigned in a sixth grade brass class.

Which, hey school, I play the saxophone, a woodwind.

Also, I'm not in sixth grade?

Whatever I guess, I got some funny quotes out of that class so that's something.

So like, a day after I came back we had a substitute in that class.

I don't think she really knew I was supposed to be there, so when she got to the L part of last names I was prepared to talk aloud.

But she skipped me!

(I should probably mention that band class was in the auditorium but we were in the audience seats where it was dark.)

So I ended up not having to do anything for that class.

I used to play house with my friends where we would both be moms taking care of cats.

How the fuck did I not know I'm gay?

Or at least not straight.

Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I kissed my best friend and that's why I'm pretty sure I'm head over heels in love with her?!

No?

Well it's not that exciting anyway.

Once I threatened to break a girl's arm because she was being a bitch.

I would've done it if recess was longer.

Hey, when she spent the night (This was the same time as her bring insense.) she was making a sandwich and decided to toss the cheese at me.

Well what happened?

THE CHEESE STUCK ON THE FUCKING WALL!

IT. STUCK. TO. THE. WALL.

We ended up tossing the same slice of cheese to the ceiling and it stuck for a whole ass hour.

During the same sleepover I cussed her ex out and we attempted to play "Red Door, Yellow Door" but we kept on getting interrupted and I messed up on the chanting thing.

So if you didn't know I used to play softball.

When I did I felt really insecure because my body type is really different from theirs.

Anyway, at a game I cause us to win.

Yeah, that's it. I hit the ball hard and ran the bases.

Sometimes I think about the fact I'll legally be able to drive in a few years.

That's gonna be scary.

(Okay, probably not that scary, just a lot of late-night trips with my friends or something.)

My dream is to live in a cottage with two cats and bake cookies all day.

I want kids to come across my cottage and smell the cookies thinking I'm the witch from "Hansel and Gretel" and run away screaming.

Okay, maybe not screaming.

Okay, that's all, folks.