TW: cussing and attmepted suicide

Hey... so, I pulled an Evan Hansen.

I know I said I wouldn't, but I did, and at the time it was just too much, everything was.

My grandma was being more of a bitch than usual and the bad part is this is the second time I've tried to end it.

The first time I stopped myself and realized I didn't need to die, that my sisters would miss me.

I got help.

But, but this time my mind felt clouded by the thoughts, and I sent a text to my irl best friend, telling her everything and that when I die I don't want her to commit suicide too, that I wanted her to live as long as she can and that her and her boyfriend would someday get married.

I wished her the best with her boyfriend and told her that it would be okay, that he would comfort her.

I told her that if she ever had kids to tell them about me, and to say their Auntie would've loved them more than anything and be at birthday party's and buy them loud toys to annoy her with.

To tell them to not give up like I did and that things would get better, but that I didn't try to find the good things and gave up.

I asked her to tell my little sisters about me when they were about my age, tell them how we would argue but that I loved them and to show them pictures of me.

I apologized for being so weak I wanted to end it, I apologized for leaving her behind, I apologized for not being able to go to high school with her, and I apologized if I lived through it.

She started texting me and I listened to my phone go off as I tied the infinity scarf around my neck.

Eventually I answered one of her calls.

As you can imagine, she talked me out of it, but I broke down, I told her everything I never told her, because I didn't want to be a bother.

As I was talking to her my grandma came in from outside and called for me.

I told her I would be there and that I was talking to my friend.

It scared me how cheerful my voice sounded, despite the fact tears were still going down my face.

When I walked in she got mad about how was in a bad mood.

Yeah, you tend to get real depressed when you just tried to pull an Evan Hansen.

I felt horrible and I just wanted to sleep after crying my eyes out.

I didn't get to though.

But when I went to get a drink later after watching T.V. with my brother her and my grandpa started mocking me because of my attitude.

I hate them, I hate them so much, I just want them to die and rot in Hell, I'll even throw them in myself.

I'm still seeing a therapist, and planning on telling her, and that it wasn't the first time.

I want help, I don't want to feel like this, I really, really, don't.

I figured I should tell you guys, gals, and non-binary pals, in case I seem worse then usual.

And I'll have to face the friend who talked me out of it tomorrow at school.

Yay.