me wondering if the other people who have this book in their library are getting annoyed with me updating: 👁👄👁
anyway jully i hope you like these i literally can't stop making them 🥺🥺
LAURENS207

***

Philip, walking through the kitchen t-posing: Good morning parental figure-
John, not even looking up from his coffee: Good morning problem child-

***

Alex: What's for dinner-
John: Updog-
Philip: *dabs*
John: No not yet. Wait until he asks what it is-

***

John: Happy birthday!
Alex: Whose birthday is it?-
John: Someone's...somewhere-
Alex: Thats so true-

***

[texting]

John: alex there's a huge moth outside my door can you please get it for me-
John: alex??
Alex: alex is dead. you're next. love, moth.

***

Alex: What's the name of that guy who lives in the house next door-
John: His dogs' names are Bobby and Sammy-
Alex: 
Alex: That's not what I asked-
John: That's the information I have-

***

Alex: You have eye bags-
John: They're Gucci-

***

John: So I can either bake these cookies at 400 degrees for ten minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute-
Alex: John no that's not how you bake cookies-
John: Floor it?
Alex: JOHN NO-
John: HOW ABOUT 4,000,000 DEGREES FOR 1 SECOND-
Alex: JOHN YOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
John: I'M GOING TO HARNESS THE SUN TO MAKE COOKIES-
Alex: JOHN PLEASE-

***

Alex: You're giving me a sticker-
John: Not just any sticker. That's a sticker of a kitty saying "Me-wow"-
Alex: I'm not a child-
John: Fine, I'll take it back-
Alex: I earned this. Back off-

***

Alex: A wine for me and uh...he'll have a capri sun-
John: Babe I'm an adult-
John: I can order my own capri sun-

***

Alex: All of my hoodies keep disappearing-
John, wearing one of Alex's hoodies for the fourth consecutive day: Spooky-

***

John: Chameleons are overlooked as the best animal. Their camouflage is actua-
Alex: John, we're presenting to Philip's class-
John:
Alex: Stop arguing with the students-

***

Alex: We're going out in public. I expect you to be on your best behavior-
John, to all the kids: Yeah kids. Listen to your father-
Alex: John I was talking to you-

***

Alex: Do you wanna talk about it-
John, laying face down on the floor: Why would you automatically assume something was wrong-

***

John: I'm cRyiNg. You made me c R y-
Alex: Baby-
John: Now is nOt the time for pet names-
Alex: No I'm calling you a baby, I'm insulting you-

***

John: Angie has this game where you flip a coin with a sticker on one side. Anyway if the coin lands sticker up you get to touch the dead bee she keeps under her pillow-

***

Alex: Hey how much money do you have-
John: 69 cents-
Alex: You know what that means-
John, sobbing: I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR CHICKEN NUGGETS-

***

John: If I cut off my foot and like, swing it at you, am I kicking you or hitting you-
Alex: You'll most likely mentally scar me more than anything-

***

John: Isn't there somebody else you could annoy-
Philip: Sorry, it's your turn!

***

John, texting Alex: Babe-
John: Sweetheart-
John: Angel-
John: If you don't answer me these pet names are going to start getting meaner-
John: Bowl of cereal that's been sitting out for like an hour-

***

Alex: You have beautiful eyes-
John, drunk: T-Thank you! I need them to see-

***

John: Is it weird that I recognize my pee-
John: Everything when someone doesn't flush the toilet, I know that it isn't mine-
Alex: How so-
John: Mine's lighter...

***

John, after Alex spilled one of his secrets: YOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL-
Alex: The Germans promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jonathan. Welcome to the real world-

***

John: It's really muggy out today-
Alex: If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I might have to kill you-
John: *Sips milk from a bowl*

***

Alex: Is it okay if I swear-
John: Yeah I'll allow it-
Alex: F
John: Go on-
Alex: I'm nervous-

***

John: At what point is it too early to eat tacos-
John: Because they sound BOMB right now-
John: But also, is there even any place selling tacos at 7am-
Alex: Did you really have to wake me up to tell me you're craving tacos-
John: Yes-
Alex: ...I'm in-

***

Alex: Unpopular opinion. Not all dogs are good boys-
John: Blocked-
Alex: Sometimes they're good girls-
John: Unblocked-

***

[Frances trips, skins her knee, and starts crying]

Alex: I don't think we need to cry over this anymore-
Frances, still crying: This is in nO wAy a  w E situation-

***

Alex: Our house is burning and you can save the cake or me. What do you choose-
John: That's not fair. The cake doesn't have legs-

***

Alex: What did you eat for breakfast-
John: Fried and seasoned potato slices-
Alex:
John: Pringles. I had Pringles for breakfast-

***

John: Someone we know is possessed by an owl-
Alex: Who-
John: *narrows eyes*

***

Alex: John? What's wrong? Why are you crying? John: I had this dream where Shrek was turned into a lady ogre and Fiona was asked if it was cool with her and she said "yeah I'm bishrekual" and I woke up crying-
Alex:
Alex: Forget I asked-

***

[John checks in on Alex because he's been laying in bed for hours past morning]

John: Are you alright-
Alex: Oh I'm amazing. I just legally can't move-
John: ...What-
Alex: *pulls cover up to reveal 10 cats sleeping on him*
John: You're allergic-
Alex, crying: It's exposure therapy John-

***

Alex: What if ducks threw bread back at you-
John: You would have to duck-
Alex:

***

Alex: Yeah, I did it with my bare fists-
John:
John:
John: You have bear fists?

***

John: Is the Kool-Aid Man the jar or the liquid
Alex: What-
John: IS THE KOOL AID MAN THE JAR OR THE LIQUID-
Alex: Oh god, not again-

***

John: Now, what do we say when we get upset?
Alex: ...My anxiety may be chronic but this butt is iconic
John: nO-

***

John: You're telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 70 years, made this salad?
Alex: Technically you aren't wrong with that number, but I just hate it-

***

John: That's one of my biggest fears-
Alex: What is-
John: If I ever woke up as donut-
Alex: You would eat yourself-
John: I wouldn't even question it-

***

John: At my funeral I would like Oompa Loompas to carry my coffin while singing about my worst values-
Alex: John it's late-

***