look jully we're halfway to a hundreD-
what a milestone
enjo y-
LAURENS207

***

Interviewer: So why did you choose us?
John: Because you're recruiting-
Interviewer: Ok, well what can you bring to this company?
John: A new employee-

***

John: Objection your honor!
Alex: What is it?
John: *blows him a kiss*
Alex:
Alex, blushing: OVERRULED

***

John: I can haunt you-
Alex: Sure lmao
John: An octopus is just a wet spider-
[later that night]
Alex: *staring at he ceiling and thinking about wet spiders* Fuc k-

***

[dating]

Alex: Do you think you'll ever see us as more than friends?
John: I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED I CAN TOTALLY see us as dragons hang on a drew a picture-

***

John: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom-
Alex: *sighs* Because the "pee" is silent-
John: No because it's dead-

***

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
John, trying to suppress his laughter as he puts on a camo jacket: You can trY-

***

[AU where John works at Home Depot]

Boss at the staff meeting: Someone has been breaking all the wood planks, any idea who it is?
John, tightening his green karate belt: Probably someone really strong-

***

John: Damn that really hit me in right in the honey nut feelios 😔🤚
Alex:
Alex: What the fuck did you say to me-

***

Interviewer: Under skills you wrote "amazing liar"-
John: No I didn't-
Interviewer: Who did then?
John: *turns to camera and lowers sunglasses*

***

Alex, walking into the kitchen at 4:30am: John what the fuck are you doing-
John, pouring gatorade into the waffle batter: The lord's work-

***

Philip: Is four a lot?
John: Depends on the context-
John: Murders? No-
John: Vegetables? Yes-

***

Alex: Are you into adventures?
John: Nah I just like to be in my bed-
John: I'm for the sheets not the streets-

***

Alex: I just found out that I'm incredible at escape rooms-
John: You had a panic attack in the corner and they let you out early-
Alex: In record timing too-

***

Alex: Wanna go out and do something today?
John: Sorry, unfortunately I'm incredibly busy. Whole day is a full schedule-
John: *sleeps the entire day*

***

John: Hey babe wanna hear a batman impression-
Alex: Sure-
John: Oh no! Kryptonite!
Alex: That's superman-
John: Thanks I've been practicing-

***

[at Jimmy's funeral]

John: I bet he's looking up at us and smiling right now-
Alex: Looking UP at us?
John: Oh yeah he's in hell for sure-

***

[before they started dating]

John: I like Alex so much but I suck at flirting-
Eleanor: Here he comes! Just try complimenting him:
John to Alex: Happy birthday!!

***

John: *bursting through Jimmy's door ten years after they had an argument*
John: aND ANOTHER THING-

***

John: Shit bro this pushpop is bangin-
Alex:
Alex:
Alex: That is a glue stick-

***

John: Have I ever told you how much I appreciate your existence-
Alex: We're not stopping at McDonald's-
John: This is bullshiT-

***

John: Guys there's a snake trying to get into the house-
Jimmy, banging on the door: Let me in you asshaT-

***

Alex: Don't forgot to pick up the kids from school-
John: It's Saturday, they're both upstairs-
Alex: It's Wednesday. We have four kids-

***

[before they were dating]

John: *staring at Alex*
Eleanor: Just tell him he's cute, what the worst that could happen?
John: He could hear me???

***

Alex: I really feel a deep kinship with bees. They like flowers, they bump into things a lot, if they try to fight someone they literally die-
Alex: There really is no difference between myself and a bee-

***

John, throwing the fries on the counter: I have a complaint-
Employee: Alright, how can I help you-
John: The fries. They taste too much like potatoes-
Employee: That's- si r-

***

[AU where John works at Subway]

Customer: Actually I was gonna share with some of my friends, could you maybe cut the sandwich into fourths?
John, handing over the sandwich: Too late I already cut it in half whoops-

***

John: What's for dessert?
Alex: We don't have to have dessert every time-
John: Then why eat dinner at all-

***

John: I fucking love you-
Alex: I love y-
John: My fucking cinnamon apple-
Alex: I lo-
John: My goddamn cupcake margarita-
Alex: Wh-
John: My rose scented shampoo-

***

Alex: I'm pretty thick in the thighs :(
John, who has selective hearing: Yeah you are pretty :)

***

Philip: Hey guys? Timmy's in the pool and I don't think he's waterproof-
Alex: What?
John: He's trying to say that Timmy's drowning-
Alex: Oh okay-
Alex: WAIT WHAT-

***

John: My back hurts from carrying all this sexiness-
Alex: No, your back hurts because your posture is such shit that you sit with your back in the shape of the letter C-
John: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS-

***

Exorcist: I'm here to remove the demon that possessed you-
John: I didn't call you-
Demon: I did. He keeps making me cry-

***

John: The doctors took blood from me but all they could find was swag-
Doctor: Actually your mean corpuscular volume is dangerously low-
John:
John: All they could find was swag-

***

Alex: *sneezes*
John: Bless you-
Alex: *sneezes again*
John: Oh my goD you've already been blessed why do you keep making noisE-

***

John: *giving a chihuahua kisses* Chimuahmuah-
Alex: What the fucK-
John: Sorry my joke didn't make you chihaha-

***

John: What's it called when like??? A baby debuts???
Alex: ....birth?
John: OH YEAH-

***

Alex: *watching Philip and Frances fight over a penny they found on the sidewalk*
Alex: You know what this coffee's missing? Vodka-

***

Alex: How would you describe yourself?
John: Verbally, but I've also prepared an interpretive dance-

***

Philip: ....Okay I ate your pizza, what do you want-
John, tearfully: A new soN-

***

Alex: Are you okay?
John, laying face down on the floor in a puddle of spaghetti sauce: Absolutely, why do you ask-

***

[texting]

John: *sends a voice message*
Alex: im busy is it urgent
John: no don't worry just listen to it later
[later]
Alex: I should listen to John's voice message-
The message: THERE'S A FIRE-

***

John: Being "overdressed" is a fake concept made  up by people who don't want you to be sexier than them-
Alex: You're wearing a ball gown in Chili's-

***

John: Being in bed before 9 is honestly so sexy I love being a well rested bitch-

***

John: What do you call a dead werewolf-
Alex:
John: Werewolf but this time I pronounce it like were, the second personal singular past, plural and past subjunctive of be-

***

John: With so many people in the world, every time a microwave counts down to zero it's counting down to the end of someone's life-
Alex:
Alex: You know what maybe I'll put this burrito in the oven instead of the microwave-

***

John and Alex: Time to go to sleep-
The kids from across the hall: RA RA RASPUTIN RUSSIA'S GREATEST LOVE MACHI-

***

John: If you avoid enough responsibilities the consequences pile up like a weighted blanket you can sleep under-
John: A consequilt, perhaps-

***

John: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming-
Alex: John can you please get out of the dryer-

***

[at a restaurant]

John: So if you're waiting for the waiter doesn't that make you the waiter-
Alex, slamming down the menu: I JUST WANT O N E  DINNER-

***